A dyslexic man walked into a bra
No text found
I have a few jokes about unemployed people
but none of them work.
I said to my wife, “I need to call the doctor today.” She asked, “Which doctor?”
"No, the regular kind."
My son, starting a conversation: You know, Dad…
Me: Of course I know him. He's me.
My friend asked if I wanted to play Yahtzee.
I said "no dice."
Yesterday I purchased a world map…gave my wife a dart and said to her “throw this and wherever it lands, I’m taking you for a holiday”.
Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.
My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn’t heard before.
My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other. Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?" Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands." Doesn't have a clue why I was laughing so hard.
Why teddy bears don’t go to the gym?
They don't wanna get ripped
Why do younever buy a pair of shoes from a drug dealer?
Because you don't know what he laces them with and you'll be tripping all day.
My girlfriend told me she had slept with 5 men before we met.
I wouldnt mind, but I was only 30 minutes late.
Just found out why my toast kept getting burnt
My toaster had pop-up blocker on.
Take 4 and subtract 2 from it. What’s left?
The opposite of right
A man walks into a bar
As he sits down, he looks up and notices three pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender “what’s with the meat?” The bartender says, “If you can jump up and slap all three pieces at once, you get free drinks for an hour. If you miss even one, you have to pay for everyone else’s drinks for the rest of the night. Wanna give it a go?” The man takes another look at the meat, then says, “I think I’ll pass. The steaks are too high.”
My wife said I was being immature.
I told her to get out of my fort.
How does a Rabbi make tea?
Hebrews it
A vampire walks into a bar…
A vampire walks into a bar and goes straight up to the bartender and asks for a large warm glass of blood. Luckily, it happens to be a bar that serves vampires and quick as a tick the bartender hands over a long glass of blood, to which the vampire slurps it down happily. Sooner than later, another vampire enters the establishment and sees his fellow child of darkness happily nursing his glass at the bar. He proceeds to sit next to him and orders the same, to which the bartender obliges and plunks down another large warm glass of blood. Finally a third vampire strolls through the door and walks confidently up to the barkeep and the other vampires. He opens his fanged mouth to speak, but the Barman interrupts him: "Let me guess…" he opines, "One large glass of warm blood?". To his surprise the vampire shakes his head. "Actually, can I have a cup of boiling water please?" The Bartender is confused but is unwilling to question the motives of a vampire, especially a vampire customer and produces the boiling water for his guest. The other vampires, also curious pause their drinking to stare at the new arrival. Sensing their curiosity the vampire simply shrugs, produces a tampon from his pocket and dunks it into the cup. "I'm making tea…"
It seems like every Thanksgiving I end up eating leftovers for weeks afterwards…
Not this year though – I'm quitting cold turkey…
How can you get the attention of a pervert?
Mark the post with an NSFW tag
guys pray for my friend. He told me he only believed 12.5% of the bible…
he said he's an eighth theist
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised!
Everyone keeps telling me that I am the worst mailman they have ever seen.
Shit, I meant to post this somewhere else.
What do you call a bacterial disease caused by two grizzlies?
Twobearculosis.
I tell it in the wrong order.
Why am i bad at telling jokes?
I said to the judge, “60% of my parking tickets are bogus!”
He said, “Repeat infractions?” I said, “Okay, 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!”
My calculator is missing the minus button….
But on the plus side it still works.
I got a bar installed into my roof.
Just so whenever I have guests I can say "drinks are on the house".
My friend says to me “What rhymes with banana?”
And I told him "No it doesn't"
Mom got a sex change operation
After being unhappy for many years my mother came to me and said she was going to get a sex change operation. I didn't fully understand but I was very supportive throughout the whole operation, then he came home. That's when it all started, all the time all day long horrible dad jokes, terrible puns and all around just awful humor. After a few weeks and being fed up, I realized something and I confronted them. "Did you seriously just have a sex change operation just for the dad jokes?!" I asked. He replied, "Oh you could see right through me, I must be so trans-parent."
Today a girl kissed me
I wish I could post it in another subreddit
Attila walks into a quaint Southern diner.
Waitress says, “What can I get you, Hun?”
Roses are red, my screen is blue
I think I deleted system32
Two scientists walk into a bar.
"I'll have H2O," says the first. "I'll have H2O, too," says the second. The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.