Otherwise
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Did you know that diarrhea is genetic?
It runs in your jeans
What do you call a bear covered in strawberries
To be honest even I dont know u choose
Why are students prohibited from playing Fortnite during school?
It would be really hard to tell where the gunshots are coming from
A mime was arrested in my town after getting into a bar fight and breaking his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.
My Science Teacher donβt know science
So my science teacher thinks that the nucleus is the power house of the cell. Not the mitochondria. Should we rebel?
NSFW. What’s the difference between a Budweiser and a clitoris?
A clitoris only tastes like piss for a second.
“Mom? Don’t freak out, but I’m in the hospital…”
"Jeremy, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."
Why is “o” the loudest vowel?
Because all the other vowels are in audible.
Johnny paid his way through college by waitering in a restaurant.
"What's the usual tip?" asked a customer. "Well," said Johnny, "this is my first day, but the other guys said that, if I got five dollars out of you, I'd be doing great." "Is that so?" growled the customer. "In that case, here's twenty dollars." "Thanks. I'll put it in my college fund," Johnny said. "By the way, what are you studying?" asked the customer. "Applied psychology." – Edit: This is not my joke
three times…
Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary when Sam says to Becky, βBecky, I was wondering if youβve ever cheated on me?β Becky replies, βOh, Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You donβt want to ask that question…β βYes, Becky, I really want to know. Please…β βWell, all right, three times…β βThree, hmmm. When were they?β βWell, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start that business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, one day the bank manager himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked…β βOh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So when was number two?β βWell, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you needed that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. Morris came all the way up here to do the surgery himself and then you were in good shape again…β βI canβt believe it, Becky, that you would do such a thing for me, to save my life… I couldnβt have a more wonderful wife… All right then, when was the third time?β βWell, Sam, remember a few years ago when you really wanted to be president of the fishing club and you were 97 votes short…β
What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?
A spelling bee.
Pirate :”I have moles on me back, arrrrrgh!”
The doctor takes a quick look and responds:"It's okay, they're benign." Pirate:"Arrrrgh! Count again, I think there be ten!"
When youβre showing someone your favorite movieβ¦
When youβre showing someone your favorite movieβ¦
Recently a man was cooled down to absolute zero
Don't worry, he's 0K
My son gets to play a frosted cinnamon biscuit in the school play!
It's a sweet role!
Putting air in your tires used to be free now its costs a dollar…
Its called inflation.
My girlfriend told me I was disgusting for licking the bowl after I finished.
I guess she's used to most people just flushing.
I went to a zoo that only had a dog in it.
It was a shih tzu
What do you call a blind dinosaur?
A do-you-think-he-saurus
Squirrels In Church
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer & consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there, & they should not interfere with God's divine will. At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week. The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide. But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrel's & made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter. Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.
The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, “What’s happening now?”
"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!" "So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear. "Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"
Did you hear the one about the dog that ran ten miles to retrieve a stick?
Sounded a little far-fetched to me
My astrology teacher asked me about my horoscope.
I said, "I'm not too fussy as long as it doesn't have ghosts in."
I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday.
Apparently you are not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.
A weekly newsletter of unhinged email chains sourced from thousands of real boomers
https://boomer.email
Please stop the hate on the lazy people
They didnβt do anything at all
A man has been drinking alone all day at a bar…
And checks his clock. "1:30am, fuck. I need to go home now or my wife's going to ripp my balls off" – Thinks to himself. But as he's trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor. "I'm just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up" So he asks the barman for a coffe, he drinks it up and 30 minutes later he tries to stand up, but again, falling to the floor, this time, even harder. At this point he realizes he needs to get home no matter what, so he starts crawling towards his house. After 40 minutes he gets there, lays down next to his (asleep) wife and passes out. The next morning his wife wakes him up and starts shouting at him: -So… how was last night, huh? Was it fun drinking all day? The man is 100% sure his wife was asleep when he got home so he tries to play it cool: -Not really, just hanging with some coworkers… we didn't drink much… just a couple of beers. The woman starts nodding sarcastically and responds: -The bar owner called this morning, your wheelchair's there, you dumbfuck.
My brother went to his AA meeting drunk, then he tripped down the stairs.
He's been having lots of trouble with the steps lately.
Peter is invited to dinner with his girlfriend’s family.
Before dinner, Peter goes into a Pharmacy says to the pharmacist "Hello, could you give me a Condom? I'm going to my girlfriend's place for dinner and I think I may have a shot". The Pharmacist gives him the condom. As he was exiting, he stepped back in to the Pharmacy and said βGive me another condom because my Girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She's always flirting with the way she crosses her legs and I might have a chance there too". The pharmacist gave him a second condom. As Peter was leaving, he turns back one more time and says "Give me one more condom. Her mum is still pretty cute and she always tries to get my attention with the way she sways her hips or licks her lips". The pharmacist gave him a third condom. During dinner, Peter sat down with his Girlfriend on his left, her sister on his right and her mum facing him. Once her father enters the room, Peter repectfully lowers his head and starts the dinner prayer "Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you've given given us". Ten minutes later, Peter is still praying "Thank you Lord for your kindness. ….". More time goes by and he's still praying, his head down close to the table. The rest of the family keep looking at each other surprised. His girlfriend eventually moves in close and whispers "I didn't know you were so religious?". Peter, with his head still on the table replies "I didn't know your father was a Pharmacist".
Whatβs heavier a gallon of water of a gallon of butane?
Water because butane is a lighter fluid.
So President Trump wants to abolish the two term limit on the Presidency.
Welcome back President Obama we missed you.
Why can’t a bike stand up on it’s own?
It's too tired.