Only use left for 2020 calendar
Start 2020 off on the right foot.
Unfortunately, they were caught within a few days and held in captivity for a week. Then they were tortured for information. The French spy was first. They tied him, tortured him, and after 20 minutes he gave them all his information. The English spy fared the same. After being tied and tortured for 20 minutes, he gave in and gave up all his information. But when they tried the same with the Italian, he refused to give up anything and stayed tied to the chair for 3 hours until the Russians gave up and threw him back in the cell. "How did you do that!" The other two were amazed at his endurance. "I wanted to give up all my information," replied the Italian. "But they tied my hands, so I couldn't talk."
Then I saw the next two letters…
I can tell just by looking at them.
Only one in a million turn out to be a human being. Edit: I got my first silver. Thank you people <3
At dinner I asked him where the light was so he pointed at it. I told him to wave hello to the light and luckily he did. I then looked my wife dead in the eye and told her that was the hi-light of his day.
I was delighted.
The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army. The kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it's a valuable resource to have. The first kingdom sends 100 of its finest knights, clad in the best armour and each with their own personal squire. The second kingdom sends 50 knights, with fine leather armour and a few dozen squires of their own. The third kingdom sends their one and only knight, an elderly warrior who has long since passed his prime, with his own personal squire. The night before the big battle, the knights in the first kingdom drink and party into the late hours of the night. The knights in the second kingdom aren't as well off, but have their own supply of grog and drink well into the night. In the third camp, the faithful squire gets a rope and swings it over the branch of a tall tree, making a noose, and hangs a pot from it. He fills the pot with stew and has a humble dinner with the old knight. The next morning, the knights in the first two kingdoms are hungover and unable to fight, while the knight in the third kingdom is old weary, unable to get up. In place of the knights, the squires from all three kingdoms go and fight. The battle lasts long into the night but by the time the dust settled, only one squire was left standing – the squire from the third kingdom. And it just goes to show you that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
A man went to the funeral of his dear friend and asked the wife of the deceased to ask if he could say a word, to which she said: Yes. He said “Plethora”
She said "thank you, that means a lot"
He keeps a log.
So I can legit ride a unicycle. My mom told me it was a waste of time and would never get me anywhere in life….
I said “no mom! Where there’s a wheel, there’s a way!”
As soon as we stepped through the hospital doors, we knew something was wrong. The nurse working in the delivery ward was unclean and unhygienic. Her hair looked like it hadn't been combed for weeks. She gave us a look of utter contempt before ushering us to the delivery room. Throughout the birthing procedure, she would continuously mutter to herself under her breath, saying how her best years were behind her and how she hoped it would all soon be over soon; it made us both extremely anxious. Thankfully, we got through the delivery, and 9 hours later, my wife gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. To our surprise, the nurse who was so indifferent towards us at the start was the first to congratulate us. She wasted no time in caring for our daughter, washing her gently and swaddling her before returning her to her mother. I was so taken aback that I asked one of the other nurses on the floor why her mood had changed so drastically, to which she replied, "Oh, that's normal. She's just having a midwife crisis." This joke is dedicated to all the medical professional out there, especially during this difficult time. You are the real MVPs.
It's Einstein's turn. He counts till ten and opens up his eyes. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein with a chalk in his hand. He's sitting on a box he's drawn, one metre a side. Einstein: Newton you're terrible, I can see you! Newton: No No Einy, you've found one Newton per square metre. You've found Pascal!
A man went into a toy store and ripped the arms off of every teddy bear in the store. Why did the judge let him go free?
He had the right to bear arms.
It writes other words too
He only eats Brians
Dad: go to the corner it's 90°
Well I've got two night stands and a double bed
My dad and his sibling were talking and they just kept going on about how there generation is more hardworking and we’re all lazy 🤦♀️. I wanted to say ok boomer so badly.
but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint. Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again.
The first mathematician orders a beer The second orders half a beer "I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies "Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 "What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous." "Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along" "There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to." "But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-" "I know how limits work" interjects the bartender "Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics" "Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?" "HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade. The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA" The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!" The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish. A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?" "It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."
A blonde walks into a porno shop and asks, "How much for the white dildo?" Salesman answers, "$35." Blonde: "How much for the black one?" Salesman: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one." Blonde: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before." She pays him, and off she goes. A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo?" Salesman: "$35." Black Woman: "How much for the white one?" Salesman: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one." Black Woman: "Hmmm… I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before…" She pays him, and off she goes. About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?" Salesman: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black." Blonde: "Hmmmmm…, how much is that plaid one on the shelf?" Salesman: "Well, that's a very special dildo… it'll cost you $165." Blonde: She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before," She pays him, and off she goes. Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?" To which the salesman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165."
The mechanic waits til you've grown up to fuck you.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him, A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
One goldfish looks at the other and says: "Hey man, how the hell do you drive this thing?"
Only two: One to promise a bright future and another one to screw it up.
Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions. One said, "Think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it?" "Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'These feel just like your sister's." Then you try to stay on for 8 seconds.
Some people… You give them an inch and they take a mile
Little Johnny asks, "Grandpa can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough." The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asks, "Grandpa can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough." The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asks, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "it most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go fuck yourself. These are my cookies!"
The bellhop asks: "Hello, can i help with your luggage?" "Oh thanks, no need, i am travelling light."
I asked if she wanted it pasteurized. She said, "No, up to my tits is fine."
But so far I've made 3 jugs and a vase and they're lovely.
Me: It seems like….you have a hidden agenda.
No text found