OOF 100 ๐๐
Atheism,
Itโs a non-prophet organization.
My son got kicked out of three schools this year for letting a girl in class wank him off. I told him, โSon…
…maybe teaching isnโt the best job for you.โ
I drank some food coloring and I dyed a little inside.
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A man enters a cafetaria and is welcomed by a pretty girl behind the counter. While browsing through the menu, he notices that its last item reads: ‘handjob – $15’.
The girl asks: 'Can I help? 'Yes,' says the man, 'the handjob, are you the one giving them?' The lady winks and says: 'I sure am, handsome!' The man: 'Could you then wash your hands, I'd like to order a hamburger.'
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she’s a slut, but if a man does itโฆ
He's gay, definitely gay.
A blonde mom is cooking dinner when her blonde daughter walks in.
The daughter asks, "Mom, why do people think we blondes are stupid?" Her mother replies, "I'll show you", and taps hard on the kitchen counter. Somewhat confused, the blonde daughter says, "Someone's at the door!". The blonde mother laughs. "This is why people think we're stupid. Now watch over the stove for me while I answer the door."
A cop stops a miner for speeding on the highway and asks, “Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?”
On which the miner replies, "mine".
Embarrassing Situation
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" By now, the entire bar is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!"
What do girls with a daddy kink call their real dad?
Nothing, it goes straight to voicemail.
One day I’ll pretend to be gay. I’ll make lots of female friends, gain their trust. Become their confidant, and when they least expected…BAAM!!!
I'll have sex with their boyfriends
Did you hear about the ATM that got addicted to money?
It suffered from withdrawals.
We’ll just use Luxembourg for storage. Why can’t you store your clocks in Sweden? Oh the whiff! And they don’t display leap years properly
We’ll just use Luxembourg for storage. Why can’t you store your clocks in Sweden? Oh the whiff! And they don’t display leap years properly
Why are Lawyers buried 12 Feet Under?
Deep down they're really good people
If Jesus was real they wouldn’t call it the crucifixion…
They would call it crucifact.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way. Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does. Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth. Genie: You son of a…
Did you hear about the cow who tried to jump over a barbed wire fence?
It was udder destruction.
Yesterday my 7 year old son asked me
Yesterday my seven year old son asked me "where does poo come from?". I was a little bit uncomfortable but I gave him an honest explanation. Then he looked at me a little perplexed for a few seconds and then he asked "And Tigger?"
I can’t believe I got a life sentence for a little insider trading
The judge called it "organ harvesting", but that's just semantics
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1% of intelligent people
I know many jokes about unemployed people
but none of them work
Damn babe are you a Minneapolis police officer?
'Cos you're breathtaking..
Why do anti vaxxers hate vaccine jokes?
They never get them
What has two butts and kills people ?
An assassin
I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to a lawyer, and asked him whether I can sue the airline.
He said, โYou donโt have much of a case.โ
Half of us are gonna come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks
and the other half are gonna come out with a drinking problem.
Why did the ram go over the cliff?
Because he didn't see the ewe turn.
Sausage jokes. They’re the wurst, aren’t they?
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The oyster shucker at Red Lobster is on sick leave…
He pulled a muscle.
Why did the wizard seductively kiss his girlfriend below the jawline?
He was a neck romancer.
Everyone thinks Iโm weird because Iโm addicted to ham and pineapple sandwiches.
But thatโs just Hawaii roll.
The urge to sing the lion sleeps to night is just
A whim away a whim away a whim away
Wrong E-mail Address
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they had spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife set to fly down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, sent it. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: To: My Loving Wife Date: July 19, 2010 Subject: I've Arrived I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!
I have a fear of giants
Feefiphobia.
I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: ‘Donโt go in there! Donโt go in the church, you moron!’
She was watching our wedding video again.
I went to the eye doctor.
Eye doctor: Your results aren't good. Me: Can I see them? Eye doctor: Probably not.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C?
Because you can't C in the Dark.