Oof
What’s the difference between hungry and horny?
Where you put the cucumber
(My dad literally just told me this joke) A friend of mine just bought a hand gun from a t-rex.
He’s a small arms dealer.
I dig… You dig… He dig… She dig… We dig… They dig…
Now it's not a very beautiful poem… But it's quite deep
Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer
One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?" The other says "No"
1 week before Grandad died we bought him a snowboard…
…he went downhill very quickly after that.
How was the roman empire cut in half
With a pair of Caesars
I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD
It was here a minute ago Edit : fixed the spelling
I’ll admit, I was wrong about how good my Chiropractor is.
I stand corrected.
I made a graph showing my past relationships..
It was an ex axis and a why axis.
Why is no one friends with Dracula?
Because he's a pain in the neck.
My wife recommended I do some light reading to relax at the end of the day
Not really relaxing, as my eyes are in pain, but I managed to make out, "60 Watts – Made in China."
A couple goes to a sex therapist..
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" "We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50…and I get $43 back from Medicare
I can cut a piece of wood by just looking at it
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes
How do you like them apples?
A guy sits down at the bar, and asks for a Rum & Coke The bartender plops an apple in front of him. "But I wanted a drink" The bartender says "Just try it." The guy bites into the apple, and says "Wow, this tastes just like rum!" "Turn it around," says the bartender. The guy bites into the other side of the apple and says "Wow, this tastes just like Coke. Amazing!" Another guy sits down, orders a Gin & Tonic. The bartender plops down an apple in front of him. "I want a drink, not food" The first guy says "Trust me, just taste it." He bites into the apple, and says "Wow, this tastes just like Gin" "Turn it around," says the bartender. He bites into the other side, and says "Wow, this tastes just like Tonic. Amazing!" A third guy sits down. "What can I get for you?" the bartender asks. "Hmm, let me think" The first guy says "Whatever you want, he has an apple that tastes just like it." The guy says "Oh yeah, do you have one that tastes like pussy?" The bartender plops down an apple in front of him. He takes a bite, and spits it out, screaming "This tastes like SHIT" "Turn it around" says the bartender.
Is Google male or female?
Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
Why is dark spelled with a k and not a c
Because you can't see in the dark
I thought it was impossible to get injured while masturbating…
But I think I've pulled it off.
A tree’s first winter must be terrifying.
Imagine the releaf they feel in spring.
Why do dragons sleep at day time?
So they can fight knights.
What’s the difference between a Cat and a Comma?
One has claws at the end of the paws… The other is a pause at the end of a clause.
Orion’s belt is a huge waist of space.
Terrible joke. 3 stars.
You’ve seen Garfield on a Monday, now what about Garfield on a Tuesday?
You’ve seen Garfield on a Monday, now what about Garfield on a Tuesday?
A German tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my dog who was drowning…
After he climbed out he handed me the dog and said "here is ze dog, keep him varm and dry him off he vill be fine", I said "are you a vet?", He replied "vet? I'm fucking soaking!"
6 was scared of 7 because 7,8,9 but why did 7 eat 9?
Because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.
Why couldn’t the egg quit smoking?
Because he'd Benedicted to it. I thought of this joke over 20 years ago as a kid lol
I wa robbed by six dwarves today.
Not Happy.
I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside and gave her one last chance…
Unfortunately, she blew it!
How does a cowboy start his day?
He reboots
Sen. Mitch McConnell Responds to Calls to Recuse Himself from Impeachment Hearings
https://ift.tt/36y8XHm
A man with 5 legs put on pants
They fit like a glove
I havent spoken to my wife for eighteen months
I don’t like to interrupt her.
The wife said: “Bulls can engage in sexual activity more than 20 times in a day. I wish you could do that…”
And the husband replied: "Just remember they do it with more than one cow…"
My girlfriend warned me she would break up if I didn’t stop making jokes about oral sex.
I said "That's hard to swallow."
Rewatching the first season of Survivor, and I felt this.
Rewatching the first season of Survivor, and I felt this.
How do celebrities stay cool?
They have many fans.
What do you call a sword that doesn’t weigh much?
A light saber
My doctor told me I could get a trophy from being on crutches
but all I got were smaller, weaker leg muscles.