Ooh Daddy
An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar…
The first asks for a pint of beer. The second asks for 1/2 of a pint of beer. The third asks for 1/4 of a pint of beer, etc. The bartender fills 2 pints of beer, and walks away.
I had to get rid of my old ladder today
We had our ups and downs but I'll still miss it
I saw a sign that said falling rocks,
so I tried it. It doesn't.
I didnât eat anything other than brown bread for dinner…
That was my wholemeal…
Why don’t balloons do drugs.
If they get to high they'll get busted
Whatâs ET short for?
heâs got small legs
Also heard something like:Faster you go slower the time around you. So if you move as fast as light ,which is the limit, the time will stop around you. And if you go faster than light you will travel back in time.(I’m not sure of that information so please correct me if I’m wrong)
https://ift.tt/2RNcaiq
Don’t make fun of fat people with lisps…
They're thick and tired of it
So there was this assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.
A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?" "Yup." "What if you miss?" He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss…" "Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now." "Let's go," the assassin says. So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope. "They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off." The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot. "Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks. "Hold on a minute," said the assassin, "I think I can save you 10K".
I went to blockbuster back in 1996 and asked the man if I could rent “Batman Forever”
He said: "No sir, Ill need it back tomorrow night"
3 vampire brothers want to see who is the strongest
The first brother flies off at 100mph and comes back 10 minutes later. His mouth was covered in blood. âYou see the mansion over there?â Said the first brother, âI sucked everybody in there dry.â The second vampire said âThatâs nothingâ and flew off at 150mph and came back 5 minutes later with his nose and mouth covered in blood. âYou see the village over there?â Said the second vampire brother, âI sucked everybodyâs blood dry!â The third vampire said âThatâs nothing!â And flew off at 200mph and came back 10 seconds later, his whole face and shirt DRENCHED in blood. âWoah, what happened?â Said the first brother. âWell, you see that tree over there?â Said the third vampire. âYeah?â Replied the other brothers, âI didnât.â
Why was the soldier pinned down?
He was under a tack
I threw my wife a surprise bukakke party.
It was a big success. Everyone came. You should have see her face.
I went to the doctor and he said i was going deaf.
It's been 3 weeks and I have not heard from him since.
My paper towels went missing.
So I had to hire a bounty hunter.
What do you call a Communist sniper?
A Marx-man
Iâd like to tell my lasagna joke here,
…but itâs multi-layered and way too cheesy
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring
I am okay but, I think I dyed a little inside
Whatâs better than Ted Danson?
Ted Singin and Dancin
A German, an Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishme
…are debating philosophy. The question arises over the course of their debates: what separates man from the animals? "Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the heights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the beasts." "I disagree," announces the Italian. "It is our food. The creatures of the wild eat, but they do not cook. Humans on the other hand, create amazing dishes and new combination that make eating a most enjoyable experience." "I say it's art," decides the Frenchman. "No other being can create art. From our earliest days we have painted, and now we sculpt, write and compose as well. The wild animals cannot ever know what it is like to cry over a beautiful piece of art." All three now look towards the Englishman, expecting his answer. He takes a long sip of tea before answering, "The Channel".
Itâs very rare that a defibrillator fails.
But when it does, no one is shocked.
When Beethoven passed away…
…He was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eight Symphony, and it's backwards too! Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh… The Sixth… The Fifth…" Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery: "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
A senior West Wing staffer told Trump that…
…he had a dream, and in that dream Trump got his huge military parade after all, complete with hundreds of thousands of cheering, flag-waving people lining the streets. "Was I smiling?" Trump asked. "I don't know," the aide replied. "It was a closed casket."
My wife found out I was cheating on her, after she found all the letters I was hiding.
She got so mad and said she is never playing Scrabble with me again!
What do you call a teenage boy’s bedside diary?
Sticky Notes
The Pope dies and arrives in Heaven
St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is. The Pope: "I am the pope." St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book." The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth." St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me …" The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church …" St. Peter: "The Catholic church … Never heard of it … Wait, I'll check with the boss." St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God. St. Peter: "There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth." God: "I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of … Wait, I'll ask Jesus." (yells for Jesus) Jesus: "Yes Dad, what's up?" God and St. Peter explain the situation. Jesus: "Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow." Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room Jeffery Epstien didn't kill himself laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing. Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I've started 2000 years ago? It still exists!"
Within minutes, the detective knew exactly what the murder weapon was…
It was a brief case…
A rapist, priest, and child molester walk into a bar
He orders a drink
Social distancing isn’t just a recommendation, it’s a commandment.
Thou shall not COVID thy neighbor's house
My Lesbian neighbours Eva and Julia asked me to help them conceive a child recently.
They said they wouldnât mind if we did it the âold fashioned wayâ as they weren't man haters! For six months now weâve been trying but I just donât have the heart to tell them I had a vasectomy last year.
Richard Pryor: I got famous for saying “motherfucker”. Sam Jackson: I also got famous for saying “motherfucker”.
Oedipus: You guys are all talk.