Good thing I opened the garage door first.
My wife just called me and said, “Three of the girls in my office just got some flowers for the holidays. They’re absolutely gorgeous!”
I replied, "That's probably why they got flowers then…"
All white, all white, all white.
So now I have a lifetime ban from Disneyland
When you get fired, you still have to show up the next day.
Its like he's never seen a penis before.
An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Teacher: Well yes , but actually no
It is because she has so many fans.
Tell a woman she’s fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.
It's a crow chez crochet.
They'll get over it.
"Which is?" he asked. "Exactly."
Do you know why redwood is the favorite tree species of every dog? It has the thickest bark.
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things: The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. The bouncer is a blonde girl. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?' The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'Nah I don't think it'll be funny if I'll have to explain it five times'.
Because he doesn’t want to be spotted
Thanks for nothing
A guy who's too drunk to follow orders.
Because he is a small arms dealer
He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake. "Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said. So the father visited a ton of different bakeries and did research, but found the prices to be too high. My daughter is inviting all of her friends, and I'll look bad if I don't put together a good cake, he thought. Then, he stumbled upon a shop that opened once a year to provide free cake to its customers. How quaint, the father thought, but desperate, he walked inside to see if they could provide a cake for his daughter's birthday. He was met by a Buddhist monk chanting and lighting incense. "Hello," the father asked, "I would like to buy a cake." "Of course," the monk replied, "just draw a picture of the cake you would like on the notepad on the desk." The father thought this to be weird, but wanting to save as much money as possible, he gave him the address and told him to come in the backdoor, just in case the cake was bad. The day of the party arrived and the monk visited the house with the most extravagant cake the family had ever seen. All of the guests were in awe, and whispered to each other about how much the cake could have costed. The monk became the guest of honor and at the end of the party, the father approached the monk and asked, "Why do you do this for free? You should take money for your services!" The monk smiled and said, "I do this for free because a cake day is the best way to earn karma."
It's impossible to put down.
I decided to give it a shot.
Me: That's because they're on the wrong feet. Son: But they're the only feet I have.
My father was ill and the doctor said he had only one day left to live. I was truly sad and was walking outside when I saw a wishing well. Taking my chances I threw in a quarter and wished his life would be extended. A r/jokes mod genie appeared out of the well and said " I hear your wish my son, and for everyday there is a new, fresh joke posted on r/jokes, your father will be granted another full week of life." His funeral is this Saturday.
He tried to walk on ice before it was cool
Wife: I can't believe they're still together after all that shit. Me: Who? Wife: My butt cheeks.
I Noah guy.
But none of them seem to work
But it didnt ring a bell
I went to the doctor because I was having hearing problems. “Can you describe the symptoms ?”, he asked.
I said "Homer's a fat guy and Marge has blue hair"