oOoOoOoohhhhHh
Went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.
There has been an outbreak of mad cow disease in Austria.
The hills are alive with the sound of moo sick
One Day a Cowboy Rode into Town
He tied up his horse and entered a saloon When he exited the saloon, he found his horse missing The cowboy shouted, "I'm going to go inside for another drink, when I'm done, my horse better be returned. If not, I'll do what I did back in Texas." The cowboy went back inside the bar, got a drink, and returned to find his horse. As he saddled up, a man approached him and asked, "Out of curiosity, what did you do back in Texas?" The cowboy responded, "I had to walk home." P.S. Sorry
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.
The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day." The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up. The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up. The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever. The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."
Help please :D
Can you help me with a project answering this poll with your age? https://ift.tt/2veVDKO – 12 to 17 https://ift.tt/2SwdhSb – 18 to 24 https://ift.tt/2UBOOxu – 25 to 34 https://ift.tt/2SwdiWf – 35+
My wife thinks I don’t give her enough privacy.
At least that's what she said in her diary.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using his 3D printer, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
What do you call a constipated detective?
No shit Sherlock
I remember once when my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead i bought a raffle ticket for a brand new car…
…when i got home,i explained to my dad what i did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day,when my dad woke up and opened the door,outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried especially me,because the car was from the electricity company,they were there to cut off the electricity, my dad beat the crap out of me again
A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says “Why the long face?”
The horse, incapable of understanding human language, promptly shits on the floor and leaves
My future boss asked if i could perform under pressure.
I said "No, but I can do a great Bohemian Rhapsody"
What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
A literalist takes things literally and a kleptomaniac takes things, literally.
Elon Musk has developed a new Tesla car that uses karma instead of fuel.
It runs on upvolts.
Are you the replacement teacher for my class today?
Sorry, wrong sub
I steal candy bars using sleight of hand…
You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve…
Never challenge death to a pillow fight
unless you’re ready to face the reaper cushions
Dad: Hey, remember tomorrow is Father’s Day!
Me: Yeah, but it’s son day as well.
My wife accidentally killed one of her plants by over watering…
I told here I guess it wasn't the right Thyme for it. Yes, it was a Thyme plant. (My son is too young to understand how great her eye roll was so I need recognition somewhere)
I recently visited a pickle factory
The experience was jarring.
Getting weights delivered to your house is so expensive!
It's best to just pick them up.
I went for my interview to be a bus driver.
I said, "Sorry I'm late." They said, "You're hired"
To the person who stole my glasses, I will find you.
I have contacts.
An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all walk into a pub with their wives.
They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says “could you pass the honey, honey?” The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says “could you pass the sugar, sugar?” The Irish man – not wanting to be out witted by the other two men – looks over at his wife and says “Could you pass me the milk ye fucking cow?”
On their honeymoon, the new husband told his bride: “I have a confession to make that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship.”
“What is it?” his new bride asked lovingly. “I’m a golf fanatic,” he said. “I think about golf constantly. I’ll be out on the golf course every weekend, every holiday, and every chance I get. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf, golf will always win.” His new bride pondered this for a moment and said: “I thank you for your honesty. Now in the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I’ve concealed something about my own past that you should know about. The truth is, I’m a hooker.” “No problem,” said her husband. “Just widen your stance a little, and overlap your grip, and that should clear it right up.”
I was just attacked by a man with a rack of spices!
It was a salt and peppery.
Communism was bound to fail.
There were a lot of red flags.