OOF
I was complaining to my wife about our nonexistent sex life.
Zero fucks were given.
One day in class, the teacher brought a bag…
"Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe something, and you tell what I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plump and red." Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No, it's a beet, but I like the way you think. – Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish." Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like the way you think" the teacher replies. "Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard." By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like the way you think." Johnny has had enough, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand down my pants. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it's got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter… but I like the way you think!!!"
I asked my son, “Hey, guess what!?” Hesitatingly, he said, “What?”
I yelled, "Good guess!"
![Waiting for that message [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/avl5oiV-400x417.jpg)
Doctor : Does it hurt?
Mother : Yes, a lot. Doctor : So are we vaccinating the baby, or should I slap you again?
My Aunt who spends hours on Candy Crush on her Kindle thought this was hilarious.
https://ift.tt/2HaGbSP
The US Military had too many commanding officers so it offered a significant lump sum to those who retired…
They would measure whoever retired from one point on their body to another and pay $5,000 per inch. The first general asked to be measured from the top of his head to his tip toes and was paid $360,000. The second general was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched arms to his tip toes and was rewarded $520,000 for his creativity. The last general asked to be measured from his left testicle to his right testicle. "Are you sure about that?" the other two asked incredulously. "Yea. Last I remember my right one is still in 'Nam."
So I walked in on my wife having sex with her personal trainer:
And i knew right away that this isnt working out
If you were anti-pencil, would you be eracist?
No text found
We don’t sell to blondes
A blonde walks past a shop as she reads the sign “we don’t sell to blondes” in the window. She goes in to her investigate the situation. To test the sign she asks the salesman “excuse me, I’d like to buy this TV” And the salesman responds “I’m sorry ma’am we don’t sell to blondes” Shocked the woman leaves and returns later in the day now having changed her hair colour to brunette. Once again she asks the salesman “excuse me, I’d like to buy this TV” To which she is met with the same response “I’m sorry ma’am we don’t sell to blondes” She begins to get irritated and heads out to get a new outfit- returning the next day in different clothes, with ginger hair, and a new haircut. She then proceeds to ask the salesman “excuse me, I’d like to buy this TV” To which he responds “sorry ma’am we don’t sell to blondes” Now she is FURIOUS and heads out to plan the perfect deception. She once again changes her hair colour to black, gets a new haircut, changes her outfit, and even gets plastic surgery to look completely different in an attempt to buy from this shop. She returns having looked nothing like she did the previous days and once again asks the salesman “excuse me, I’d like to buy this TV” To which he once again responds “sorry ma’am we don’t sell to blondes” She lashes out screaming at the man “HOW ON EARTH DO YOU KNOW I’M A BLONDE I LOOK NOTHING LIKE I DID WHEN I FIRST CAME IN HERE” “Because that’s a microwave” he says.
I just found an origami porn channel
but it's paper view.
Out of the 26 letters, only E got presents for Christmas.
The other letters were not-E.
There once was a Red Indian who had only one testicle
and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.' Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, Made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die! Why? Everyone knows… You can't kill Two Birds with OneStone
After my breakup I talked to my ex one last time and said: “Do you know what’s been the best thing since I left you, it’s-”
“Oh, I know. You’ve been out shagging anything that moves!” she said. “Sowing your wild oats, getting your prick into anything with a pulse. I know exactly what you’re all about!” “-it’s that I’ve actually been able to finish a fucking sentence without being interrupted.”
I went for a job interview the other day.
They asked, "Can you perform under pressure?" I said, "No, but I can perform Bohemian Rhapsody."
My son told me he didn’t understand cloning.
I told him, "That makes two of us".
A guy came up to me and said, “Man your clothes are so gay”
I said, “I know, they came out of the closet this morning”
Telltale Games will shut down…
Fans will remember that
What’s the difference between a boner and a bonus?
Your wife will never refuse an opportunity to blow your bonus.
What kind of STD’s do fish get?
Merm-aids
It’s a 5-minute walk from my house to the pub. It’s a 45-minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
Pickup line to use at the a hairdresser…
"…excuse me miss, do you comb hair often?"
Why do Japanese christians offer rice wine to jesus?
For christ’s sake
Me: Yeah I’ll probably die alone
Waiter: No I said will you be dining alone? Me: Oh
My mother used to tell me this joke time and again when I was a child.
A mosquito got old enough to fly on his own, when he came back his mother was happily waiting for him. -"How was your first flight, my dear?" The mother asked. -"Amazing." He answered "Everyone thought I was doing great!" -"Oh yeah? What makes you think that?" -"Well, wherever I went people started clapping!"
My wife suffers from a drinking problem.”
“Oh is she an alcoholic?” – “No, I am, but she’s the one who suffers.”
My wife tried to embarrass me in front of her friends….
She said I wasn't any good in bed. She was shocked when they all disagreed with her!
My son asked today “ Dad, are people in Spain cannibals?”
I answered “Why would you think that?” He said “Well, my teacher said they mostly live off of tourists there”.
I’m going to join the Navy purely out of spite
I’m longing to become a Petty Officer.
