Ouch.
The tailor at the tuxedo shop was constantly trying to measure me, so I asked him to leave me alone.
He said, “Fine. Suit yourself.”
What’s blue and not very heavy?
Light blue.
If I had a nickel for every time I didn’t know what was going on
I would be like… how did I get all these fucking nickels??
Personally, I don’t believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park."
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field
But hay, it's in my jeans.
[SPOILER] Star Wars
https://imgur.com/lglgd2E
Sometimes I tell dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
“I love you loads, honey pie.” My wife said earlier.
“And I love you tons.” I replied. “What, no nickname for me?” She asked, disappointed. Sometimes I swear the fat cow’s going deaf.
Two twins have a race in the morning
One says to the other 'I bet I can get dressed faster than you' So each hurriedly puts their socks on, followed by their underwear and trousers, both at the same time. Now the hard part! Each fumbled frantically with their buttoned shirts, quickly but painstakingly ensuring that each button was right – a minute or so later each finished the last button at the same time. The heat was on! It was all down to the last item of clothing! It was a tie.
For me, sex is like a game
I watch it online, because I can’t afford it.
My wife and I are planning a trip to San Francisco to finally fulfill my lifelong dream of seeing The Golden Gate in person.
She asked me, “What are you going to do when you see it?” I said, “Let’s cross that bridge when we get there.”
Why did Karen press Ctrl+Alt+Del
She wanted to see the task manager
Did you hear about the professor afraid of negative numbers?
He stops at nothing to avoid them
What does DNA stand for?
National Dyslexic association.
I was accused of being a plagiarist.
Their words, not mine.
A magician stops a woman on a street….
“Pick a card, any card” he says. She grabs one at random. “Now, look away and memorize that card. Don’t show me.” She turns away, memorizes it, and turns back to see that the man was gone. She lived her life as any other. She got a job, fell in love, got married, and got pregnant with her first child. Fast forward 9 months. “Push, PUSH” the midwife and doctors urged. “You’re almost there!” “The baby! She’s crowning!” “But… what’s that in her HAND???” “It… it looks like…” “Is THIS your card?” a familiar voice said.
Today I quit drinking for good
now I only drink for evil
What do you call a man with a car on his head?
An ambulance! He's got a car on his head!
What’s the most nerdy dinosaur?
A thesaurus.
My grandpa got a prescription for Viagra.
Grandma's taking it pretty hard.
The difference between o and O
Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope. The judge says : "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday." On Monday , the judge asks the first guy : "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well , your honor , I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen people? That's wonderful . How did you do it ?" "I used a diagram , your honor . I drew two circles like this : Oo. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable ," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?" "Well, your honor , I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "Wow!" says the judge. "156 people.! How did you manage to do that?" "Well , I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this : oO. Then I pointed to the little circle and said : 'This is your asshole before jail"…
Apparently, North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York, which is a bit scary.
If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.
Why did Cinderella get kicked off the basketball team?
She ran away from the ball.
I was visiting my cousin and he just blew through a red light …
I yelled, "Are you crazy?!" He waved me off, saying, "It's OK, my brother does it all the time." The next light was red too, and he just sailed on through again. "You're gonna get us killed," I shouted. And he again replied, "It's OK, my brother does it all the time." The next light was green, so I was feeling better, but my cousin slammed on the brakes. I asked, "Now what?" He said, "Gotta be careful, my brother might be coming the other way."
I’m trying to learn the alphabet but I can’t get past X
I don’t know why
A good romance starts with a foundation of trust and friendship.
A bad romance starts with a rah rah rah-ah-ah, roma roma-ma gaga ooh la la
What did the 0 say to the 8 ?
Nice belt
My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday…
I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
I suggested to the national park service we release clay pigeons back into the wild.
That idea was immediately shot down