Our new librarian is very polite and I think she is Italian…
I've just taken a book back that was months overdue but, rather than charging me, she just said, "That's-a-fine."
Lego stores have finally reopened in the midst of COVID-19…
and people are lined up for blocks.
I wanted to tell a yoga joke.
But it was a bit of a stretch.
I’ve been having to use lettuce as TP since the Covid craziness
The worst part is the news says this is just the tip of the iceberg and what I need to use as TP tomorrow romaines to be seen. Stay safe kids, Dad
my 7YO hit me with this one this morning
7YO: Knock knock! Me: Who's there? 7YO: Europe Me: Europe who? 7YO: (with mock outrage) I'm not a poo! you're a poo!
I showed up late to the Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting.
Needless to say, all the seats were already taken.
I’ve been having the most difficult time figuring out what audio system to put in my car.
I hate making decisions based on stereotypes.
A JFK conspiracy theorist dies and goes to heaven
When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, God is there to receive him. "Welcome. You are permitted to ask me one question, which I will answer truthfully." Without hesitating, the conspiracy theorist asks, "Who really shot Kennedy?" God replies, "Lee Harvey Oswald shot him from sixth floor of the Texas School Book Depository. There were no accomplices. He acted alone" The conspiracy theorist pauses, thinks to himself, then says "Shit! This goes higher up than I thought…"
I really need to fix my watch but…
I never have the time
Why don’t skeletons fight each other?
They don’t have the guts.
Which Witcher knows the answers to all questions?
Geralt of Trivia
A Mexican magician said that he could disappear on the count of three. He started “unos, dos..”
But then he disappeared without a tres…
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooooom!
What’s the opposite of urine?
I'm out
A person asked me, “Aren’t you the guy who brags about weird stuff?”
I replied, "No, Im the guy who takes the longest baths in the city".
What do you get if you cross James Bond with a blind dinosaur?
Spynosawus. … I'll just see myself out
What did the police say to his bellybutton
Your under a vest
Things I do to piss off my wife
Sext her out of nowhere and then text back right away “sorry wrong person”
WeWork’s Founder Adam Neumann Getting Owned by Masa Son of SoftBank
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jdPlCiS287k&t=3s
What do you call a crowd-sourced internet database for turntables?
Wiki-Wiki-Wikipedia
I tried my wife’s essential oils for the first time today.
Worst french fries I've ever had.
What did the melon say when his girl asked him to run away and get married?
I love you honeydew, but I cantaloupe.
What does the word ‘gay’ mean?
asked a son to his father. "It means 'happy,'" replied the father. "Oh," contested the son, "so are you gay, then?" "No, son, I have a wife."
Little Suzie walks in on her parents having sex.
She's told to wait downstairs. Her mother comes down first and tries to console her. Mommy, what were you doing to daddy? Well sweetheart, you know how your father's a little overweight? Every day I bounce up and down on top of him to let some of the air out. The little girl starts laughing. What's so funny hunny? You're wasting your time mommy. Every day when you go to work, the neighbor comes over and blows him right back up!
I don’t like doing spring cleaning
Damn things bounce all over the place
My grandma isn’t a fan of her new stairlift.
She says it drives her up the wall.
“Dad, was I adopted as a child?”
The father sighs, places his hand on the boy's shoulder and replies wistfully: "We tried, but nobody would take you"
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers!
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?" "Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations." "How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks. The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."
We should make it a rule not to post any jokes about the un-employed here
They just don't work
I went to a zoo today which only had a dog.
It was a Shih Tzu.
When orders for acetone, benzene and methanol plummeted…
…the chemical plant became insolvent…
Republicans must be flipping their shit over this blatant nepotism within our government!
https://ift.tt/37vjKDx