Outstanding move
An unpaid internship is nothing like actual slavery
Slaves are given food and housing.
How do you upset a vegan by email?
Send them some spam
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.
Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He is a web designer.
I walked in on my girlfriend in bed with her personal trainer
I told her this isn’t working out
Why are there two d’s in reddit?
The second one is a repost.
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex…
But my girlfriend keeps insisting it says dyslexia
A job applicant was asked, “What would you consider to be your main strengths and weaknesses?”
“Well,” he began, “my main weakness would definitely be my issues with reality—telling what’s real from what’s not.” “Okay,” said the interviewer. “And what about your strengths?” “I’m Batman.”
What kind of running means walking?
Running out of gas!
Bill Clinton and the Pope die on the same day, and due to some administrative foul up, Clinton gets sent to heaven and the Pope gets sent to hell.
The Pope explains the situation to the hell administration, they check their paperwork, and the error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that it will take about 24 hours to make the switch. The next day, the Pope is called in and the hell administration bids him farewell and he heads for heaven. On the way up, he meets Clinton on the way down, and they stop to chat. Pope: Sorry about the mix up. Clinton: No problem. Pope: Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven. Clinton: Why's that? Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary. Clinton: You're a day late.
My sister just lost her tongue in a bad accident.
I wanted to make a joke out of it, but I think it would be very tasteless.
Ace your next code interview and flex on your coworkers with this one simple trick!
https://ift.tt/32RuVTD
I was going to be a history teacher.
But I don't like living in the past.
What do you say to comfort a friend struggling with grammar?
There, they’re, their.
The garbage man looks sad.
Yeah, he's wheelie bin depressed.
What do you call a cage without five cents in it?
A nickeless cage.
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?". "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks over at the bottle and says, "Jesus christ! He's done it again!"
It’s getting crowded in heaven, so one day Saint Peter decides to only accept people who make him laugh.
A man came walking up to the Pearly Gates, and Saint Peter said to him: “Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died.” The man looked at Saint Peter and said, “Oh man, it was awful! I was absolutely sure my wife was having an affair, so I left work early to come home and try to catch her in the act. When I got home, sure as shit there she was, naked on the bed! I looked all over the apartment, but I couldn’t find the guy anywhere. So I went outside on our 25th story balcony, and there he was!! Hanging over the edge by his fingertips! So I ran inside, and grabbed my hammer and ran back outside and started smashing his hands and fingers with it! He finally let go, and he fell down 25 stories but he landed in some bushes, so I ran inside and using all of my might, I grabbed my refrigerator, picked it up, and threw it over the rail and on top of the guy, crushing and killing him!! But all of the strain and exertion from picking up the refrigerator gave me a heart attack and I died.” Saint Peter let out a faint chuckle, and since it was a crime of passion, he decided to let the poor soul in. Another man came walking up to the pearly gates, and Saint Peter told this man the same thing—that in order to get in, he was going to have to make Saint Peter laugh. So the second started to tell Saint Peter how he died. “Oh man, it was awful! I was doing aerobics out on my 26th story balcony of my apartment, when all of a sudden a flock of birds came out of nowhere and started attacking me! I was trying to get away, but I fell over the edge of my railing! However, on my way down I managed to grab the railing of the apartment below mine…but then this maniac suddenly showed up and started smashing my hands and fingers with a hammer until I let go! Fortunately for me, I landed in some bushes, but then some guy dropped a freaking refrigerator on me! Saint Peter chuckled again, let the second guy into heaven, and was realizing he has found a way he could really start enjoying his job! About that time, a 3rd man comes walking up to the pearly gates, and Saint Peter gave him the speech about needing to make him laugh, and asks him how he died. “Oh man, you’re never going to believe this shit! Alright, so picture this—I’m butt naked and hiding in a refrigerator…”
I’m very generous when it comes to giving to charity.
I always say, "No, thank you. I'm not interested. But thank you for considering me, good day."
What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?
One goes whack "shit" The other goes "shit" whack
Why couldn’t Peter Pan ever be a comedian?
Because his jokes Neverland 😀
Why was the virgin left hanging?
No text found
So if guns don’t kill people, people kill people
Does that mean toasters don’t toast toast toast toast toast?
I relabeled all the jars in my wife’s spice rack.
I'm not in trouble yet but the thyme is cumin…
This is one from one of my preschoolers: Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
Because he was feeling crumby.
What do Mexico and Canada have in common?
They both border on stupidity.
What has 4 letters , sometimes has 9 letters, but never has 5 letters.
Just a hint: I didn't ask a question
What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?…..
Same middle name.
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer
The bartender says sorry, we don't serve food here
Did you hear about the the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, but no atmosphere