Out Of Room
A cowboy sees a bunch of American Indians on the horizon and thinks: ”I’m fucked…”, but a voice in the back of his head says: ”Not so fast! Kill the chief!!!”
''What?! Why?'' – thinks the cowboy. ''Just kill the chief!'' – says the voice. The cowboy hesitated a bit more and than drew his gun and shot the chief. As the chief was falling from his horse the voice in the cowboy's head said: ''Now you're fucked…''
My friend just told me that he has a third nipple, and he has decided to get surgery to remove it.
He really needed to get it off his chest.
Why was the locomotive always hungry?
It had a really hard time choo choo chooing it’s food.
What happins if you can’t pee?
Urine trouble
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden…
The plot thickens!
How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed. 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently. 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs. 17 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions. 6 to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb.' Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid. 22 to tell THOSE 6 to stop being jerks. 2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp.' 15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that 'light bulb' is perfectly correct. 49 to post memes and gifs (several are of Michael Jackson eating popcorn). 19 to post that this page is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page. 11 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here. 24 to discuss the merits of LED/swirly fluorescent light bulbs. 44 to claim LED and fluorescent bulbs will kill you. 12 to post F. 8 to ask what F means. 36 People to post pics of their own light bulbs. 15 People to post "I can't see S$%!" and use their own light bulbs. 6 to report the post or PM an admin because someone said "f÷×$" 4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?". 13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs." 1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn't the brightest bulb. This usually takes place within the first three comments. 50 more to get into personal attacks over their political views. 5 admins to ban the light bulb posters who took it all too seriously. 1 late arrival to comment on the original post 6 months later and start it all over again.
It is a poor musician that blames his in cement…
*instrument. … darn autocorrect just screwed up my post.
Why are blinks called “blinks”?
Because their "bi-winks".
A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution “this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before.”
So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm…that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago…"
I slept like a baby last night..
I spent half the night crying and then shit myself.
Never have sex with a wizard…
I did once and I got Hogwarts. Now they won't quidditching.
My wife got mad at me for kicking the dropped ice cubes under the refrigerator.
But now it’s all water under the fridge.
What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang a picture
Wanna here a joke about a broken pencil?
Never mind, it’s pointless…
What do you say to your sister when shes crying?
Are you having a crisis?
What do you get when you mix 50% human DNA with 50% goat DNA?
Kicked out of the petting zoo.
Justice is best served cold…
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater!
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they’ll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age…
I’m not racist, i love all races equally
Black, asian, normal, it doesn't matter
What do you call a bigoted fashion designer?
Clothes-minded.
The World Health Organization (WHO) announced that dogs cannot get Covid-19. Dogs can be released from quarantine.
So now we know “WHO let the dogs out"
Every 52 seconds a man in London is stabbed.
Poor bastard.
I think I had my first dad joke moment
I was driving my daughter (10F) to her dance class. Although we have taken this route countless times before and she never said a word about it before, she did this time and said as she was looking out the window while driving by a particular area, "Why would anyone build a daycare next to a cemetery?" Without thought, I said "I don't know, but I bet their neighbors are quiet" There was a second or two pause and then she said "Daaaaaaad." My chest puffed up with pride for several miles as I thought I had just crossed the line into Dad Jokedom!
Your essays should be like a girl’s skirt
Long enough to cover the subject, short enough to keep it interesting
Just heard that Harry is thinking of taking up painting full time after stepping down from the Royal family.
He'll be the artist formerly known as Prince.
Is dark matter todays version of phlogiston, vitalism, the four humors, steady-state model?
https://ift.tt/2AMo9Xl
Why do programmers prefer dark mode?
Cause light attracts bugs.
A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck.
He finishes his drink and asks for the check. Duck billed platypus.
A woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap.
"Because he used to live in a brothel," says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
Do you wanna hear a ghost joke ?
that's the spirit.
Two new recruits were on the deck of a ship.
One turns to other and says, "Its awfully quiet on deck tonight. Isn't it?" Other recruit replies, "Everyone must be watching the band." "There is no band on this ship." "No, I definitely heard the captain say, a band on ship."
My wife tore a page from the dictionary and locked it in her closet.
I still don't know the hidden meaning behind it.
Newlyweds are going at it in their apartment building
That is to say they are fucking hard. But the lady was very loud. So the next morning neighbour Jon tells the man: "Look Mike, I'm fine with the youngs having sex, but do you mind putting some tape over her mouth so the rest of us can get some sleep?" So Mike does. That night the young couple begins. After a while Mike calls out "This ok John?" "Yuuup! Fine!" After a while he calls again "This alright Johnny?" "Fiine, fine!" And a third time "This alright, pal?" "Mike! Take the ducktape off!" "What? Why?!" "The entire building thinks you're fucking me!!!"
There’s only a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will understand this.
