Our Senate Intelligence Committee Chairman, ladies and gentlemen!
Girls call me ugly till they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
As an immigration officer, I may not always agree with you.
But I can see where you are coming from.
Carl is into the tenth year of his life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.
…after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape. "You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued. Carl continues: "For the last five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it." So Jim asks, "Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help?" Carl says "Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we'll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers." Jim, disgusted, says "You have got to be kidding me!" And Carl says "I shit. You knot."
You know the thing about holy water
I don't see the use of water with holes
Angela Merkel is taking a holiday in Poland.
At the border, she's stopped by a border security officer. "Name?" asks the officer. "Angela Merkel," she says. "Occupation?" asks the officer. "Look, we said we were sorry," she replies.
My wife says that she will have butt sex if this hits the front page by the morning.
Please don't upvote she is on a business trip until tuesday.
How did the farmer catch his cheating wife?
He tractor down.
The wife and I decided we don’t want children.
We're telling them tomorrow.
When I noticed “HI” in the alphabet, I thought someone was actually going to be my friend…
Then I saw the next two letters…
It is interesting to realise that the Indian Gods are also called Devs
/r/teenagers/comments/f2yg7u/it_is_interesting_to_realise_that_the_indian_gods/
You know what’s really odd?
Numbers not divisible by 2.
Your DUCK IS DEAD
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1,500!" she cried,"$1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1,500."
I saw a theatre production about puns recently
It was a play on words
Not dad jokes…. it’s jokes on dad
Nurse: I'm sorry sir, your dad is pronounced dead. Son:I can't believe I'm pronouncing it wrong all this time.
My wife asked me to get some of the pills that would help me get an erection.
So I got her some diet pills.
I was thinking about the first time machine I ever built.
Ahhh, it takes me back.
Two men golfing…
Two guys are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there are two terrible lady golfers in front of them hitting the ball everywhere but where it’s supposed to go. The first guy says, “Why don’t you go over and ask if we can play through?” The second guy gets about halfway there, turns and comes back. The first guy says, “What’s wrong?” He says, “One of them is my wife, and the other one is my mistress.” The first guy says, “That could be a problem. I’ll go over.” He gets about halfway there and he turns and comes back, too. The second guy says, “What’s wrong?” The first guy says, “Small world.”
After buying a new sail for my boat, Amazon told me it’s too late to cancel my order.
That sail has shipped.
I’ve just discovered that I have a logic fetish
I can't stop coming to conclusions
I have many jokes about unemployed people.
Sadly, none of them work.
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office:
I will find you. You have my Word!
What do you call a hen who counts her eggs?
A mathemachicken
A man, a dog, and a pig wash up on a desert island. (Long)
They are the only living things there, besides some birds and rodents, and soon, they figure out how to work together to survive and not go insane. The dog hunts, the man cooks, and the pig forages for truffles. There are many truffles on this particular island. They have a perfectly functioning life, if a little boring. One afternoon, all three are sitting on the beach, watching the most beautiful sunset they have seen in their lives. And the man starts feeling melancholy. He feels empty, almost, like there is a pit in the bottom of his stomach. He soon realizes that this emptiness can only be fulfilled by a womanly touch. He glances over to the pig, and imagines it as a beautiful, completely stunning woman. He leans in to kiss her, and just as their lips are about to meet, the dog jumps up and starts barking, snapping the man out of his trance. A few weeks later, a woman washes up on shore. She soon becomes an integral part of their small society, looking for food, helping the man skin and cook animals, and being an all-around happy presence on this deserted island. On another afternoon, much like the one previously mentioned, the four are staring out into an incredible sunset, and the man, he starts feeling this feeling again. This feeling of melancholy, that which only a woman can cure. He looks over at the woman who washed up in this island, this beautiful woman, and he says, “Do you mind taking the dog for a walk?”
What has 8 legs and 8 eyes?
8 pirates
A child asked his dad,” how are coins made”.
The dad said," They are made at a mint with a press". Then the child responded," That makes cents".
My girlfriend’s gynaecologist followed her on Instagram yesterday.
I really don't know what else he wants to see.
“The 24th of December is Christmas Eve”
"No it fucking isn't, Adam."
#851: Three guys got into a car crash and all died.
They all get up to heaven and meet St. Peter at the gates. St. Peter said "Okay everyone can come in, but whatever you do don't step on a duck." The gates open and there are ducks everywhere, all over the floor, on tabletops, everywhere. The first guy walks in and accidentally steps on a duck. St. Peter comes along and handcuffs him to the ugliest woman in all the world and says, "Now you must stay handcuffed for all eternity." The other two see this and do their best to avoid the ducks. The second guy goes months and months without stepping on any duck. Then one morning he wakes up and as he is getting out of bed he steps on two ducks. St. Peter comes over and handcuffs him to the most atrocious looking and smelling woman and says, "Now you must stay handcuffed to each other for all eternity." Now the third guy goes years and years and doesn't step on any ducks in all that time. Then one day St. Peter comes along and handcuffs him to the most beautiful woman he as ever seen. St. Peter says, "Now you must stay handcuffed to each other for all eternity." The guy happily says, "Oh my God, what have I done to deserve this?!" And the woman says, "I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."
Why was Heisenberg bad at sex?
Because when he found the position, he couldn't find the momentum. And when he found the momentum, he couldn't find the position.
What does the Mafia and pussies have in common?
One slip of the tongue and you are in deep shit.
My neighbor knocked on my door this morning at 2:30 AM!
Luckily for him i was still up playing my drums
How do you get “Dick” from “Richard”?
You ask him nicely
I got lead poisoning from a Dr. Pepper knock-off
I guess I shouldn’t drink Mr. Pb again