“Out of stock”
Did you hear about the photographer who went to jail,
I heard that he was framed.
How Long Is A Chinese Name
No, seriously, it is.
Did you hear about the semicolon that broke the law?
It received two consecutive sentences.
NSFW
I bought a safe for my home
What concert cost only 45 cents?
50 cent ft. Nickelback
Life is like a dick
it gets hard for no reason and it's much shorter than you expected it to be.
I was applying for Australian citizenship, the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”
I said, “No. Is that still required?”
My son Luke loves that we chose Star Wars characters as inspiration when naming my kids.
However, his sister Chewbacca and his brother Boba Fett are less amused.
I really need to fix my watch but…
I never have the time
My friends and I tried to bypass the quarantine laws by dressing up as crows and hanging out together on top of a telephone wire
Unfortunately, someone called the police on us and we got arrested for attempted murder.
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump.
I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
Two tampons are walking down the street, which one says hi first?
Neither because they’re both stuck up cunts
Since I’ve installed Adblock Plus
All the girls in my area suddenly lost their interest in me.
A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were pretty and wore mini-skirts.
Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive. The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent. Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good value for money. Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled. Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.
I once saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg
I asked him: "I bet i could guess your favourite holiday" He Replied: "Have to love Easter, baby."
Why can’t a bicycle stand on its own?
It's two-tired.
What’s 6.9?
A great thing ruined by a period
I pretend to be gay in order to gain the trust of women I like.
I listen to their problems, I learn about color matching and fashion so that I can go shopping with them, I ask them about their feelings, etc. The whole thing. Once they trust me, I wait patiently and the moment they let their guard down, BAM! I fuck their boyfriends.
Why do gay people keep smiling?
They can’t keep a straight face
Why couldn’t Peter Pan ever be a comedian?
Because his jokes Neverland 😀
Why does England feel like it’s two months ahead of us?
It's only March 28th here, but in England it feels like it's the end of May.
A Psychology professor starts off his lecture by telling his students.
"Today we'll learn about the three stages of human emotion: surprise, irritation, and rage." With that, he takes his phone out of his pocket, puts it on speaker, and dials a random number. "Hello, may I please speak to Dave?" says the professor when the other person answers. "No, I'm sorry, you have the wrong number" says the person on the other end. "You see that students, that's surprise. Now allow me to show you what irritation sounds like." He picks up the phone again, and dials the same number. When it answers, the professor asks. "Hi, can Dave come to the phone?" "I told you you have the wrong number" "That's irritation, my friends" says the professor. "Now, let's look at what rage looks like" He picks up the phone and dials the number again. When it answers he asks. "Is Dave available?" "LISTEN, YOU FUCKING DIPSHIT. IF YOU CALL THIS NUMBER AGAIN, I'LL COME OVER, BREAK THAT PHONE IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS. AND IF IT DOESN'T FIT, I'LL PUSH IT IN WITH MY COCK!!!!!!" "And that's rage." "Professor, you forgot the fourth stage," says a young man in the front rows. "And what might that be?" asks the professor. "It's called the stage of total confusion. Allow me to demonstrate" He comes up to the podium, takes the professor's phone and dials the same number. "Hello, this is Dave, has somebody called me today?"
Two lawyers went into a diner and decided to order drinks
They felt hungry after a long day so they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat them. The owner frustratedly marched over and told them, “listen, you're not allowed to eat your own sandwiches in here!” The lawyers looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
I have a math joke
But I’m 22 to say it
What do we want! Low flying aircraft noises!
When do we want them! Nooooooooooowwwwwwwwww
I’ve developed a fear of negative numbers.
I'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
Genie: I will grant you two wishes.
Guy: two? It’s always three, right? Genie: look at your crotch. Guy: Damn, that’s a huge dick. Genie: I’ve been doing this for centuries. You’re welcome.
One day at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skin-tight miniskirt.
When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight that she couldn’t get her foot high enough to reach the step. Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn’t reach the step. So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn’t reach the step. So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, “How dare you touch my body that way; I don’t even know you!” Shocked, the man says, “Well, ma’am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kind of figured that we were friends.”
“Can you make me breakfast in bed?” asked the wife.
I said, "No, I'll have to go to the kitchen."
How much does it cost to buy a large singing group?
"you mean a choir?" Fine… How much does it cost to "acquire" a large singing group?
Airline food is disgusting
It just isn’t on the same level as homemade and restaurant food