Our country is about to switch from imperial to metric units.
There will be mass confusion.
Iâm ashamed I never thought of it
True story: today at work, I was getting ready to discharge a patient from the recovery room after surgery, and I asked âhow do you feel?â Without hesitation he replied âwith my fingersâ and the old guy in the next bay chuckled and yelled âgood one!â
A man walks into a pet store to buy 12 bees
After he just bought 12 bees, the pet owner gave him 13 bees. The man asked the pet owner why he was given an extra bee. The pet owner answered,âThe last oneâs a free bee.â
A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke, âWell, Sister, this looks pretty grim.â âI know, Father. In fact, I donât think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.â âI agree,â says the Father. âSister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?â âAnything, Father.â âI have never seen a womanâs breasts and I was wondering if I might see yoursâŚâ âWell, under the circumstances I donât see that it would do any harm.â The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. âSister, would you mind if I touched them?â She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. âFather, could I ask something of you?â âYes, Sister?â âI have never seen a manâs penis. Could I see yours?â âI suppose that would be OK,â the Priest replied lifting his robe. âOh Father, may I touch it?â The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. âSister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.â âIs that true Father?â âYes, it is, Sister.â âOh Father, thatâs wonderful⌠stick it in the camel and letâs get the hell out of here!â
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, âCan you tell me what happened before The Big Bang?â
The professor replied, âSorry. No Time.â
Today my son asked, “Can I have a book mark?”
I burst out laughing, 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
In America, dogs are K9…
In China, dogs are E10.
There is a fine line between numerator and denominator
Only a fraction of people will get it
Viagra shipment stolen.
Cop looking for a bunch of hardened criminals.
There are 10 kinds of people…
Those who understand binary and those who don't.
Whats the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but the people in Abu Dhabi dooo!
My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code.
Last night for example, I couldn't fall asleep, because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me?
I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am. " The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be a programmer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far. " The woman below responded, "You must be a manager." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "You don't know where you are or where you are going" You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow "it's my fault."
Hans, Is That You?
The Germans and Americans were reaching a stalemate in WWI. In World War I there was trench warfare, and neither the Americans nor the Germans could get the upper hand. They were reaching a stalemate. One day, an American came up with a plan that would win them the war. This private explained his plan to his trench mates, and they figured, "Why not? It's not like we have any better ideas." The next day, an American soldier called out, "Hans!?" A German popped up and shouted back, "Ja?!" Boom, the German was shot dead. The next day the Americans shouted again, "Hans?!" "Ja?!" Shot dead. This process continued over the next couple of days. The Germans were losing large numbers, and were now finally catching on. The Germans had an emergency meeting. They thought they could come back from the heavy losses using the same tactics as the Americans. Thus, a German asked, "What is a popular American name?" "John!" replied another. The next day, the Germans decided to execute their plan. A German shouted, "John!?" An American called back, "Is that you Hans?!" "Ja!" And that is how the Americans won WWI.
What is it called when a cannonball eats another cannonball?
Cannonball-ism
My wife and I just found out she’s pregnant with our first child.
To celebrate, we invited all the family and friends we could to my parents' house and then made the big announcement. Everyone was ecstatic and my father in particular was driven to tears. At a certain point during the night he pulled me aside and led me into his study, which I had never really been inside until this point. He opened a safe and produced cigars a bottle of whiskey and a large, beautifully bound book. "I could never have asked for a better son," my father said, lighting the cigars and pouring the whiskey. "I hope you think I was a good enough father to deserve you." "Of course, Dad," I said, "You were all I could've asked for and I wish my son admires me even half as much as I admire you." "Now I've shared with you nearly everything I know," he said, "But not this one thing. This is the Big Book of Dad Jokes. There are many like it but this one is special. My father gave it to me when your mother and I first found out she was pregnant with you, and I studied it and studied it, learning all the dad jokes I could and mastering book's secrets. I hope it serves you as well as it served me in being a father… No… I know it will serve you well. I love you, my son." "Dad… I don't know what to say… I'm honoured…" "Hi Honoured, I'm Dad."
I took a bath with bubbles
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Did you hear about the explosion at the Shoe Factory?
God rest their soles.
Iâm reading a horror book in Braille.
Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.
Which state has the smallest drink?
Minnesota.
My wife said to me she doesn’t understand cloning.
I said that makes 2 of us.
Did you hear about the photographer who went to jail,
I heard that he was framed.
Told my fiance that I think our dog is depressed.
She asked me why and I said that everytime we get home, I say hello to him and ask how his day was. He answers with "Rough! Rough!"
Jon Cooper, Chairman of the Democratic Coalition, getting Donnie together on Twitter.
https://ift.tt/2O8FFsJ
Why was the forest so noisy?
The treeâs bark.
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert
They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."
Bad Hitler puns are infĂźhreriating.
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