oogabooga kids only know The Technology ooga hhhh
…and finds himself in hell. Walking around, he runs into the devil. Devil: Why are you so sad? Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell. Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man? Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Devil: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Diet Coke. We drink until we throw up and then we drink some more. Guy: Gee, that sounds great. Devil: You a smoker? Guy: You better believe it. Devil: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our friggin' lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay — you're already dead. Guy: Golly! Devil: I bet you like to gamble, too. Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do. Devil: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it. You like to do drugs? Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean…? Devil: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of the Titanic. You can do all the drugs you want, and you'll never die — you're already dead. Guy: Neat! I never realized hell was such a happenin' place! Devil: You gay? Guy: No. Devil: Oh, you're gonna hate Fridays
He became a maid, he was already accustomed to performing light house work.
He was clearly out of the loop.
It was really time consuming
Because if they lived by the bay they’d be bagels.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.
When he notices Wonder Woman laying totally naked on top of a skyscraper, legs spread wide open. He thinks to himself, man, I’m Superman… Faster than a speeding bullet. I can go down there, fuck the shit out of her as fast as I can and be out of there before she feels a thing. He swoops down as fast as he can and within a second, he’s gone. “What was that?!” screamed Wonder Woman. “I don’t know” the Invisible Man said. “But my asshole is killing me.”
Said no one, ever
But to me, March 14th will always be cake day.
To get to the other side
A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively “You’ve got great hair!” The man looked around but couldn’t see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.
A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say "You're a handsome man!" The man looked around, but still couldn't see where the voice was coming from. When he went back to his beer, the voice said again "What a stud you are!" The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what was going on. The bartender said "Oh, it's the nuts–they're complimentary."
Got my dream job today. I get my own 200 thousand dollar company car and a corner window with a view of the city..
Being a city bus driver is a dream come true.
I wish I had a pony.
No Questions asked
Tenor twelve feet away from her and all musical instruments at all times.
But I think I've pulled it off.
Because they lost their Vision
Dad to be:"Actually, we'd like him to keep his liver"
Suddenly, a stranger appears and starts to talk with her. Stranger: What is your name, sad lady Lady: My name is Edit, I am the daughter of Solomon and Alta. I am asking for help because I have nothing to eat Stranger: I just won this golden coin in a game of poker. I feel guilty for keeping something earned so dishonestly. Looks like you could have better use for it. Edit: Wow, thanks for the gold, kind stranger!
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. “It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. My brothers haven’t been affected tho."
His condition is stable now.
It’s all good until you realize you’re only screwing yourself.
I can also tell when they're standing.
One shucks between fits.
A man rushes home late from work, slams the door open and plops himself down on the sofa. He turns on the tv and looks at his wife “quick” he says “get me a beer and some food before it starts!”
The wife gets up slowly looking startled but slightly excited. She wanders into the kitchen and comes back quickly with a beer and some food for her husband. The man gulps down the beer and looks back to his wife “quick!” He says “get me another beer before it starts!” The man goes back to flicking channels and stuffing food in his mouth. The wife stands up, obviously angry at her husband. And turn the TV off. “Now you look here! You come home late, don’t even say hello, don’t explain why you were late either! I bet you were with that harlot from work again wasn’t you? You said it was over, how could you do this to me! I cook for you, clean for you, and all you do is treat me like a slave! My mother was right about you! I even…. The man lays back on the couch, his eyes glaze over and he zones out. “Damn” he mutters to himself, “it’s started”.
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He taps on the window, and finds two kids inside: a girl knitting and a boy reading a book. After a second, the boy looks up. "Evening officer." "What are you kids doing?" the cop demands, "How old are you two?" "I'm reading," says the boy, "and I'm twenty." He points to the girl. "She's knitting, and she'll be eighteen in five minutes."
A coin Source: my 7 year old sister
He thus searches online for someone to fix his fence for him, but he is not satisfied with their prices – that is, until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free. He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing; but since it’s free, he feels like he has nothing to lose, so he hires him. Sure enough, a few days later, the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand. The man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it. About an hour later, the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished; and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can’t just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free, he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee. The man then starts talking to the monk. “It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair,” noted the man. “Why do you do it?” The monk replied, “Religious reasons.” The man then says, “I don’t know much about Buddhism. Why do you need to repair fences?” “Because,” the monk replied, “you would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting.”
Looks like reindeer!!