My doctor diagnosed me with severe lack of observation.
That came out of nowhere.
Waiter: I’m glad you enjoyed your dinner. How did you find the steak?
Me: Super easy. It was right next to the potatoes.
I dressed up as a gifted kid for Halloween.
When my neighbors asked what I was supposed to be, I sadly replied, "I was supposed to be a lot of things…"
A book just fell on my head
I have only my shelf to blame
A feminist told me about the “Dwayne Johnson Rule”
The rule, as she explained it, was that in order to determine if a particular comment was appropriate to say to a woman, first ask yourself, 'Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?' If not, don't say it. I thought this sounded like a good rule. So I told her: "I think the stubble suits you!"
I like my women how I like my computer.
On my lap. Turned on. Virus free.
Why should you never fight a dinosaur?
Because you’ll get jurasskicked.
We’ll We’ll We’ll…
…if it isn't autocorrect…
A human asks a mermaid why she wears seashells
Mermaid: I grew out of my B-shells
I finally finished my book about clocks
And if you ask me, it’s about time.
Why is “the mall” called “the mall?”
Because you don't just shop at one store, you shop at THEM-ALL
What’s the difference between a constipated owl & a blind sniper?
One hoots but can’t shit, and one shoots but can’t hit
And you wonder why you’re stuck in the ER for 8 hours
And you wonder why you’re stuck in the ER for 8 hours
My wife and I got in a big argument over how she wanted to give birth.
It was our first midwife crisis.
A voyeur goes to a restaurant…
The maitre d seats him at a table next to a table of four women, one particularly attractive. The waiter comes to his table and says “Welcome sir would you like to hear our specials?” “Uh, yes,” says the voyeur. “Today we our soup du jour is a white gazpacho with avacodo, chilled almonds, and olive oil. We have an appetizer special of artichokes casino tender artichoke hearts baked with jumbo lump crab meat. Lastly our entree specials are pan roasted moscovy duck breast with a rhubarb relish, vanilla balsamic vinegar reduction and roasted potatoes, and filet mignon au poivre, which pan seared with cracked peppercorns in a cognac cream served with roasted potatoes.” Distracted by the table next to him the voyeur responds “Yeah, I’ll have that.” “Which entree sir?” asks the nonplussed waiter The voyeur replies, “Umm…, the steak.” “How would you like your steak?” The voyeur is staring at the other table. The waiter gruffed “Sir?!” “Oh, uh, rare.” Waiter replies “It comes with salad, what dressing would you like?” spoken in a sort of stern tone.” Voyeur is staring at the other table again, startled by the waiter drops his silverware. Waiter: “Would you like Caesar dressing?” Voyeur awkwardly picking up his fork says and looks at the waiter confused. “See her dressing? Why yes that sounds lovely.”
A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides.
The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army. The kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it's a valuable resource to have. The first kingdom sends 100 of its finest knights, clad in the best armour and each with their own personal squire. The second kingdom sends 50 knights, with fine leather armour and a few dozen squires of their own. The third kingdom sends their one and only knight, an elderly warrior who has long since passed his prime, with his own personal squire. The night before the big battle, the knights in the first kingdom drink and party into the late hours of the night. The knights in the second kingdom aren't as well off, but have their own supply of grog and drink well into the night. In the third camp, the faithful squire gets a rope and swings it over the branch of a tall tree, making a noose, and hangs a pot from it. He fills the pot with stew and has a humble dinner with the old knight. The next morning, the knights in the first two kingdoms are hungover and unable to fight, while the knight in the third kingdom is old weary, unable to get up. In place of the knights, the squires from all three kingdoms go and fight. The battle lasts long into the night but by the time the dust settled, only one squire was left standing – the squire from the third kingdom. And it just goes to show you that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
My son told me that he’s afraid of the 25th letter of the alphabet
I asked him why but he just kept screaming
Justice is a dish best served cold
If it were served warm it would be JustWater
I was so angry when the door knob broke off my front door.
I couldn’t handle it.
My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing.
We went out, had a few drinks. Nice guy, wants to be a web designer.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're so damn good at it.
I’ve just got back from Schizophrenics Anonymous.
I can't wait to tell myself all about it.
What do you call someone who takes care of chickens?
A chicken tender
I wasn’t going to get a brain transplant….
But then I changed my mind!
A priest and rabbi were skinny dipping in a lake when a group of people arrived.
Some belonged to the priest’s congregation and the others belonged to the rabbi’s. The priest and rabbi left their clothes on the other side of the lake and didn't have time to retrieve them, so they got out of the lake hoping to make a run for it. The priest, running with his hands covering his genitals, looks over at the rabbi who was running with his hands covering his face. “Rabbi! What are you doing?” he asked. The rabbi replied, “In my community, they recognize me by my face!”
I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.
Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.
There’s an easy trick you can use to calculate your IQ
It's 150 minus the number of toilet rolls you have at home
Ok this is a groaner, so I expect down votes…
One night, a man is making his way home from the local. He's had a fair bit to drink, when he hears this thumping noise behind him. Not wanting to get involved in whatever it is, he puts his head down and keeps walking. Minutes later he hears the noise again, behind him and getting louder. ‘Thump Thump Thump’ He turns round, and to his horror, he sees a coffin on the street moving towards him. ‘Thump Thump’ Thinking he's had FAR too much to drink he keeps walking. ‘Thump Thump Thump’ Now it's gaining on him, so he decides to run for it. He gets to his door panicking trying to get the key in the lock as the coffin is coming, eventually he gets the door open closes & bolts it behind him and collapses on the sofa. A few seconds later, and CRASH The coffin has burst it's way through the front door knocking it off it’s hinges. Terrified he dodges round the coffin runs up the stairs, thinking there's no way the coffin can follow him there. Then he hears ‘Thump Thump Thump Thump’ The coffin is slowly hopping up the stairs, relentless in it's pursuit. The man runs into the bathroom and locks the door behind him. Next thing he hears is CRASH The coffin comes through the door knocking it off it’s hinges and it slowly moves towards him, the coffin lid now creaking open and shut as it approaches. In desperation the man grabs the first thing he sees which is a can of Gillette shaving foam and throws it at the coffin, the coffin keeps coming. Then he grabs a bar of Imperial Leather Soap throws that too, The coffin keeps coming. Finally, just before it reaches him, he grabs a bottle of Venos cough medicine and throws it at the coffin & The coffin stopped.
Milk production at a dairy farm was low, so the farmer wrote to the local university, asking for help from academia.
A multidisciplinary team of professors was assembled, headed by a theoretical physicist, and two weeks of intensive on-site investigation took place. The scholars then returned to the university, notebooks crammed with data, where the task of writing the report was left to the team leader. Shortly thereafter the physicist returned to the farm, saying to the farmer, "I have the solution, but it works only in the case of spherical cows in a vacuum".
My neighbor owes me $500 but won’t pay.
Lawyer: Do you have proof? Me: No L: Send him a bill for the $5000 he owes you. M: But it's only $500. L: Exactly, he will respond saying just that. And you will have proof.
Why are Canadians always over qualified for jobs in the US?
Because zero degrees in Canada is the same as 32 in the States.
The car dealership in my town just doubled its size.
It can offer a whole lot more.
Pope gets a lesson
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David. Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross. The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David. Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says: "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite!" The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said: "Moishe, would you look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"
I just finished reading “Twenty Thousand Leagues under the Sea.”
The entire novel was a sub-plot.
Finland has just closed its borders
There’s no way we can cross the Finnish line now.
Kid: what does a condom do?
Dad: nothing, apparently.