Oof
A man experiencing severe headaches goes to the doctor
He says."Doc, you've gotta help me. I've been getting these same headaches everyday and I don't know what to do". The doctor says "I experienced those same headaches too. Here's what I did: I went home and gave my wife oral sex. She would squeeze my head with her legs and this relieved the tension. Try it". Two weeks go by, and the doctor calls him up, asking how he feels. He says "Doc, you're a genius! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment. I feel like a new man! Oh, and by the way, you have a lovely home".
Losing a rifle in the army can get you a fine over over £500
I am starting to finally understand why navy captains go down with the ship
My wife says she’s like a microwave.
She's easy to turn on, gets hot quick, and if you put a baby in her she'll kill it. .
If you really think about it condoms are just sonblock.
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A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Ceasar walk into a bar.
He came, he saw, he conquered.
Why did the outlaw minstrel get dumped by his girlfriend?
All he ever wanted to talk about was his lute.
A Roman soldier is bragging to his friend: ‘You’ll never guess with how many women I’ve slept!’
'Mmm?' 'Not that many!'
Trumpets and Gun
In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?""What do you mean strange?""Because you sell only trumpets and guns!""So?""Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?""It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
I told the wife I could make a car out of spaghetti
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta
What do you call an angsty teenage robot?
A sigh borg!
What did the maid request when asked to make the wood furniture sparkle?
"We need more lemon pledge"
What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. We’re closed.
What do we want? Low flying airplane noises
When do we want it Neeeooooooow
She got fired from the hot dog stand…
… for putting her hair in a bun.
What do you call egg salad that’s just okay?
Ehh-gg salad.
So what if I don’t know what “apocalypse” means.
It's not like it's the end of the world
I’m voting for an old, senile, racist, sexist, white man with rape allegations this year for president.
But I’m still not sure which one to pick.
My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the “telephone” he had just made from a string and two tin cans…
I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"
The Earth used to be flat…
Until they buried yo momma.
I recently visited a pickle factory
The experience was jarring.
Batman
Two men in a bar. One says "Hey, I can do an awesome Batman impression." "Go on then" the second one says. "OK, here we go…" the first one responds, "Oh no! Not the KRYPTONITE!" The second one shouts "That's SUPERMAN" "Oh thanks man, I've been practicing for a while."
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they’ll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age…
What’s E.T. short for?
He’s only got little legs.
My teacher told me to turn in my essay…
But I ain’t no snitch.
Went to a club with the wife and there was a guy on the dance floor going mental – twerking, breakdancing, spinning, moonwalking, back flips, the whole lot . My wife turned to me and said, “See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”
I said, "By the looks of it, he’s still fucking celebrating!”
There are 3 genders
Male Female IMAGINATION
I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.
If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
My wife is really mad at the fact that i have no sense of direction.
So i packed up my stuff and right.
My granddad had my sides busting with this one over Christmas!
A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in. One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left. As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?" "He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."
Had to explain what irony was to someone at church.
Apparently, "Being a carpenter and getting nailed to a wooden cross" isn't a good example.
