oOf SiZe LaRgE
St. Peter welcomes them and shows them to their homes. For the taxi driver, a beautiful villa looking over a gorgeous field of clouds. "Thank you," the ecstatic taxi driver said. Anticipating an even bigger mansion, the priest was dismayed when they arrived at a small 1-bedroom apartment. "St. Peter, I'm a little puzzled," the priest began. "As a clergyman, I devoted decades of my life solely to serving the Lord. How come the taxi driver got a villa, and for me, only a small apartment?" St. Peter smiled. "Up here, we go by results. While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
A lip reader
It will be a sadder day
They have sunglasses and white sticks. As the plane starts to move, the passengers are uncomfortable. The plane gains speed, but it stays on the ground. The remaining runway gets smaller and smaller, and the plane is rushing towards a fence. The passengers start shrieking and suddenly the plane lifts, avoiding the fence at the last second. All the passengers calm down, thinking it was a bad joke. In the pilot cabin, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says : "You know what? One day they're going to scream too late, and we're all going to die."
“I bet it’s the snooty bitch at number twenty three,” she replied.
Last night for example, I couldn't fall asleep, because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.
He was disqualified.
But it was a Risk I was willing to take.
i’m new to this subreddit 🏃🏽♀️
friend: aw shoot me: i cant
I went to the doctors for the first time in a long while. He told me I had a piece of lettuce hanging out of my ass
I told him it’s just the tip of the iceberg
I replied, “he ransomware.”
asked a son to his father. "It means 'happy,'" replied the father. "Oh," contested the son, "so are you gay, then?" "No, son, I have a wife."
Because they always keep their eyes peeled.
it looks fishy
She must be really rubbing her hands together now!
I think it’s the Chopin board.
Maybe a New Jersey? I don't know, but Alaska.
No text found
At the border, she's stopped by a border security officer. "Name?" asks the officer. "Angela Merkel," she says. "Occupation?" asks the officer. "Look, we said we were sorry," she replies.
It's like I've never seen herbivore.
but now I'm clean.
In the riverbank
I've said it before.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. “I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?” The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”
I understand now why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship.
But it just kept ringing.
Fast 10: Your Seatbelts
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?" A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. The NASA PR people brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message. Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. His translation of the old man's message was: "Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land."