OOF 100 đđ
A guy sees a sign in front of a house that says: âTalking Dog for Sale.â He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
âYou talk?â he asks. âYep,â the mutt replies. âSo, whatâs your story?â The mutt looks up and says: âWell, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. âThe jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasnât getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now Iâm just retired.â The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says: âTen dollars.â The guy says: âThis dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?â The owner replies: âHeâs just a big liar. He didnât do any of that stuff.â
Why canât dyslexic people tell jokes?
They always punch up the fuck line.
You hear about the wizard that dropped out of Hogwarts?
He couldnât spell. Edit: J. K. Rowling has just notified me that this wizard was also gay. Iâm not sure why that was relevant & I though the joke was good on its own, but she really wanted to clarify.
What do you give a pig with a rash?
Oinkment.
My friend says heâs a compulsive liar…
I donât believe him.
When geese make a V in the sky, why is one side always longer than the other?
There are more geese on that side
The NYPD Bragged About a Big Pot Bust. Turns Out It Seized 106 Pounds of Legal Hemp.
https://ift.tt/2NQdAEZ
I just watched a documentary on beavers.
Best dam movie I've ever seen.
A Roman soldier is bragging to his friend: ‘You’ll never guess with how many women I’ve slept!’
'Mmm?' 'Not that many!'
The world’s leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.
He asks the assistant âDo you have âEuropean Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.â âCertainly,â replies the assistant. âWould you like to listen before you buy it?â "That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones. He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, âI'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?â The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track. Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds." The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track. The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage. "This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!" The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over. "What seems to be the problem, sir?" "This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!" The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly. "I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side."
If I had 50c every time I failed a maths test…
I'd have $6.30 right now
What’s a decent Asian stereo type?
Sony and Yamaha are my favorite.
A bunch of electricians threw a party
It was lit
I found out how vaccines cause autism,
Vaccinated kids live long enough to be diagnosed with autism.
Life is like a dick
it gets hard for no reason and it's much shorter than you expected it to be.
How do you get a philosophy major off of your front porch?
Pay him for the pizza.
What starts with âWâ.
No text found
![[Laughs in Socialist]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/g3g3erkrwqk41-400x488.jpg)
Little Johnny
One day in a school room: The teacher asked the class to use the word âfascinateâ in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, âMy family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, âThat was good, but I wanted you to use the word âfascinate,â not 'fascinating'.â Sally raised her hand. She said, âMy family went to see The Grand Canyon and I was fascinated.â The teacher said, âWell, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word âfascinateâ.â Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher, being a little hesitant on account of she had been burned by Little Johnny before, finally decided there was no way he could damage the word âfascinate,â so she called on him. Johnny said, âMy aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!â The teacher sat down and cried.
I get embarrassed when my dog sniffs peoples’ crotch
Especially because he's a chihuahua and I have to lift him up.
What’s the best part about fingering a gypsy on her period?
You get your palm red for free
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the oven until its Bill Withers. (A tribute to Bill – RIP)
My friend was found guilty of using too many commas.
The judge warned him to expect a really long sentence.
We thank all the essential employees which is why we decided to cut your wages
https://ift.tt/3fzDfPk
A dung beetle walks into a bar…
Is this stool taken?
HELP MY HATS ARE STUCK
MY CAPS LOCKED
– I wish I was a billionaire, just like my dad
Oh, so your dad was a billionaire? No, he also wished he were.
Donald Trump, Joe Biden and Hillary Clinton are in a boat, and the boat sinks. Who is saved?
The United States of America.
Late one night a police officer was patrolling a desolate area popular with young couples doing more than just sitting in the dark.
Catching his attention was a couple in a car with the interior light on. Moving closer, the cop could see a young man behind the steering wheel reading a newspaper. In the backseat a young blonde was knitting. The lawman walked up to the vehicle and knocked on the driver-side window. The startled lad rolled it down and said, âYes, Officer?â âWhat are you doing?â the cop asked. âIsnât it obvious?â the young man replied. âIâm reading todayâs newspaper.â Pointing to the blonde in the backseat, the policeman grunted, âAnd whatâs she doing?â âI believe sheâs knitting a sweater,â the guy behind the wheel responded. âHow old are you?â the cop inquired. âIâm 22, Officer.â âAnd the girlâhow old is she?â The dude in the driverâs seat looked at his watch and said, âSheâll turn 18 in ten minutes.â
Why is it wrong to punch the wall when youâre frustrated?
The wall has never been anything but supportive.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.
When I was a boy..
My momma would send me down to the corner store with 1$ and I'd come back with 5 potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese, a box of tea, and 6 eggs. You can't do that now… Too many fuckin' security cameras.