Oof
Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippy?
Because he was too far out man
Why couldn’t the colour blind man sell ice cream?
His cones don’t work.
i’m so sorry
Q: what did the scientist say when they found 2 isotopes of helium? A: HeHe
Been chatting with this 14 year old girl. Real sexy and flirty. Things are going great, but now she tells me she’s an undercover cop.
How fucking cool is that for someone her age.
A cable TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7am and 2pm."
Coronavirus isn’t Trumps Fault. Ebola wasn’t Obama’s Fault. Sars wasn’t Brush’s fault….
And only a handful of cases of herpes were Clinton's fault.
Trump and Obama getting haircut is same barbershop
Donald Trump and Barack Obama end up in the same barbershop As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn into politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. Trump was quick to stop him saying "No way buddy, my wife will smell that and think I've been in a damn whorehouse." The second barber turned to Obama and said "How about you?" Obama replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.
My last 15 minutes as a 23 y/o!!
It's not my birthday but a scary looking man with a crowbar just broke into my house
I used to date my english teacher
but she broke up with me due to incorrect use of the colon
The great thing about your parachute not deploying
Is that you have the rest of your life to fix it.
What kind of conversation did the pirate have?
An ARRRgument with his wife
I hate Russian dolls
They’re so full of themselves
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
When I became a teenager, my father gave me a 30 minute Power Point Presentation on the dangers of having unprotected sex.
All the slides were just pictures of me.
I had a granny that we couldnt decide whether to bury or cremate
In the end we decided to just let her live.
Man with authority walks into a bar…
…and orders everyone a round.
9 months isn’t really that long
It only feels like a maternity
I was asked if I would accept $100,000 if it meant that the person I hated the most got $200,000.
I said "Sure. Why wouldn't I want $300,000?"
What do you say to a 20 year old with no legs, one eye and no health insurance?
“Thank you for your service”
I stopped being breastfed at 3
But enough about my day, how was yours?
In heaven, there were two huge signs. The first read, Men Who Did What Their Wives Told Them to Do….
The line of men under this sign stretched as far as the eye could see. The second sign stated, Men Who Did What They Wanted to Do. Only one man stood under that sign. Intrigued, St. Peter said to the lone man, “No one has ever stood under this sign. Tell me about yourself" The man shrugged and said, “My wife told me to stand here.”
What do you call a sleep walking nun?
A Roamin’ Catholic
I spent 10 minutes trying to remember what the opposite of “night” was..
In the end I had to call it a day..
Guy walks into a bar and notices pieces of meat hanging from the cieling.
He asks the bartender about it and the bartender says that if someone can jump up and touch one of the pieces of meat on their first try then they will get free drinks there for life. However, if they try and can’t do it, they have to buy everyone’s drinks for the rest of the night. The bartender asks the guy if he’s willing to try it and the guy says “no, the steaks are too high”.
Yo Mama so fat
I swerved to avoid her in the road and ran out of gas
Why I’m divorced.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday,' and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.’ I thought …. well, that's marriage for you, but the kids …. they will remember. My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for work I felt pretty low and somewhat dejected. As I walked into my office, my hot boss, sam, said, 'Good morning, and by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when sam knocked on my door and said, 'It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.' I said, 'Thanks, sam, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!' We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two red wines each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, sam said, 'It's such a beautiful day … we don't need to go straight back to work, do we?' I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?' She said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner. After arriving at her house, sam turned to me and said, 'If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday.' And I just sat there …. on the sofa …. naked.
I took a selfie after my kidney removal surgery
Hashtag nofilter
Biker joke
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control, and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused, I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman behind the wheel who asked, "Are you okay?" As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for… "I'm okay, I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head." "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that…" "Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this…" We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still in the ditch, I guess."