Oof
My wife bought a new bra, it’s really hard to unhook.
I don't know why I put it on in the first place.
A husband calls for his wife on his deathbed.
He tells his wife that after he passes away he doesn’t want her to be alone. “Six months after I pass, I think it would be okay for you to marry Joe.” “Joe?” his wife asks. “But I thought you hated Joe.” “I do,” the man answers.
What did the duck say when she bought a lipstick?
Put it on my bill!!
What does “The Sixth Sense” have in common with “Titanic”?
Icy dead people.
Donald Trump just turned 73
which makes him the first President whose age surpassed his IQ.
There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator
only a fraction of people will get this joke
For the past three weeks, I’ve been jogging a mile a day
Now I don't know where I am.
Did you hear about the female rapper who only battled while on her period?
They said she had a mean flow.
A young woman was so depressed with her life that she decided to end it by throwing herself into the ocean.
When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "Moreover, I'm lonely too and need someone to love me." The girl understood what he meant. But she nodded yes; after all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her food and wine and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. She got up off the ground and explained, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's taking me to Europe, and he's fucking me." The captain looked at her, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry."
If I got $1 every time a woman said I was’t her type
I'd be her type.
I went to the local Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting last night
but all the seats were taken.
I must have an amazing butt
Whenever I'm done talking to people and walk away they say "What an ass"
I asked 20 women in my neighborhood about their preferred shampoo
A staggering 100% of them use "Get out of my shower".
I used to date my english teacher
but she broke up with me due to incorrect use of the colon
If I had a dollar for every time someone tried to get me to join a pyramid scheme…
Then two of my friends would have a dollar and two of their friends EACH would have have two dollars AT LEAST. And the guy above me? He’s got tons of dollars.
I told my son to not marry a tennis player.
Love means nothing to them.
A superhero arrives in a village.
The mayor of the village approaches him, clearly in distress. The superhero asks the mayor: "What's going on?". The mayor replies with: "We've got a monster nearby that's taking a virgin woman to eat every two days! Please, can you help us defeat it?". The superhero agrees and gets to work. Two weeks later the monster dies of starvation.
I asked 100 women which kind of shampoo they used.
The number one answer was, "How the hell did you get in here?"
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards.
I'm sure that must have been a record.
When does a dad joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop talking in clickbait.
What happened next will shock you!
I asked my wife to describe me in 5 words. She said I’m mature, I’m moral, I’m pure, I’m polite and I’m perfect! Then she added that I also…
…had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces…
I thought my TV broke…
I was watching a documentary about how polar bears’ hands and feet have adapted to the snow when all of a sudden my TV froze. It’s okay though, it was just on paws.
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive West.
I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 Seconds’ DVD.
It was here a minute ago.
There are 10 kinds of people…
Those who understand binary and those who don't.
What kind of bird is always in pain?
The oooowwwwwwwwwwl
Doctor: “Relax Steven, relax. Everything is gonna be alright.”
Patient: "But doctor, I am not Steven. My name is Mike." Doctor: "I know, I am Steven."
Two guys stumble out of the bar and want to fight.
One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'm gonna punch you!" That was the punch line.