Oof
I gently slid her panties to the left…
So that I could fit the rest of the socks in the drawer
If you clean a vacuum cleaner
You become a vacuum cleaner
My wife just tripped and fell while carrying a bunch of clothes she just ironed.
I watched it all unfold.
An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician…
"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy." The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any other man in the country!" He then proceeds to sing the Soviet anthem, so melodically and beautifully, that everybody in the bar cheers. "Very good, very good!" says the politician. "But I still think you are spy." The man continues to keep his cool. "I am a historian! I can tell you everything about this glorious country!". He then spends about two hours recounting the Revolution, the Great Patriotic War, about how superior to the Russia is in terms of technology compared to America and makes a great argument about how communism is beneficial to society. "Amazing! You are skilled!" says the politician. The spy smirks. "But I still think you American spy." The spy is getting frustrated, but still unfazed. He replies, "I am good drinker, a true Russian! Let us drink, and see who can come out top!" The bar turns its attention to the politician and the spy, who are now in a drinking contest. The bartender serves drink after drink of vodka. After about an hour of drinking, the politician nearly passes out, unable to hold as much liquor as the spy, to a resounding cheer amongst the bar. In the midst of the cheering, the Russian politician gets up, smiling, and in a slurred speech, repeats, "You are good, you are good… but I still think you are spy." The American spy, piss drunk, loses his skill and gives up. "Okay, you got me. I am an American. But what made you think that way, after all this time?" The Russian politician replies, "There aren't many black people in Russia."
My 5 yr old girl told her first dad joke today: “Dad look what happened to my tooth!” Smiles and has a disgusting mouthfull of crunched up nachos.
"It's chipped!" Tears of pride and joy
What did 2 say to 3 when they saw 6 acting like an idiot?
'Don't mind him, he's just a product of our times.'
The Dow Jones drops more than 2000 points today. How long before Trump blames Obama?
https://ift.tt/2IAyOVb
I dared a guy to fill up his piggy bank with one penny every year for one hundred years.
He said he wouldn’t do it. Cause it would take a cent-ury.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought…
It’s an extremely rare dish order…
What do you call a nun that sleepwalks?
A roamin' catholic.
My grandpa told me “All you kids do these days is play video games.”
“When I was your age”, he continued, “my buddies and I went to Paris, We went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, pissed on the bartender and didn’t pay for my drinks all night!” The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the Moulin Rouge with his friends. He comes back only three days later covered in bruises, and with a broken arm. The grandfather asks, “What the hell happened to you?” The grandson says, “I did just like you did. I went to the Moulin Rouge; I tried to fuck a dancer on stage and piss on the bartender — but they beat the shit out of me and stole all the cash in my wallet!” The grandfather says, “Well who the hell did you go with boy?” The grandson says, “My friends from school, who did you go with?” The grandfather says, “Well…the Nazis.”
My wife said this sub is nothing but the same recycled crap over and over.
She is so wrong so I told her to check my history. My last post here says otherwise.
Trump book
Today I was at the bookstore; as I was wandering around, the clerk stopped me and offered to help me. I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, "Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?" The clerk angrily said, "Fuck off, get out and stay out!" I said, "Yes! That's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"
“Dad, what do ballerinas wear?”
Dad: You can figure it out. Just put tu and tu together.
A truck full of donkeys passed me on the highway
He was really hauling ass.
I was waiting at the airport baggage carousel, and noticed that everyone else had a better bag than me.
It was ….the worst case scenario.
I find radishes to be kind of cool.
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Why do pirates love Reddit?
It's the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.
What cereal is addicted to working out?
Shredded wheat.
Apparently nobody knows why Notre Dame caught fire….
…but Quasimodo has a hunch.
I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal
Elongate would be really drawn out.
Why did the banana company fire the truck driver?
He drove them nuts.
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck..
and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced, he decides to grant them one wish each before they enter paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps his fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous, too." Another snap of his fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his ass off. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again."
How do kids tell you their grandparents called?
60s kids: Grandma called. 70s kids: Gramps called. 80s kids: Granny called. 90s kids: Grandmother called. Kids now: Boomerang.
There’s this really out of touch old janitor that works at my office building.
At least he’s an ok broomer.
I tried to organize a Hide and Seek tournament, but I eventually gave up.
Good players are hard to find.
I’m not a one trick pony
I know multiple tricks, and I’m not a pony
There are 10 kinds of people in the world.Those who understand binary and those who dont.
https://ift.tt/37g9Ztt