Oops
Wife got her test results back. We thought she had Tourette’s syndrome. Tests were negative.
Turns out I am a cunt & she does want me to fuck off
Right enough of these “2020 vision” jokes
I don’t want to make a spectacle of myself
How to you send an apology by telegraph?
By using remorse code.
My daughter has started asking me questions about the human body
I thought I locked the basement I don't know how she keeps getting down there
I asked, “Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
He replied, “No sun.”
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
"Do you smell carrots?"
If 6ix9ine serves his 47 years…
he’ll be the first mumble rapper to finish a sentence
Kermit The Frog and Henry The Eighth…
…have the same middle name
Did you hear about the lumberjack who got a promotion?
Now he's a branch manager.
Why did I get a tattoo of a calculator?
So you can always count on me.
Yo mamma’s so ugly…
Yo daddy takes her to work with him every day so he doesn’t have to kiss her goodbye.
Why do native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and settles on their land.
cats 😀 scat 😔
cats 😀 scat 😔
Who was the first plagiarist?
Moses. He could control sea.
My hot as hell lesbian neigbors asked me to be to sleep with them so they could have a baby. We’ve been trying for three years now.
I haven't got the heart to tell them I got a vasectomy five years ago.
When I first saw an universal remote control…
I thought to myself: "Well… This changes everything"
What is blue and doesn’t weigh much?
Light blue.
What does 6.9 mean?
Just another good thing ruined by period.
My sister bet me £15 that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti
You should of seen the look on her face as i drove pasta
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and said, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
What’s more Irish than potatoes?
No potatoes.
What do houses wear?
Address
I used to smoke weed and go to the class…
Sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse. Slink down low at my desk. Pray to God nobody asked me any questions. I was the best teacher ever.
Jack and the blonde
Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair… Here's your money." Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump." The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
You think all these puns on r/dadjokes are bad?
Wait until you sea mine
My teacher asked me how I view lesbian relationships…
Apparently 1080p Full Screen HD wasn't the right answer.
Why don’t some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't workout.
How do you measure the heaviness of a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
What do you name a smart pig?
Cunningham
My son: Dad, what’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done in your life?
Me: I poured some concrete once. Son: Was that really hard? Me: It is now. (This took place at lunch earlier today. Was followed by groans all around.)