Open for business
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in france?
There was nothing but de brie.
Why does society seem to hate lazy people?
They didn't even do anything.
I want to tell you about a girl who only ate plants…
You've probably never heard of herbivore.
My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn’t get an erection.
I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.
Guy at the bar is so wasted that he throws up on his shirt…
He looks down and says "Man, my wife is gonna be so pissed I puked on myself again" Guy next to him says "Do what I do, I put 10 dollars in my pocket and when my wife sees me, I tell her some asshole at the bar puked on my and gave me the 10 dollars to have it cleaned" The drunk guy thinks this is an awesome solution and proceeds to get home. His wife is waiting for him and starts yelling at him "You got drunk and puked on your shirt again, didn't you?" The guy says "No, what happened is that I was at the bar and this guy puked on me, but he put 10 dollars in my shirt pocket so I can have it cleaned" Wife reaches into his shirt pocket and pulls out 2 $10 dollar bills and says "This is not 10 dollars, this is 20!" Guy says "Oh yeah, he shit in my pants too"
![You need a crown [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/staw3yuj30k41-400x400.jpg)
I had a crush on my science lab partner, then she left the school
I lost My Chemical Romance
My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience.
The second time let me down.
So a vowel saves another vowel’s life.
The other vowel says, “Aye E! I owe you!”
![[NSFW]. I hope she gets a clue](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/m8bvpjxqngc31-400x711.jpg)
My husband asked why I never blink during sex.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
A pirate walks into bar and sits…
A pirate walks into bar and sits down. The bartender notices that he has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over one eye. The pirate orders a beer, and while he's pouring it the bartender asks "So what's the story with the leg?" "Well it were many a year ago," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard, and a shark swum up and bit me leg clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a peg leg that very night." "That's terrible," says the bartender. "What about the hand?" "Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard again, and a whale came up and bit me hand clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a hook that very night." "Wow," says the bartender. "So what about the eye?" "Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship, and I were lookin out fer rogue waves, and a seagull flew over and shit right in me eye!" "Oh man," says the bartender. "And that blinded you?" "Well no," says the pirate. "But it were me first day with the hook."
What do you call a tired skeleton?
The Grim Sleeper
Moonlighting at stand-up comedy…
…the baker was known for his rye humor…
A woman got hit in the head by a horse.
Don’t worry, she’s in stable condition.
[First date] Her: So, what do you do? … Him: I’m working to eliminate all cancers.
Her: Wow! That’s impressive! Him: Thanks. Next up, Capricorns.
They say sex sells…
Probably because you can’t spell advertisements without semen between the tits.
I have a weird fetish for figuring things out.
I just came to this realization.
Apparently someone in my town has been stealing the wheels off police cars
They’ve been working tirelessly to find him
I watched Bohemian Rhapsody three times in a row, and now I feel a little sick.
Must be the high Mercury content.
What are Mexicans built of?
Amigo acids
A man dies and goes to hell.
Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one. At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russian Hell and many more. They are all similarly gruesome. However, at Nigerian Hell a long line of people is waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?" He is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Nigerian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." "But that's the same as the others," says the man. "Why are so many people waiting to get in?" "Because of the power cuts, the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable. And the Nigerian devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business.
What did the burglar say when he detonated a bomb to get into Fort Knox?
Edit: Wow, this blew up. Thanks for the gold!
If you clean a vacuum cleaner
You become a vacuum cleaner
My girlfriend asked me when I last had sex with someone that wasn’t her…
“Back in 02” I said, Sounds much better than February.
Apparently there’s a beef shortage on the rise.
Good news is fast food restaurants shouldn’t be affected.
