A bear and a tiger seeking revenge.
The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
You just can’t have anyone cashew.
…there's never any money in there.
I planted myself on my couch at the beginning of March and I've grown significantly since.
So an honest lawyer, a hard working politician and Santa are walking and they find a 100€ note on the ground. Who is going to pick it up? Santa because the first two don't exist.
"With this, I will make America grate again."
It scares the shit out of the dog.
Asking for a friend.
It's pasture bedtime
Authorities have been working tirelessly to catch him.
"Which is?" he asked. "Exactly."
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
That spoke volumes.
It sort of rolls off the tongue
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
They each got six months.
It says that anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage.
I'm still working on it.
gAmiNg iS tHe nEw smOKiNg
Noble gasses don't cause a reaction
…and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten." Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine." The scientists then removed both halves of the man's brain, and asked him again to count to ten. The man said, "look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one-believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you – let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"
His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his best friend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.
A ban from the petting zoo.
"Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
It was motherfucking gold.
My wife came home from the doctors today and was looking all pleased with herself, so I asked her why she was so happy. She said, “The doctor said that for a 45 year old woman, I’ve got the breasts of an 18 year old.” I snickered, “Oh yeah and what did he say about your 45 year old ass?”
She laughed, “Your name never came up in conversation.”
They both lose efficiency as soon as you open windows.
Ahhh, it takes me back.