Ooooo he snitching….
Entertainment night at the senior home
It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Centre. After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show -Claude the Hypnotist! Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time," said Claude. The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain. "I want you to keep your eyes on this watch," said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see. "It's a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations," said Claude. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "WATCH THE WATCH — WATCH THE WATCH —- WATCH THE WATCH." The audience became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch. They were hypnotised. And then suddenly, the chain broke! The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact. "SHIT," said Claude. It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens Centre. Claude was never invited there again
I was given MDMA and LSD tonight…
What a shit way to start a game of Scrabble.
I keep hearing music coming from the printer.
I think the paper is jamming.
“it is what it is”
“it is what it is”
A man gives his wife blood to keep her alive.
Later they split up, man says, I want my fucking blood back, wife throws a tampon at him and says I'll pay monthly.
How do you murder mass?
You killagram
There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke.
After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, “Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?” With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door. “Wait, ladies,” cried the professor, “The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!”
I get embarrassed when my dog sniffs peoples’ crotch
Especially because he's a chihuahua and I have to lift him up.
I don’t understand Joaquin Phoenix
If Phoenixes can fly why is he Joaquin?
As I handed my Dad his 50th Birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,
“You know, one would have been enough”
Are you tired of boiling water every time you make pasta?!
Just boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later!!
You know you’re a spoilt child.
When you get an early Christmas present in January.
Q: Why did Ariel wear seashells?
A: She outgrew her B shells.
I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants,
You’ve probably never heard of herbivore.
Man walks into a barber shop: “Can you shape my afro like a sphere?”
Sorry, we don’t do that round hair.
A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up
The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?" The man in the car says "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them, but I haven't had a clue." The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo." "Hey, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away. The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car. "Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo." "Oh, I did," says the driver, "And we had a swell time. Today I am taking them to the beach."
I was having a bad day so I bought a bottle of vodka,gin and whisky and put them in an elevator and sent them to the top floor. Didn’t have a good reason,
Just needed something to lift my spirits
Right enough of these “2020 vision” jokes
I don’t want to make a spectacle of myself
Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar…
She always said she wanted a night in, shining armor…
What did one deer say to the other when leaving the gay bar?
"I must have blown twenty bucks in there."
What do you call a white crow?
A caw-casian.
A charity was trying to convince the towns only millionaire in town to donate to them.
So they sent a worker to his mansion to try to convince him. When he asked the millionaire to donate, the millionaire became angry. "First," he said,"are you aware that my brother, a blind veteran who has four kids and a wife with terminal illness is being evicted in three days?" A little embarrassed, the charity worker replied. "Well, uhm no." "Also, did you know about my mother who is confined to a wheelchair and is living in a homeless shelter?" "Well no sir." "Exactly!" said the millionaire "So if I didn't help them, what makes you think I'll help you?"
When I am on my death bed surrounded by my friends and family my final words will be
"You guys want to see a dead body?"
If someone can explain to me why my heating bills are so high..
..My door is always open.
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead reach the steps to heaven, when they meet God.
As they are about to start climbing the 100 steps to heaven, God says, "Wait!" "At every step I will tell you a joke, if you don't laugh, you can go to heaven." The girls agree, and start climbing. On the 27th step, the redhead starts laughing, and disappears. On the 77th step, the brunette can't hold in her laughter, and disappears. On the 99th step, the blonde begins to laugh. Before making her disappear, God asks, "You were so close, why would you start laughing." To which the blonde replies, "I finally got the joke from the first step."
Kid: what does a condom do?
Dad: nothing, apparently.
Dad jokes are the best
Wife: I have to tell you something. I'm pregnant. Husband: Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad Wife: No you're not.
Why are there two “d”s in “Reddit”?
The second one’s a repost.
My sewing instructor just told me that I’m the worst student she has ever seen.
Shit. Wrong thread.
Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in their soup?
Because one more bean would be too farty.
Why did China get invaded?
They weren't ready to face the Khansequences.
When I was young, at bedtimes…
My mum used to tell me fairy stories with a happy ending. Just one of the benefits of having a masseuse as a parent I guess.
I’ve squirted an entire bottle of No More Tears in my baby’s face… …
and she's still crying. Parenting is hard
Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance?
Because he had no body to go with.
I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number.
I told her we use names here.
The Pregnant Woman On The Bus (not mine)
Another classic… A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. … … … … The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this: when the lady got on the bus,I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said,'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' …. I just lost it!
My Tinder match said she’d talk to me again when she got home…
Guess she’s homeless.
My friend showed me his huge comic book collection…
It was quite a Marvel.