Open your eyes, folks.
And I think I strained my voice.
To stop his coffin.
But so far I’ve made 3 jugs and a vase and they are lovely.
Just how low can some people go?
Also why is water so fuckin scary?
Now I have stable wifi
You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta.
When it's apparent
That’s how I roll.
…but the cashier always keeps putting it back!
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. “It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. My brothers haven’t been affected tho."
The man answers: "Wow, how did you know?" Cashier: "Because you're ugly."
if you're the best man at your buddy's second wedding.
An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, “I’ve let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?”
The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."
They come with an Elon Musk.
Then two of my friends would have a dollar and two of their friends EACH would have have two dollars AT LEAST. And the guy above me? He’s got tons of dollars.
I can never get a straight answer
The genie asked, “What’s your first wish?” Peter answered, “I wish I was rich.” And the genie said, “What’s your second wish, Rich.”
I asked if they were just like the ones grammar used to make.
“Oh is she an alcoholic?” – “No, I am, but she’s the one who suffers.”
Me: I want to name our son James. Wife: Why? Me: No reason. 9 months later Wife: My water broke Me: Let the James begin
A buck an ear.
“I don’t know, but I’m sure it was some barberian.”
Because they cant keep a straight face
… on the other hand, I'm okay.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
How many grams of creamer can I dissolve in a 60°c 330ml water?
It will be called "Do You Have The Skillet Takes"
Because they're calf price
Then it hit me
But it's hard to deliver
My daughter, Chewbacca, not so much