Oof ๐๐๐๐๐
My local barber was arrested for selling drugs! I was his customer for years!
Never knew he was a barber
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?[NSFW]
Smallpox HAPPY TURKEY DAY!
– Do you know I’m finally going to watch “Back to the Future”?
– It's about time!
Because of my dyslexia, sometimes I get lost when I use public transportation.
Oops sorry. Wrong bus.
Why did the tomato lose the race?
Because she couldn't ketchup
An Indian and two Pakistanis sat on a Plane.
An Indian got a seat between two Pakistanis on a plane. Relaxing, he took his shoes off. Soon enough, he got hungry. "Hey, I'm going to get myself a snack. You guys want anything?" He asked the Pakistanis. The man to his right said he would like a Coke. "Of course." said the Indian. "After all, Indians and Pakistanis are Brothers!" When the Indian went to get the coke, the man who asked for the Coke spit in one of his shoes. Once the Indian came back, the guy to his left asked him for another Coke. He happily obliged. While he was gone, the man spit in his other shoe. Soon enough, the Indian returned, with the Coke, of course. After everyone had settled down, and the Pakistanis had had half their Cokes, the Indian put his legs in his shoes and sighed. "How long will we keep doing this, brothers? Spitting in each others shoes, pissing in each others Cokes?"
Have you all heard about the monk who claimed to see the face of jesus in a tub of margarine?
He said โi cant believe its not Buddhaโ
Two men with Alzheimer’s at the beach
They're peckish and want some food. The first man, Bob, says โCarl, do you want to buy us a couple of ice creams?โ Carl: Sure what do you want? Bob: vanilla ice cream in a cone, a flake and chocolate sauce Carl: Ok, Iโll be back now. Carl walks off… Bob: Now you will remember what I want? Carl: Yes, vanilla ice cream in a cone, a flake and chocolate sauce. Bob: Correct Carl walks a little further… Bob: Donโt forget now Carl Carl: I wonโt, vanilla ice cream in a cone, a flake and chocolate sauce Carl is nearly at the ice cream van Bob: Carl?!!! DONโT FORGET WHAT I WANT!!!! Carl: I WONโT, VANILLA ICE CREAM, CONE, FLAKE AND CHOCOLATE SAUCE… A little while Carl walks back with 2 burgers. Bob: Fucking hell Carl whereโs my fries??!
Everyone criticizes Apple Maps, but I enjoyed using it for my road trip from New York to Florida.
There's a lot to do in Chicago.
My parents say this sub will turn me into my father.
My bio says otherwise
Why did the can crusher quit his job ?
Because it was soda pressing
A man wanted to have sex with a nun
A man wanted to have sex with a nun he saw every day at the bus station. One day, when they got on the bus, he asked her to have sex with him, but she refused. The bus driver heard their conversation and after she got off the bis, he told the man " Every night, she goes to the cemetery to visit Father Martin's grave, who died a few years ago. If you want to have sex with her, go to the cemetery dressed in black with your face covered and say: Maria, it's me, Martin. I have come to have sex with you before i go to heaven." The man did just as he was told. When he goes to the cemetery, he sees the nun staying in front of a grave with her face covered. The man approached her and said he was Father Martin and wanted to have sex with her. She said: "Fine, but do it in the ass so i can stay a virgin." After the man had sex with her, he uncovered his face and said: "Ha! It was me the whole time!", but then the one he thought was the nun turned around and said: "Ha! It is me, the bus driver!"
Itโs pointless to get into an argument about the Adam and Eve creation story versus evolution.
It is comparing apples to origins.
I have many jokes about unemployed people,
sadly none of them work.
What’s one vegetable you should NEVER bring on a boat?
LEEKS. (my 10yo told me this – he said he thought it up himself.)
What’s brown and not very heavy ?
Light brown
My toddler just dad joked me.
She asked for ice for some imaginary wound, and as I gave her the ice pack (shaped like a circle with five fingers), she told me, "Thanks, Dad, I just needed a hand." I've never been more proud.
I can eat sugar with either hand…
I'm ambidextrose!
George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio and Matthew McConaughey got together to make a movie…
Clooney said, "I'll produce." DiCaprio said, " I'll direct." McConaughey said, " I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."
In case youโre thinking about getting married, consider this carefullyโ-on the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
On the other hand, you donโt.
Why is dark spelled with a K and not a C?
Because you canโt see in the dark…
If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line
Theyโd all be a lot more comfortable
Whatโs Yodaโs last name?
Layheehoo
Son: What’s upstairs?
Dad: Stairs don't talk
There are 10 kinds of people in the world.Those who understand binary and those who dont.
https://ift.tt/37g9Ztt
Why can you never trust trees?
Because they seem shady.
What did the Atheist say upon dying and meeting God?
Well Iโll be damned.
What happened when two silkworms challenged each other to a race?
It ended in a tie! ๐