Oof 100
9 out of 10 dermatologists agree that towels…
…are the leading cause of dry skin.
I electrocuted myself this morning.
Don’t worry though, I don’t feel anything currently.
I’ve just been reading that, by law, you have to turn your headlights on when it’s raining in Sweden and I’m thinking…
"Who's going to let me know when it's raining in Sweden?"
An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician…
"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy." The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any other man in the country!" He then proceeds to sing the Soviet anthem, so melodically and beautifully, that everybody in the bar cheers. "Very good, very good!" says the politician. "But I still think you are spy." The man continues to keep his cool. "I am a historian! I can tell you everything about this glorious country!". He then spends about two hours recounting the Revolution, the Great Patriotic War, about how superior to the Russia is in terms of technology compared to America and makes a great argument about how communism is beneficial to society. "Amazing! You are skilled!" says the politician. The spy smirks. "But I still think you American spy." The spy is getting frustrated, but still unfazed. He replies, "I am good drinker, a true Russian! Let us drink, and see who can come out top!" The bar turns its attention to the politician and the spy, who are now in a drinking contest. The bartender serves drink after drink of vodka. After about an hour of drinking, the politician nearly passes out, unable to hold as much liquor as the spy, to a resounding cheer amongst the bar. In the midst of the cheering, the Russian politician gets up, smiling, and in a slurred speech, repeats, "You are good, you are good… but I still think you are spy." The American spy, piss drunk, loses his skill and gives up. "Okay, you got me. I am an American. But what made you think that way, after all this time?" The Russian politician replies, "There aren't many black people in Russia."
This is going to be the first year that I haven’t taken a vacation in Paris, because of the pandemic.
Usually it is due to lack of money
Ok boomer bad. Ban good.
This sub is for comics that display boomer humor. It is not an ok boomer sub or boomer reaction sub. Violators will be temporarily banned.
#644: A woman goes to buy a parrot.
The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks "Why is the last one so cheap?" "Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Dave, haven't seen you for weeks!"
Constipation is when your body just doesn’t give a shit.
No text found
I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…
….but his brother Frank was a monster…
What did Tennessee?
The same thing Arkansas!
I’m having trouble organizing a Hide and Seek League.
Good players are hard to find.
Color Blind
I have recently been diagnosed with color blindness. It really came out of the purple. Don’t hurt me.
My grandfather died and I inherited some of his belongings.
He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens. For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them. After a few decades of this, my grandfather had amassed several dozen neckties, each one with cartoonish images of chickens flying around, laying eggs, and doing other chicken things. I always complimented him on the newest addition to his collection. When he died a couple of years ago, he bequeathed them to me in his will. When my grandmother handed me the bag full of them, my eyes welled with tears and I smiled thinking about my grandfather looking in the mirror and straightening his tie. Why am I telling you all of this back story? Because the last time I tried to tell this to someone and I didn't give context, they thought it was weird that I was so excited about inheriting my dead grandfather's hen tie collection.
Doctor: It appears that your DNA is backwards
Patient: And?
If someone stole a Tesla…
Would it become an Edison?
Picture this: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas.
Global chaos ensues. The disease wipes out 99% of humanity, and the desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.
Finland has just closed their borders
No one will be crossing the finish line
Gadzooks! r/ProgrammerHumor is looking for moderators (mod application thread)
https://ift.tt/2WLc4Zg
A lot of conflict in the Wild West….
….could have been avoided completely if cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
What do lawyers wear to work everyday?
Their lawsuit.
Pulled on a door that required a push,
should have handled that better.
I’m not racist, i love all races equally
Black, asian, normal, it doesn't matter
Shout out to the guy that makes these sausages
In my heart, he'll always be a wiener
My great uncle died making butter on his farm last week.
It was a really unfortunate churn of events.
“Hey Bud, why don’t you use condoms?”
"My pull out game is superb. Condoms are also expensive, gotta pinch pennies when you have 14 kids to feed."
I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”
When I was in college, I used to live on a houseboat and started dating the girl next door.
Eventually we drifted apart.
Australians don’t have sex
Australians mate
A 7 year-old and a 4 years-old are in their bedroom. “You know what, I think it’s time we started swearing. When we go downstairs for breakfast, I’ll swear first, then you” says the 7 year old. “OK” says the 4 year-old. Mum asks the 7 year-old what he wants for breakfast. “I’ll have Frosties, bitch”
WHACK, he flew out the chair crying his eyes out. Mum looks at the 4 year-old and said sternly! “And what do you want?” He says “Don’t know, but it won’t be fucking Frosties”
My French teacher sent us this on our French WhatsApp group and I do not know how to reply
https://ift.tt/3ayg8Cs
I once accidentally mixed up the words “Jacuzzi” and “Yakuza”.
I am now in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
People think that being a taxi driver with dyslexia is difficult.
It's as easy as C, A, B.
I never understood how glass worked
But it's clear to me now.
Did you hear about the hit and run in Nepal?
They found Himalayan in the street!