Ooh that had to hurt
“I love you loads, honey pie.” My wife said earlier.
“And I love you tons.” I replied. “What, no nickname for me?” She asked, disappointed. Sometimes I swear the fat cow’s going deaf.
When the earthquake told a joke, nobody laughed.
But the ground was cracking up.
A naked woman robbed a bank
Nobody could remember her face
What do you call an egg on the beach?
Sandy Eggo
Why did Karen press control alt delete?
She wanted to speak to the task manager.
Why are priests bad at marathons?
Because they always come in a little behind
A friend of mine has just got a job as a director at Macdonalds farm.
He's been made the CIEIO
A man walks into a bar…
…he approaches the barman and asks for a whiskey and coke. "Take this apple." "I don't want an apple. I want a JD and coke." "Trust me, try the apple." The man takes a bite, and exclaims "Christ! This tastes like Jack Daniels!" "Yup. Turn it around." "Wow!" He says after taking a bite from the other side of the apple, "This side tastes like coke!" Before the man can ask the barman to explain the apple's mysteries, another patron walks in. "Vodka and tonic please mate" "Here's an apple." "I don't want a fuckin' apple mate, I want a…" "Trust me, try the man's apple. They're incredible!" Interrupts the first customer. He takes the apple and begrudgingly takes a large bite and starts spluttering; "Bloody hell this tastes like neat vodka!" Both the barman and the first customer yell "Turn it around!" in unison. The man obliges and exclaims "Wow! This tastes like tonic water. These apples are fantastic!" A third man saunter's up to the bar; "Pint of IPA please mate". "Hold on!" Says the second customer. "This guy has an apple in any flavour you want, it's incredible!" "Any flavour?" Asks the third man. "Any flavour you want sir." Say the barman. "In that case, gimme an apple that tastes like pussy!" "Um.. alright" says the barman as he hands him an apple. The man takes a bite and immediately spits everything onto the bar. "EEErrrughcchh!!! This apple tastes like shit!!" "TURN IT AROUND!!"
I used to be a man trapped in a woman’s body
Then I was born.
I am Barby girl in a Barby wooorld, life in plastic is fantastic!
I am Barby girl in a Barby wooorld, life in plastic is fantastic!
People say I’m a plagiarist…
Their words, not mine.
What did the shy pebble wish for?
That she was a little boulder.
Did you know if you hold your ear up too a strangers leg
… you can actually hear them say "what the fuck are you doing?"
I asked, “Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
He replied, “No sun.”
Why can’t you hear Pterodactyls go to the bathroom?
Because their P is silent
(Forgets Ferbruaury has that weird amount of days)
(Forgets Ferbruaury has that weird amount of days)
Why is Ireland the biggest country in the world?
Because it keeps Dublin.
What’s the difference between 4-layer toilet paper and a liberal arts major?
You don't find 4-layer toilet paper at McDonalds!
How many volunteers do we have for my army ?
"385, my liege." "Okay, round them up." "400, my liege."
What’s the difference between jam and jelly?
I ain't never been caught in a traffic jelly. Slaps knee
Self isolation is getting so bad I’m starting to crush on my roommate.
And we’ve been married more than 27 years!
What do you call an atheist church?
A non-prophet organization! 😂😂
I have the world’s largest collection of seashells, you may have seen it…
I keep it scattered on beaches all over…
Why do melons have to plan their weddings?
They cant Elope…
“Dad, what do ballerinas wear?”
Dad: You can figure it out. Just put tu and tu together.
I wrote a joke about minorities.
It's different to the other jokes.
Humans can atmost grow upto 8 feet
But usually most of them have 2
What’s the difference between the worst political party and my penis?
One of them is left leaning, and the other one is right leaning.
One day a man was waking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp.
He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp. Reluctantly, the genie said, "Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However, because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most: your boss." So the man agreed and made his first wish. "I want lots of money", he said. Instantly 22 million dollars appeared in the man's bank account and 44 million appeared in his boss' account. For his second wish, the man wished for a couple of sports cars. Instantly a Lambergini, Ferrari and Porsche appeared. At the same time two of each car appeared outside of his boss' house. Finally the genie said, "This is your last wish, you should choose carefully," and to this the man replied, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney…"
What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll…
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants
Bartender: "Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?" Pirate: "Arrrr, it's driving me nuts!"
I told my Asian parents that I am Asexual
They were disappointed that I wasn't A+sexual.
Where did Noah keep his bees?
In the Ark hives
Why do fish fail in school?
They are below the C level.