Open Source development be like...

Why did the beaver suddenly quit work?

Because he hated his dam job.

Puns make me jolt in laughter!

Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England…

… guess you could say he sleighed it

Trump is a weak man’s idea of a strong man.

https://ift.tt/2TMMLWg

Why did God create Adam before Eve?

He didn’t want any advice on how to do it

If you’re going shopping on Black Friday, please be considerate…

By turning your phone horizontal before recording any fights. That's all!

I won a carnival goldfish once…

It had an irrational fear of ping pong balls.

No matter how popular they get

antibiotics will never go viral.

eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.

No text found

I’ve just bought the personalized number plate BAA BAA…

For my black jeep…

A police officer just pulled me over. The officer came up to my window and said “papers?”

I yelled “scissors, I win!” and drove off. He’s been chasing me for 45 minutes now… I'm pretty sure he wants a rematch.

What jokes are allowed during quarantine?

inside jokes 😀

You must wash yourself in the blood

https://ift.tt/2N6P44Z

Murphy calls to see his mate, Paddy, who is bedridden with a broken leg.

Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?" "No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunningly beautiful 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds. "Hello there girls, your dad sent me up here to fuck ya both." "Fuck off you liar!" "I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?" "Of course, what's the use of fucking one?"

That’s wrong boy;

https://ift.tt/2PI8VXs

What does the sniper say to his gf after a breakup?

I won't miss you.

For all my quarantined buddies

https://ift.tt/2xOQbzD

What do you call a good swimming pun?

A stroke of genius

Donald Trump meets the Queen…

Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?" "Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Trump frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?" The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Theresa May in here, would you?" Theresa May walks into the room. "Yes, your majesty?" The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Theresa. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, Theresa answers, "That would be me." "Yes! Very good," says the Queen. Back at the White House, Trump asks to speak with Vice President Mike Pence. "Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," says the Vice President. "Let me get back to you on that one." Mike Pence goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes General McMasters' shoes in the next stall. Mike shouts, "General! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and your father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it? General McMaster yells back, "That's easy. It's me!" Mike Pence smiles. "Thanks!" and goes back to the Oval Office to speak with Trump. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's General McMaster." Trump gets up, stomps over to Mike Pence, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Theresa May!"

Here’s your wakeup call

https://ift.tt/2qfBqCm

If only he lived in this age

PIZZA GUY: Your total is $26.34

ME: I can’t afford that PIZZA GUY: Well you’ll have to pay some other way. ME: [takes out wallet] Wait I forgot I had 30 dollars. PORN DIRECTOR: Cut! The fuck are you doing?

Dead Inside

Wife dumb, Husband smart

https://ift.tt/2sit1if

I just read a joke about Oedipus and Midas

It was motherfucking gold

Trump & McConnell are treasonous traitors

https://ift.tt/39Cv1BO

If I see one more skyrim meme, im gonna cry

thought this was kinda cute

https://ift.tt/2QuNgBN

“But muh freedum!”

https://ift.tt/3dLfv9u

I am cRyInG

Getting my toy drone stuck in a tree isn’t my least favorite thing.

But it’s definitely up there.

a meme i made

https://ift.tt/3gbMW79

Another great specimen from r/dankmemes

Did you hear about the soldier who drank on the job?

He got tanked

John decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John’s minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry." John said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of golf. But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend. He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, "Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?" "Yes, I do." said Keith. "Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Well, um, yes!" Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?" Keith's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?" "Well, she just died and left me everything."