Ordered a Stud Finder on Amazon and forgot to give them a shipping address.
Still made it to my door.
You’re a unit of power harry
I'm a WATT?? Sorry stole it from a pornhub comment made me laugh
One time I bought shoes from a drug dealer..
I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
I asked a librarian if she had a book about Turtles.
She said hardback? I said yeah with a little head.
What do raspberries do when they play instruments?
They have jam sessions!
“OMG, what’s going on? I can see through you.”
"My son told me he is transgender." "So?" "That makes me transparent."
What’s the difference between the Queen of England and computer cable?
One's a British WASP, the other is a USB.
“Hello I’d like to register for mime classes”
"Ah, say no more"
Three women are sitting at a bar arguing over who has the biggest vagina.
The first girl says, ‘My boyfriend can fit a whole fist up there.’ The second girl says, ‘Ha, my boyfriend can fit two fists and a foot.’ The third girl just smiles as she slides down the bar stool.
TeamTrees reached their goal of 20,000,000 trees planted on the same day Trump got impeached.
Now millions of people can breathe easier.
Which side of a cheetah has the most spots?
The outside!
My brother didn’t like jail
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him and smeared the walls with his own faeces. After that, we never played Monopoly again.
Know why the shoe was drunk?
Too much socky.
NSFW Girl to her friend: Do you know how many calories there are in a load of cum?
Friend: Sweetie, if you're swallowing enough to worry about it, no one will care if you're a little chubby.
My Lesbian neighbours Eva and Julia asked me to help them conceive a child recently
They said they wouldn't mind if we did it the old fashioned way as they weren't man haters! For six months now we've been trying but I just don't have the heart to tell them I had a vasectomy last year.
What’s the difference between fine wine and fine women?
Fine wine doesn’t try and escape from my cellar.
Does my wife think I’m a control freak?
I haven’t decided yet…
At work, my colleagues have given me the nickname “Mr. Compromise.”
It wasn’t my first choice, but I’m ok with it.
What else could he say??
A young couple decided to take their 5 year old son to see the circus. After several amazing acts, the ringmaster led six bull elephants into the center ring, linked trunk to tail in the usual manner. "What's that big thing hanging off the elephant, Mommy?" Little Johnny asked. "That's his trunk, honey," Mom replied. "No, that other thing," Johnny insisted. "Oh, you must be looking at his tail," Mom offered. "No, Mommy, that big thing underneath him, by his belly," Johnny said. Realizing her son was asking about the elephant's penis, Mom got embarassed. "Oh, that's nothing, sweetie. Daddy went to get some popcorn. When he comes back, he can tell you all about the elephants." Soon, Dad came back with popcorn, and Mom went to use the restroom. Johnny took the opportunity to question his father. "What's that big thing hanging off the elephant, Daddy?" "That's his trunk, son," Dad said. "No, Daddy, not his trunk, and not his tail. I mean that big thing underneath, by his belly," Johnny repeated. "Oh, that," Dad said. "That's his penis, Johnny." "Huh," mused the five year old. "Mommy said that was nothing." "Son," sighed Dad, "I've spoiled that woman."
When I was 18 I wanted to kill myself…
But I'm a procrastinator, so I picked up smoking.
I was going to study Nietzsche’s philosophy.
Then I just thought, it's meaningless.
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Yesterday I saw a police officer wearing a pilot’s uniform. I thought it was a bit odd…
Then I realized, he was one of those plane clothes cops…
What’s the difference between vegans and strippers?
Vegans rub it in your face for free.
Me telling my dad I’m bisexual:
Me: okay, so. I would identify as bisexual. Dad: and that means you would have a male partner Me: yep Dad: and a female partner. Me: yep Dad: and that means your bi Me: yep Dad: so that means if you don’t have a partner your on standbi. Me: Me: Me: Me: did you just
They all laughed when I told them that one day I would discover the secrets of invisibility.
If only they could see me now.
How does a meteorologist go up a mountain?
They climate.
Why was the cook late to Thanksgiving dinner?
He lost track of thyme…
Why are there two “d”s in reddit?
The second ones is a repost like this joke
A guy walks into a bar with a .44 magnum.
A guy walks into a bar with a .44 magnum, fuming with anger. He yells at the top of his lungs "WHO THE FUCK, FUCKED MY WIFE!" Everybody stops, there's a lingering silence for a few seconds, then a guy in the back of the bar yells back "you haven't got enough bullets buddy."
My friend David had his ID stolen.
Now he's just Dave.
Why was Ben 10 considered so powerful?
Because the previous kid was Ben Nine in comparison.
On their 50th anniversary, a woman asks her husband, “What did you think of me when you first met me?”
The husband replies, "I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry." The woman then asks, "What do think of me now?" The husband takes a good slow look, running his eyes up and down all over her body. Finally, he answers, "I think I did a pretty good job."
My girlfriend wants me to choose between her and my career as a reporter.
I have some breaking news for her.
I was walking back from the pub last night and found a homeless girl hidden amongst the bins.
She was filthy and smelled awful but I knew under all the grime there was a pretty girl. So I took her in and bathed her and as I towelled her down I became aroused. One thing led to another and next minute we were frantically fucking on the bathroom floor. At one point I was banging her so hard you'd have sworn she was still alive
Why do fish form schools, but ants form colonies?
Cause truants don't go to school! (I came up with this right now)
I dreamed I saw a color I never saw before
It was just a pigment of my imagination.
Dads are like boomerangs
I hope