Ouch!!

There would be mass confusion

As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting. He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it’s completely gone now. My hair can’t be saved. But look outside at the forest. It’s such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they’ll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair.” “What I want you to do,” the man continued, “is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family’s duty to keep this forest strong.” So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

I went to the opticians and they were telling me about revolutionary technology to allow us to see out of different parts such as our arms, nose and even our ass. Intrigued, I asked "when will this technology would be available?" The optician replied "arm and nose is coming in 2019, hindsight is 2020"

So if you’re a good driver, watch out for women turning

Yosef walks up to his mother. "Imma, I want you to know that I am homosexual and I will marry my boyfriend, Raul." After a long awkward silence she frowns. "Raul? That is not a Jewish name!"

and asked his wife if she wanted some. "How hard is it?" she asked. "About as hard as my dick," he replied. "Pour me some."

it gets hard for no reason and it's much shorter than you expected it to be.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly. After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes. The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it: "Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please." His friends laugh on the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a tea pot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep. After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went. The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn. The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared. The receptionist responds: "Well, comrade major did quite like your tea gag."

I wouldnt mind, but I was only 30 minutes late.

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. 'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.' 'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.' 'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?' 'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!' 'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!' 'Well, we were on the fifth tee…and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green…and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted…and it hits a bird in mid-flight !' 'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!' 'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!' 'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother. 'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!' 'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile. 'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!' Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said.. 'You missed the Goddamn putt, didn't you?'

A lifetime ban from the petting zoo.

One of them yells out “$20 for a blowjob, Father!” The priest puts his head down and speed walks the rest of the way. When he arrives at the church he nervously approaches one of the nuns and asks her “Sister, what’s a blowjob?” She tells him “$20, Same as downtown”

They are immediately disqualified.

Measles.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?  I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!"  After a moment of silence, he farted.

Cap sizes!

One night, a man is making his way home from the local. He's had a fair bit to drink, when he hears this thumping noise behind him. Not wanting to get involved in whatever it is, he puts his head down and keeps walking. Minutes later he hears the noise again, behind him and getting louder. ‘Thump Thump Thump’ He turns round, and to his horror, he sees a coffin on the street moving towards him. ‘Thump Thump’ Thinking he's had FAR too much to drink he keeps walking. ‘Thump Thump Thump’ Now it's gaining on him, so he decides to run for it. He gets to his door panicking trying to get the key in the lock as the coffin is coming, eventually he gets the door open closes & bolts it behind him and collapses on the sofa. A few seconds later, and CRASH The coffin has burst it's way through the front door knocking it off it’s hinges. Terrified he dodges round the coffin runs up the stairs, thinking there's no way the coffin can follow him there. Then he hears ‘Thump Thump Thump Thump’ The coffin is slowly hopping up the stairs, relentless in it's pursuit. The man runs into the bathroom and locks the door behind him. Next thing he hears is CRASH The coffin comes through the door knocking it off it’s hinges and it slowly moves towards him, the coffin lid now creaking open and shut as it approaches. In desperation the man grabs the first thing he sees which is a can of Gillette shaving foam and throws it at the coffin, the coffin keeps coming. Then he grabs a bar of Imperial Leather Soap throws that too, The coffin keeps coming. Finally, just before it reaches him, he grabs a bottle of Venos cough medicine and throws it at the coffin & The coffin stopped.

…need to take a good long look at themselves.

Wife: What? Wife goes to find them and comes back angrily saying: I will kill you, if you don't stop calling our children 'Defective Condoms'. Edit: Guys this is just a dark joke… It's not real… I didn't overhear any conversation like that… And I don't have any kids of my own…