Our baby boy was actually born on the way to the hospital.
His name is Carson.
Went to the store to get eight cans of sprite…
When I got home, I realized I’d only picked seven up.
What does Batman like in his drink?
Just ice.
I would tell a time travel joke,
but you didn't like it.
I’ve been in jail for only 5 minutes now and I’ve already been raped twice
My uncle doesn't fuck around when playing Monopoly
My wife left me because I’m too insecure…
No wait, she's back She just went make a cup of coffee..
If a man talks dirty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment.
When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.50 a minute.
Did you hear about the girl so in love, she’d rather blow her boyfriend than go out shoe shopping?
Talk about head over heels!
A teacher gave her class
of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.' 'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher. 'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!' 'Very good,' said the teacher. Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.' 'That was a fine story Sarah.' Johnny, do you have a story to share?' 'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Auntie Barbara. Auntie Barbara was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.' 'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?' 'Stay the fuck away from Auntie Barbara when she's had a Drink
I do really feel bad for the Class of 2020. People say your senior year flys..
I just didn’t realize it would Zoom..
My wife just left me
because of my insecurities. Wait, she's back. Just went out to pick the mail.
Two lesbians go on a date, who pays for it?
The guys that think they're on a double date
Why should you avoid hunting deers with a shotgun?
Because if you encounter a deer who has a shotgun, it's best to just leave them alone.
My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion.
He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
People keep saying today is Pi day
But to me, March 14th will always be cake day.
“Dad, what are condoms for?”
“Usually to avoid answering questions like these.”
What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can learn to roast beef.
I just learned that a friend of mine who had a stutter died in jail
He didn't even complete his sentence
What vegetable has a hard time breathing? Artichokes!
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Mr. and Mrs. Potato had three daughters who were as upstanding as they were lovely. One day the first daughter came home and exclaimed, “I have an announcement to make.”
“And what might that be?” said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter’s eyes. “Well,” replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, “I’m getting married!” The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, “Married! That’s wonderful! And who are you marrying, Eldest daughter?” “I’m marrying a Russet!” “A Russet!” replied Mother Potato with pride. “Oh, a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!” As the family shared in the eldest daughter’s joy, the middle daughter spoke up. “Mother, I too, have an announcement.” “And what might that be?” asked Mother Potato. Not knowing quite how to begin, the middle daughter paused, then said with conviction, “I, too, am getting married!” “You, too!” Mother Potato said with joy. “That’s wonderful! Twice the good news in one evening! And who are you marrying, Middle Daughter?” “I’m marrying an Idaho,” beamed the middle daughter. “An Idaho!” said Mother Potato with joy. “Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!” Once again, the room came alive with laughter and excited plans for the future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted. “Mother? Mother Potato? Um, I, too, have an announcement to make.” “Yes?” said Mother Potato with great anticipation. “Well,” began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her eldest sister before her, “I hope this doesn’t come as a shock to you, but I am getting married, as well!” “Really?” said Mother Potato with sincere excitement. “All of my lovely daughters married! What wonderful news! And who, pray tell, are you marrying, Youngest Daughter?” “I’m marrying Dan Rather!” “DAN RATHER?!” Mother Potato scowled suddenly. “But he’s just a common tater!”
I called my wife and told her that I’ll pick up Fish and Chips on the way from work. She didn’t respond.
She is still mad about the names I gave our kids.
What is Gordon Ramsay’s favorite subreddit?
It’s fucking r/aww
When I die I want all the people I’ve ever worked with on group projects to lower me in the ground,
So they can let me down one last time.
This shutdown is bad for everyone in the service industry, but it especially sucks for men
We're losing $1 for every $.79 women are losing
Wife got her test results back. We thought she had Tourette’s syndrome. Tests were negative.
Turns out I am a cunt & she does want me to fuck off
My father told me that I’m in the 1%
He also mentioned that condoms work 99% of the time.
I went to the doctors recently. He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”
I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?” He said, “No. fatty don’t eat anything.”
Where do you find a no-legged dog?
Right where you left him.
Why is it good to wash your eyes with ketchup?
Because Heinzsight is 20/20
How does a lumberjack know how many trees he’s cut down?
He keeps a log.
What does English teachers do on Reddit?
Edit: grammar
Alcohol is gay.
Cause when you have it, you can't think straight.
I once knew an arrogant sponge.
he was very self absorbed.