Ouch!
Scientists have succeeded in growing human vocal chords in a Petri dish.
The results speak for themselves!
I asked a poor pirate why he had a seagull on his shoulder instead of a proper parrot.
"Arrrr…it were on sail."
If you work hard everyday, your hard work will pay off and you will eventually be successful.
My parents used to tell me that joke all the time. Still remember it to this day.
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin, not me.
Duck a Fuck
A father gave his three sons a duck each and asked them to go and try to sell them for the best price. The first son went out and sold his duck for $5, went home and told his dad what he had done. His father congratulated him and told him to go and buy himself a beer. The second son also sold his duck for $5. His father congratulated him and told him to go and buy himself a beer. The third son went out and saw a gorgeous blonde woman on the side of the road. He went up to her and said I’ll give you my duck if you have sex with me. She considered it and said “Ok”. They had sex and when they were done she said wow that was good, I’ll give you your duck back if you’ll do me again. The boy agreed. While they were having sex again, the duck got loose and ran out into the road. They saw the duck escape and pulled their pants on but not quickly enough to prevent the duck from getting run over by a car. The driver jumped out of the car and said “I’m so sorry i killed your duck. I’ll give you $40 to make up for it. When the third son finally returned home in the evening, his dad asked how much he had made. He said “I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and forty bucks for a fucked up duck.”
Had sex with my girlfriend a couple days ago..
My girlfriend and I had sex a couple of days ago. She looked at me and said, "Turn the light off and stick it in my butt". I guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool off first.
I was born with two kidneys,
Now I've got two adult knees.
After graduating from high school, my daughter moved away from home to study at university. She sent this letter home to me…
Dear Dad, University i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply ¢an't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, your $usie. I immediately replied back… Dear Susie, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad
A long time married couple are walking by a shop when they suddenly notice a sign that reads “If you lift this 21″ laptop with your dick, it’s yours!”
… The husband goes in, lifts the laptop with his dick with great ease, and wins it. Everyone cheers for him. A month goes by and the wife notices that the husband is no longer getting frisky with her. She tries everything to get him to make love to her. Nothing works. Fed up and in tears, she goes to the husband and asks, why are you no longer making love to me!? He replies: Honey, I've been training for the washing machine!
What do you call a chubby psychic?
A four chin teller
What did Batman tell Robin before he got in the car?
Get in the car
I keep asking what LGBT stands for
But I never get a straight answer.
I just burnt my Hawaiian pizza
I guess I should have put it on aloha temperature
What do you get if you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?
Hot, cross bunnies.
My grandfather’s last words were “Pints! Litres! Gallons!”
That spoke volumes.
I want to tell you all about a girl that only ate plants.
You've probably never heard of herbivore.
A new leaked photo from Nasa reveals an actual photo of Australia taken from the ISS.
https://ift.tt/3361wXD
I never really like to follow the crowd.
Which is why I'm useless at protests.
My grief counsellor died the other day..
But he was so good I didn’t give a shit.
Why don’t people get up early in Athens?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece
Did you know piranhas can devour a small child down to the bone in less than 30 seconds?
Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
Dad: I’m giving all your toys to the orphanage
Kid: Why are you doing that? Dad: So you won't get bored there
Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen that said 'Parking Fine'.
Yes.
Is time travel possible?
I heard the atheists are trying to get tax exempt status now
they are a non-prophet organization
We’re about to have a bad spell…
…of wether.
Why is the nose in the middle of the face?
Because it's the scenter.
The world’s worst impressionist walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Why the wrong face?”
What do you call the wife of a hippie?
Mississippi.