Oops!
Which President is the least guilty?
Lincoln. He’s in a cent
What do you call a participation trophy in astronomy?
A constellation prize.
I didn’t lose my virginity til I was 23…
other than that, prison wasn’t too bad.
My girlfriend tried to take a selfie in the shower, but it was too blurry.
She has selfie steam issues.
A newbee hunter asked a experienced old hunter how to hunt bears
The old man answered:" It is easy, my son. I've hunted hundreds of bears in my life. You just need to grab your gun and take a ride to some mountains nearby. Firsrt, find a cave or stone cavern that might shelter a bear. Second, make some 'Woo! Woo!' sound so that the bear inside would mistake it as a signal of its companion. It would also produce that same sound as a feedback. After it comes out, you just pull the trigger. Easy? " The newbee nodded and exited without coming back for months. After a long time, the old hunter saw that newbee on a street and found him crippled, with an ear lost and an eye blind. He asked him what happened. The newbee says:" I did as what you told me before. But god damn it, when something inside that cavern answered my 'Woo! Woo!', I didn't expect a train would come out and hit me!" PS: I saw this one days ago and translated it from Chinese to English. Might be some grammar errors.
Be careful if you decide to breed rabbits
I've heard that it's a real hare raising experience
My wife says that i dont give her enough privacy
At least that's what she said in her diary.
A girl saw her boyfriend flirting with other girls at the gym
She walked up to him and said this isn’t working out.
I always knock on the fridge before I open it
Just in case there’s a salad dressing
My Wife and I were watching Disney+ and it started to lag.
My Wife: Is it frozen? Me: No, it’s Wreck It Ralph. She’s 19 weeks pregnant, I can feel the dad joke wit rising!
My friend told me a very bad joke about gravity.
I still fell for it.
Is the world ready for ejaculating clocks?
I guess we'll know when the time comes.
I asked my Dad: “Did you ever get shot in the army?”
He said: “No, I got shot in the leggy.”
Incorrectly is always spelt incorrectly,
unless it's spelt incorrectly.
When do you go at red and stop at green?
When you’re eating a watermelon.
Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?
Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.
While most puns make me feel numb,
mathematics puns make me feel number.
My wife asked me “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating ?”
So I took her to dinner, then a movie and dropped her off at her parents' house
Man: I would like to return a defective boomerang.
Shop owner: Sure. Where is it? Man: I have no idea.
A mime in our town was arrested yesterday after he got into a bar fight and broke his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.
Why do keyboard never sleep?
It's because they have two Shifts.
I can’t go out to buy drapes for my windows…
These are uncurtain times
I was enjoying a sandwich on a cliff, but it fell from my hands.
I thought to myself… “This sub has gone downhill”.
What do you call a $1000 door?
A grand entrance
Smaller babies are always delivered by stork…
…but the heavier ones need to be delivered by crane…
Why did the C++ programmer do so well at his new job as a packaging and design engineer?
Because he was very good at orienting objects. (Okay this is a really technical dad joke, but isn't that what they're supposed to be?)
When people complain about php’s security, i need this picture to explain the scenario
https://ift.tt/2p6ZLtd
Making fun of kids watching TV while there’s an adult watching TV right there.
https://ift.tt/393HrmE
Did you know if you took all the human blood vessels and layed them out end to end
You would go to prison and they would make a documentary about you. You sick fuck
My blind friend made me a nice greeting card in Braille.
It was touching.
I crafted a tiny cover for my pet bird’s chair.
It's a crow chez crochet.
“What do you wish to do in the future?” asks the teacher.
Pete: "I want to be a pilot" Tommy: "I want to be a doctor" Margaret: "I want to be a good mother" Frank: "I want to help Margaret"
I once knew an arrogant sponge.
he was very self absorbed.
I’m very generous when it comes to giving to charity.
I always say, "No, thank you. I'm not interested. But thank you for considering me, good day."
“One man’s trash is another man’s treasure”..
..is a shitty way to tell a kid they're adopted
Why do pirates love Reddit?
It's the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.
Juan Vega, the clam diver, found an injured sea otter and nursed it back to health. From the moment the grateful otter was able to walk, it never left Juan’s side. It even learned to dig for clams.
One day, a man went to Juan's house looking to hire him for a week. His wife answered the door. "Sure…" his wife said. "It will cost you $500." "That much?" "But you're getting my husband and his otter. They bring up more clams than anyone else in town." "I just want Juan. I'll hire him alone for $350." the man countered. "Sorry…" she shrugged. "You can't have Juan without the otter."