OP said i could post his image here
Dad does dementia run in the family?
"I don't remember." (Offical dad joke from my dad)
A man walks into a bar
So a guy walks into a bar one day and he canāt believe his eyes. There, in the corner, thereās this one-foot-tall man, in a little tuxedo, playing a tiny grand piano. So the guy asks the bartender, āWhereād he come from?ā And the bartenderās, like, āThereās a genie in the menās room who grants wishes.ā So the guy runs into the menās room and, sure enough, thereās this genie. And the genieās, like, āYour wish is my command.ā So the guyās, like, āO.K., I wish for world peace.ā And thereās this big cloud of smokeāand then the room fills up with geese. So the guy walks out of the menās room and heās, like, āHey, bartender, I think your genie might be hard of hearing.ā And the bartenderās, like, āNo kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?ā Edit: So apparently there was a joke like this a month ago and I didn't notice, this wasn't a repost.
My teacher never farts in public.
Sheās a private tutor.
Jesusā brother, James: Boss, my brother just died. I need the day off.
Boss: No problem. (3 days later) James: Boss, my brother is in town. I need the day off. Boss: Wait a second…
Will glass coffins become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Even robots need a vacation from time-to-time
When I was a young man in in Army Cadets, we had big ornamental robot that we called āold-iron-sidesā with a big brass bugle that would play all the calls to the troops. In the morning it would play āreveilleā to wake, āmess callā for meals, ādrill callā to assemble in the square, etc. We all got so used to these queues that we relied to them to know what to do at each time of the day. Until one day iron robot was silent and everyone was disoriented, not knowing when to get up, go eat or start a drill. Finally, I went to ask my commanding officer why there were no calls. He said āHeās taking a vacation dayā. So I guess it was the Ferrous Bugler's day off.
When my grandfather died, we scattered his remains in the sea.
People at the beach started freaking out though, because we didnāt cremate him.
I was in the park today when a woman came up to me and said, āAre you taking photos of my daughter on your iPhone?ā
āYes Iām taking photos of her,ā I replied, āBut itās not what you think.ā āSo what is it then?ā she asked. I said, āIts a OnePlus.ā
| don’t understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals.
It's pointless. But, anyway. You gotta draw the line somewhere, or else people will think you're being irrational. But that is beside the point.
A girl and guy are laying in bed after sex
She turns to him and says, "Babe I need to tell you something, I used to be a Christian." He said: "That doesn't bother me any!" She responded: "That's a relief, I much prefer being a Christine."
I turned left, turned right, went straight ahead and went back
None of those roads led to Rome. They led me to Arkansas. One of the roads left to the edge of a cliff. Unfortunately, I stopped driving.
I’ve been accused of stealing other people’s jokes
This post says otherwise
How do you learn how to talk to a lady?
Ask your mother
I just love how the earth rotates
It makes my day
Ultrasonic mist maker cured my asthma too. Rife, Lakhovsky
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S3h9SE8KeYo&t=727s
Whatās the difference between Spanish and Dad Jokes?
In Spanish, you roll your Rās and in Dad Jokes you roll your Eyes
A student visits the principalās office one day and the principal says to him, āWhatās your name, son?ā He replies: āD-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.ā The principal looks up and asks him, āOh, do you have a stutter?ā
The student replies, āNo sir, my dad has a stutter and the guy who registered my name was an asshole.ā
Why are there no Walmarts in Afghanistan?
Because they're all Targets.
Dont you hate it when people get ahead of themselves?
Editļ¼Wow thanks for the gold kind stranger!
I asked my son, “Hey, guess what!?” Hesitatingly, he said, “What?”
I yelled, "Good guess!"
So I was driving uber tonight and I picked up a girl from the dorms at a college. She sat in the front and we were chatting when suddenly she sneezed
Now. I didn't realize it while talking, but she had a glass eye, and when she sneezed her glass eye came flying out at me. I caught it, handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you. I didn't know what else to say… So, we rode in silence for the rest of the trip until we got to the pub. When we arrived at the bar, she turned and asked if she could have my number. I was flattered because she was so pretty, but I told her I was happily engaged. She smiled at me and said, "That's a shame, you really caught my eye."
Š”Š°ŃŠ°ŃŠø ŠæŠ°ŃŠŗ Š»ŃŠ²Š¾Š² Š¢Š°Š¹Š³Š°Š½
https://ift.tt/33T3qd9
Out here in Virginia protecting my potatoes just like President Trump said š„š„š„
https://ift.tt/2XkWCUf
What’s big, gray, and makes you jump?
The elephant of surprise.
I told my boss I was coming in to work dressed as my dad for Halloween.
I didnāt show up.
How do you tell the difference between someone from Dubai and someone from Abu Dhabi?
People from Dubai don't like the Flintstones. People from Abu Dhabi do.
My son Luke loves that we named our children after Star Wars characters.
Our daughter Chewbacca, not so much.
My wife and I decided to curb our smoking habit a bit by only smoking after sex.
I havnt touched a cigarette in 10 years and shes up to 2 packs a day. RIP Rodney.
A cop sees a car driving slowly and wiggly, changing lanes for no reason and so on
He pulls the car over, a man and a woman sit in it. Cop: "I had to pull you over, you can't drive like that!" Man: "I'm sorry, I've drank a little bit to much…" Cop: "That's not an excuse to let your wife drive!"
Dad: Did I make myself clear?
Son: No, we can all still see you.