Ouch…
My albino terrier was bleeding and a woman asked “is he ok!?”
I just told her that he was all white.
What do you call a prearranged rap battle?
A diss appointment.
I used to be a Christian
Woman: I used to be Christian. Man: It’s all right, I don’t really care for those sorts of things. Woman: Thank god! It’s so much better now that I’m Christine!
What is GEN Z’s least favorite toy?
a BOOMERang. Ha.
One day a mother and her 5 yr old daughter
Were sitting at a table doing a puzzle. The daughter looks at her mom and says " mommy you have such pretty hair, but why is some of it white?" Smiling the mother tells her " you see honey, whenever you do something that makes me cry. My hair turns a little more grey." Hearing this her daughter's jaw drops and her eyes go wide as she asks " MOMMY WHAT DID YOU DO TO NANNA?"
I bought some bug spray.
Every time I pull the trigger grasshoppers fly out.
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts…
I won’t lie, it was a Rocky Road…
I accidentally clicked on a pop-up link that said, “Free Justin Bieber tickets inside!”
Thankfully it was just a virus.
I’m so straight, I don’t touch myself when I jerk off.
My buddy Brian does it for me.
Why is ‘Dark’ spelt with a K, and not a C?
Because you can't C in the dark.
Do you wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin
I just watched a movie about graphs, and it was really disappointing.
The plot was predictable, and the special f(x) was terrible.
The repairs on big ben are expected to take 3 years
That's a long time considering they're working around the clock
[first day as a pilot]
me: (looking down nervously) what are all these buttons for co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
An older couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband
"Just think, honey, we've been married for 60 years.?" "Yes," he replies. "Sixty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. And we were probably naked as jaybirds." "Well," the old woman snickers, "should we get naked again for old time's sake?" So they strip off their clothing and sit back down at the table. "You know," the old woman says breathlessly, "my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 60 years ago." "I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"
When you say the word “poop”
your mouth moves just like your butt-hole does when you poop. The same is true for "explosive diarrhea".
I relabeled all the jars in my mom’s spice rack
I'm not in trouble yet but the thyme is cumin.
I’m Robin Hood, I take from the rich to give to the poor!
A poor peasant is traveling the woody paths of Barnsdale, when a hooded man walks up to him. Robin Hood: "HALT!" "I am Robin Hood, I take from the rich to give to the poor, now give me all your money!" Peasant: "I have nothing, I've been hungry for years you see" Robin Hood: "Very well then poor man, take this!" Robin Hood gives the poor man a sack, filled to the brim with gold coins. He then fades away into the forest. The peasant stares in disbelief, exclaiming: "I can't believe it, I'm Rich!" "HALT!"
Some lettuce is better than others
It shall romaine nameless.
How did 10 die ?
It was in the middle of 9/11.
Does my thai girlfriend have a dick
Something inside me is telling me yes
Why don’t ants get sick
Because they have little anty bodies
I got so drunk last night
I walked across the dance floor to get another drink and won the dance contest…
I was surprised to find that “Trailer Park Barbie” doesn’t come with bruising on her body
Then I realized battery not included
My gf left a note on the fridge: this is not working, im going to my mom’s house.
I opened the fridge's door, the light came on, the juice was cold. What the hell did she mean?
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet ?
Because they lactose
I own a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare.
But he chewed it a lot. Now I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B.
Isaac Newton died a virgin.
That means I have one up on history's greatest scientific genius. Because I'm not dead.