Orion’s Belt is a big waist of space.
Terrible joke. Only 3 stars.
Fire is destroying a world famous landmark in Paris right now.
And there’s notre dame thing they can do about it.
Why don’t Ant Eaters get sick?
Because they're full of anty bodies.
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s party.
Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party… As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian”. He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, “Son… what happened last night?” “Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.” Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??” His son replies, “Oh THAT… Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, “Leave me alone, I’m married!!”
Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most American in three weeks
After three weeks the Syrians meet again at McDonald's the first Syrian makes his case for him being more American by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to softball practise and my daughter to ballet. I just purchased my first car and it's Chevy El Camino. I've recently started listening to Toby Keith and Lynyrd Skynyrd and my favorite football team is the Dallas Cowboys. Beat that!" The other Syrian simply replies with: "Get out of my country you fucking towelhead"
A magician never tells his secrets.
Except on the black hat market.
I don’t mind breakfast in bed
…but I prefer it in a bowl.
To all my friends this holiday season, if you’re going to be drinking, please don’t drive.
The other night at a party, I got a little tipsy, so I left the car behind and took the bus home. It was great because along the way, while cars were being stopped for breathalyzers, the police just waved the bus right through and I was able to get home. In the end, I had no idea I could drive a bus, but I did a pretty good job
My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary…
Well the jokes on them – they’re imaginary too…
If you’ve spent ages figuring out how to keep herbs and spices on your belt loop…
…you've waisted thyme.
Five blondes walk into a bar
You'd think at least one of them would have seen it
Doctor: “Alright, it looks like we’re ready to deliver the baby.”
Me: “Actually, we’d like him to keep his liver.”
Girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But if I’m gonna have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
What’s up with the dark jokes subreddit?
I don't see anything funny there.
What did Delaware?
A new Jersey!
I told my wife, “I’m going to arrange the herbs in alphabetical order from now on.”
She said, “Where would you find the time?” I said, “That should be easy. Next to the sage.”
Did you hear about the guy in 1981 that got LSD and LDS mixed up?
Instead of going on a trip, he went on a mission.
A man walks into a suit shop…
[M] And asks to try on some of the suits. The salesman obliges and gives him some options. The customer, however, hates all the options and after an hour of trying them on, throws the suits down in disgust. “These are all terrible!” The customer cries. Exasperated, the salesman throws his hands in the air and says, “Fine, suit yourself!”
My boss fired me for making jokes about Asians again
It was the end of my Korea
Bro, can you pass me that pamphlet?
Brochure.
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…
I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me. I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."
I wondered where my boomerang was after i threw it
and then it hit me
Why does Norway have barcodes on their battleships?
So when they get back to port, they can Scandinavian.
If I had to rate our solar system
I'd give it 1 star
“Dad, what is a joke I can post on Reddit to get a lot of upvotes?”
“Hm, that’s a good question, son. I think I have an idea.” “Okay, dad. What is it?” “You should post a story about an old man tying balloons to his house to fly away and a Boy Scout joining him as they float down to South America.” “Why would I post that, dad?” “Because then when people like it, you’ll get a lot of Up votes.”
Cell Realignment machine allow the sick to live normal life
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sL73BOpg7G4