What do you call a beehive without an exit?
Unbelievable
[NSFW] I told ya mom!
911, what's your emergency? "I'm masturbating too much" Sir, that's not really a problem. "One sec. DID YOU HEAR THAT MOM? NOW GET OFF MY CASE!
Jail is more than just a word…
… it's a sentence
I wonder if old houseflies tell the younger ones stories like:
"Back in my day, it was Monday".
Father: Son, I donated all your toys to the children’s home.
Son: Why did you do that? Father: So you will not be bored there.
My friend claims he can print a gun in using his 3D printer…
But I'm not impressed, I've had a canon printer for ages.
Kermit The Frog and Henry The Eighth…
…have the same middle name
My grandad always used to say “as one door closes, another opens”.
A lovely man. A terrible cabinet maker.
Three samurais compete with each other
Three samurais are sitting around a camp fire when suddenly, one boasts. "I am the world's best swordsman!" – he stands up, whips out his sword and cut a fly in half. The second samurai says,"No, I'm the best." and he sees a fly -his sword flashes twice- then the fly falls into 4 pieces. The third samurai, wanting to prove them both wrong says "Hold my sake.". He stands, slashes at a fly… and the fly continued flying. The first two samurais erupted into laughter – but the third explains "That poor fly, he can never have sex again!"
I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers…
Like you don't see med students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves unemployed.
My neighbor stole my dictionary
I have no words
Wife: Stop being an idiot. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Put a load in the dishwasher earlier
My wife prefers to call it intercourse
Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello
https://ift.tt/3dek1hh
President Trump was told about the new abortion bill.
Trump in a low whisper to his chief of staff: “I thought I paid that bill already.”
Her: It’s not working out between us. For starters, I’m sick of your terrible jokes.
Me: I understand. And for the main course?
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They’ll just shoot the room for being black
I went for a job interview the other day.
They asked, "Can you perform under pressure?" I said, "No, but I can perform Bohemian Rhapsody."
Justice is a dish best served cold
If it were served warm it would be justwater
Knock knock. Who’s there. Cash.
Cash who? No thanks, but I'll take a peanut! For allergic kids: No thanks, I'm allergic!
When I was young, my dad used to tear up the last page of all my comic books and never told me why.
I had to draw my own conclusions.
I once walked in on my teachers having sex
Being homeschooled was never easy for me
Dear posters of r/Jokes, could you try to be a bit more original?
My friends are really tired of hearing the same jokes over and over again.
A sheep, a drum and a snake fell down a cliff
Bah-dum tssssssss
Why doesn’t anybody in Antarctica have covid?
Because they are ice-o-lating
These guys are the symptom, not the disease (Actually they’re the disease also)
https://ift.tt/2SKn5cj
The inventor of the throat lozenge has died.
There will be no coffin at his funeral…
Two guys are changing in a locker room, one is putting on lace knickers
"Since when do you wear womens pants?" "Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"
The girlfriend and I just drove by a shoe in the road
GF: A shoe! Me: Bless you Was pretty proud of myself for a couple minutes.
classic
classic
How do you make holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?
The slow swimmer
I’ll never forget my dogs last words…
“You took too much acid.”
I called work this morning and whispered, “Sorry boss, I can’t come in today. I have a wee cough.” He exclaimed, “You have a wee cough!?”
I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"
I’m going to miss Stan Lee
He was a marvel
I just realized my wife left me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions.
Oh well, hindsight is 1.
God the engineer
Three engineers are having lunch and discussing what kind of engineer God is. The mechanical engineer says, "God must be a mechanical engineer, look at the complex network of levers that make the body move" The electrical engineer says, "No, look at the electrical processes of the body, which the brain could not operate without, he must be an electrical engineer." The civil engineer says, "You're both wrong, he must be a civil engineer. Who else would run a waste line through a recreational area?"
I just made sure my son inherits our bathroom scale after I die.
Because where there’s a will, there’s a weigh.