Only true epic gamers can understand this 😎😎😤🤣
I’ve asked so many people what the abbreviation LGBTQA+ stands for.
I never get a straight answer.
It annoys me when Engineering students call themselves Engineers…
You don't hear medical students calling themselves doctors, or art students calling themselves unemployed.
A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughters innocence, the mother turns around and says “Don’t worry that was just an insect”. To which her daughter replies “I’m surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that”
Jane always had a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.
"Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied. Jane then explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said …."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree." Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said, pointing to her privates,"you must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her as hard as he could in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed: "What the bloody hell did you do that for? "Check for squirrel." he responds
What do you call a five foot psychic that’s escaped from jail?
A small medium at large.
My phone kept calling me Shirley this morning
I had forgotten to take it off of airplane mode.
My therapist hates it when I stand in the corner of the waiting room, blowing air at people.
It’s annoying, but I’m a big fan.
2, 4 and 6 tried to defeat 3, 5 and 7
But the odds were against them
Why is 1 = 0
cos 0 = 1
Hey, did you hear the one about butter?
… nah, I shouldn’t spread it around
At midnight it will officially be Ramones time.
2020, 24 hours to go…
I tried to join a secret religious society, but the requirements were very strict.
It was called Diffi cult.
Me: Officer, are you actually crying while you’re writing me a speeding ticket?
Officer: It was a moving violation
Soooo my 4 year old nephew just told me this. He’s a little nerd but it made me chuckle. Knock knock…
Who's there? Cows go. Cows go who? No idiot… Cows go moo!
One day I’ll pretend to be gay…
I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust and become their confidant, and when they least expect it…… BAMM!! !! !! … I'll fuck their boyfriends
What does Donald Trumps hair have in common with a thong?
They both barely cover the asshole
Somebody stole my mood ring…
I still don't know how I feel about that.
Did you hear about the guy who accidentally drank varnish and died? He had a terrible end…
But a beautiful finish
I asked my grandmother how she’s enjoying her new stairlift…
She said, “It’s driving me up the wall.”
Politeness is key
A woman fell pregnant to a horrible, violent man. She decided to leave him and raise the baby on her own, rather than have it turn out like its father, and so she moved far away and settled in for 9 months. She went to the doctor and asked him how she could make her baby nicer, and he told her to sit down for an hour a day and teach her stomach manners, to prep him or her before the baby is even born. So every day for the next 9 months, the woman would sit quietly and tell her belly "Be nice to other people, always put others first, and always say please, and thank-you." She never missed a day in 9 months, and the due date came and went, no baby! The woman continued to wait for her newborn, and continued to teach her belly manners and politeness every day, but as days, weeks, months and years passed, the baby never came! Finally, 65 years later when the woman finally passed away in her sleep, the doctors performed an autopsy on her body. They cut open her belly and found 2 little old men with big long white beards, continually saying to each other: "You go first!" "No, you go first!"
What did the 3 tampons say to each other at the bus stop?
Nothing, they were stuck up cunts
Does anybody know if we can take showers yet?
Or should I just keep washing my hands?
If you boil a funny bone
It becomes a laughing stock
A dumb kid walks into an ice cream shop…
Kid: “I’ll have a scoop of vanilla and a scoop of chocolate please.” Clerk: “Sorry kid, we're out of chocolate.” Kid: “OK. Make it a scoop of strawberry and a scoop of chocolate.” Clerk: “No, no, you don't understand, it’s chocolate we're out of,” Kid: “Ah, OK. Then gimme a scoop of raspberry, and a scoop of chocolate.” Clerk: “Listen kid, can you spell the VAN in vanilla?” Kid: “Sure! V-A-N.” Clerk: “Can you spell the STRAW in strawberry?” Kid: “Sure! S-T-R-A-W! Clerk: “Can you spell the FUCK in chocolate?” Kid: “There is no FUCK in chocolate!” Clerk: “THAT’S what I’m trying to tell you.”
A doctor says “The good news is it’s all in your head.”
"The bad news is it's brain cancer."
A girl promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is.
He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again. Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying “yeah this isn’t really for me, I’m not having 67 more of those in my face”
A man walks in a bar and says: ‘I’d like 7 double wiskeys, please.’
The bartender nods and starts pouring 7 glasses of wiskey. As soon as the first glass is ready the man starts chugging, one glass after another. The bartender, dumbfounded, asks the man: 'Why are you drinking so fast?' The man awnsers: 'well, you would do the same as me, if you had what I have,' while chugging the last glass of wiskey. 'So, what is it that you have?' asks the bartender. The man: 'not a single penny'
A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner.
"Ok I want to buy a pet, but I don't want a boring or normal pet – no cats, dogs, or birds – I want something different." The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede. "Really?," the main replied, "How much?" The owner informs him that the talking centipede is $50. Happy with the unusual offering, the man pays the money and takes his new pet home. On getting home he lays the match box with the centipede in it on the table, opens it and says "Hello Mr. Centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede says nothing. Figuring it must be tired from the journey, he decides to leave it for an hour and try again later. An hour later he opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede again says nothing. Starting to get suspicious the man decides he will give it one more hour, and if the centipede doesn't talk, he will take it back to the shop for a refund. An hour later the man opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks!?" The centipede says "I heard you the first time!!! I'm putting my shoes on!"
I don’t hate ALL of the periodic table.
Just elements of it
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting
I said well yea, but people that sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman
Customer: "cargo space?" Me: " no, car no fly, car go roads" Manager: " can I see you in my office?"
What did 2 say to 3 when they saw 6 act like an idiot?
Don’t mind him. He’s just a product of our times.
And the Lord said onto John ” Come Forth and ye shall receive eternal life.”
But sadly John came in fifth and only received a toaster.
My kid asked me, “Dad, what are condoms used for?”
I said, “Usually to avoid answering questions like these.”