Or we'd all be sorry
But sometimes I have trouble getting into the driver’s seat.
Me: Why doc? Is there something wrong? Doctor: Its making me really uncomfortable
[Announcement] If you keep spamming your youtube channels here then your post will be marked as spam.
Which means that you will not only be banned from posting to this sub but you may get a shadow ban from reddit. Shadow ban means that you will not be able to post anything to ANY subreddit. Just follow the rules before posting.
I was grocery shopping with my wife and she was picking up holiday hand soap. She asked me which ones I liked. I grabbed two different ones off the shelf and said "let me give you my two scents"
A dart board on a ceiling.
I'm alright, but I think I dyed a little inside.
One rich man is asked how he got rich. He answers: I bought one unwashed apple in the market for a dollar, washed it and sold it for 2, then bought 2 unwashed apples, washed it and sold it for 4. -And so gradually you got rich? – No, after 2 years, my grandmother died and left me a legacy of 4 billion dollars, and I stopped doing nonsense
Cop: You are the lawyer. Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?
He gets disqualified
But if I’m gonna have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
One turns to the other and says “Man, I can’t believe I blew thirty bucks in there”.
I said “No sun”
He was decomposing.
The winner of the no Belle prize.
At the dadabase.
but I need to think it, over.
It has a ring to it.
I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”
I said, “No. Is that still required?”
It's Pi day the 14th, expect irrational fear
Tell them it's almost over
Because being ugly every day sucks… 🙁
I was walking with my girlfriend when a random guy whistled at her and said, “Nice ass”. She was clearly annoyed and demanded I say something.
So I turned around and said, "Thank you I've been doing squats."
Corona did what Trump promised
His friends described him as a warm and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped.
I mean… how low can you get!
Would it be called an Edison?
But my parents already made one.
"Thanks for the warning, officer."
Apologies in advanced for spelling and grammar as I’m on my phone. A man is driving down the street and sees a penguin on the side of the road. Curious he decides to pull over and pick it up. About that time a local police officer sees the two of them and decides to pull behind him as he’s loading the penguin up. “Just what do you think you’re doing with that penguin?” The officer demands “I haven’t a clue what to do with him I just saw him on the side of the road and figured I’d pick him up” The man replied “Well I suggest you take him straight to the zoo!” The officer suggested. So the man agrees and takes off heading toward the zoo. The next day the officer is at his post when he sees the same guy in the same car driving by with the same penguin. He immediately hits the flashers and pulls the man over. “Hey pal I thought I made it clear yesterday to take this penguin straight to the zoo!” The officer stated “Yeah we did that yesterday, today I’m taking him to the ball game”
They fall when you hit them multiple times with an axe.
They checked our ratings. One star.
Americans really do hate the metric system.
My son got me good. I build websites for a living. He told me he didn’t like the one I was working on, and I should have let a spider do it.
You know. “Cause spiders are naturally good web designers.”
Haven't heard from him yet