Original phylogeny meme
What does a goat put on after his pants?
His goatee
Why do polar bears only live at the north pole?
Because if they also lived at the south pole, they would be bipolar bears.
Our mailman got a sex change
so we call him the postman now.
Life is like a dick
Some times its up, sometimes its down, but it wont be hard forever. Too bad life is short.
What happens when someone steals uranium?
It becomes theiranium.
I finally got my dream job at the guillotine factory
I’ll beheading there shortly
BJ for Sore Throat
"You don't look so good today, Bambi," said Barbie. "You're right," said Bambi. "I feel like I'm coming down with something. My throat really hurts." Barbie suggested, "You know, whenever I have a sore throat I give my husband oral sex and the next day I feel great." Bambi carefully considered this. The next day Barbie noticed that Bambi looked better. "You look much better today. Did you take my suggestion?" Bambi replied, "I sure did. It worked great. And your husband just couldn't believe that it was your idea!"
I just got hired at a company that makes bicycle wheels!!
I’m the spokesperson
![[Legit] Secrets](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/09/mh7nt9o61bo11-400x262.jpg)
A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy
“What are you drinking?” he asks the guy. “Magic beer,” he says. “Oh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?” Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building, then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile. “Amazing!” the man says. “Lemme try some of that!” The man grabs the beer. He downs it, leaps off the roof —and plummets 15 stories to the ground. The bartender shakes his head. “You know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”
I was shocked when my doctor told me all my fingers were broken after my accident.
It was hard to grasp.
How many bones are in a human hand?
A handful
Have you heard of the man with 5 penises?
He’s been looking for a condom that fits like a glove.
I raised my left leg before the new year started…
…so I could start it off on the right foot. 🤮 Happy new year!
What we call a monster we can’t find?
Wherewolf.
I failed my driving test today. I was driving down a country road with the examiner, when a rabbit ran out right in front of the car.
I remembered my instructor said you should never swerve or try to avoid an animal, because it's dangerous and you can end up causing a more serious accident.You should always just hit it and keep on driving. Had to chase that little bugger for miles across the fields before I finally got it!
Recently I bumped into the guy that sold me an antique globe.
It’s a small world.
How can you get to one million karma in a day?
You can, but it has to be a cakewalk
Thank god Canada’s not the global super power
Or we'd all be sorry
I thought my Haitian friend was finally going to show me zombies…
but it was actually just 'some bees'
A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. “How much is that Barbie in the window?” he asks the shop assistant.
In a manner, she responds, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie for $395.00." The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others?" "That's obvious!" the assistant states. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture…"
Did you hear about the guy who accidentally drank varnish and died? He had a terrible end…
But a beautiful finish
Reverend, Have You Been Drinking?
Reverend: Just water officer. Police: Why do I smell wine? Reverend: Good lord he’s done it again
A woman was sitting at her dead husband’s funeral.
A man leans toward her and asks, "Do you mind if I say a word?" "No, go ahead," replies the woman. The man stands, clears his throat, and says, "Plethora," then sits back down. "Thanks," says the woman, "that means a lot."
Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro." "Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver. "Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official. "Quattro is just ze name of zefokken automobile" the German says unbelievingly. "Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons" "You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer. "Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking tha law." The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over. I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!" "Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno"
Wrong impressions
You know when you get the wrong impression of people? I thought this: “Man, he petty.” But he just did my nails.
