"Nice bewbs! Now where do you want me to hang the blind?"
It was just a pigment of my imagination.
Because it has 2 shifts.
Knock, knock. Who's there? Control freak. Control fr- Okay, now you say "Control freak who?"
The look on their face when you're nailing them.
My daughter was meeting Daisy Duck at Disney world this morning and Daisy was signing her autograph book. I mentioned to the Disney cast member who was taking the photos that I didn't know that Daisy was left handed. The cast member said "Maybe she's ambidextrous" to which I replied "I think you mean ambiDUCKstrous".
A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present!” The cop growls, “You are the lawyer!”
The lawyer shrieks, "Exactly! So where’s my present?!"
Well, at least I think they're vegans. They keep shouting : "Lettuce Leaf!"
I can’t believe that even after 15 years of the show ending, people are still making “Friends” references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
1) 2) 3)
I only have my shelf to blame.
A little boy came running up to me and pleaded, “Please help! My daddy is in a fight!” I followed him and came across two men fighting, so I asked him, “Which one’s your dad?!”
He shouted, "I don't know! That's what they're fighting about!"
“Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?” “Rhino!”
"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn."
When we got home, he had a chocolate bar in his pocket. Now, I didn't buy it and he certainly didn't buy it, so I marched him straight back to the shopping centre and went to the jewellers.
It causes the microphones to rust.
Shit, wrong thread.
Everyone went down on her
…is the delivery.
But this ones on the house
Therapist: That's the spirit! Me: Oh fuck where
Three dads are stranded on a boat drifting in the middle of the ocean. They begin to accept the inevitable and they all agree to smoke one last cigarette together before succumbing to starvation and dehydration. They open up the last pack of cigarettes to find the final four cigarettes. As they hold the cigarettes in their mouth, they quickly realize they have no way to light them. Each of them sit in silence puzzling over the situation they find themselves in. Finally one dad exclaims he has a solution, he takes the last cigarette out of the pack and toss it overboard. He then says to the other two dads “Now the whole boat is a cigarette lighter!”.
A woman got on a bus, holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers." "You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
She wanted the Task Manager.
But then i turned myself around.
Oh wait nvm, she's back. Just went to go to the bathroom.
I said, “Don’t worry. We are all in the same boat.”
"Whom, sweetheart?" "Mike the mailman." "Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!" "But mom, age is just a number." "Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."
It had a reptile dysfunction.
I learned next to nothing.
It was a third degree burn.