Outstanding move
A man walks into a bar…
…he approaches the barman and asks for a whiskey and coke. "Take this apple." "I don't want an apple. I want a JD and coke." "Trust me, try the apple." The man takes a bite, and exclaims "Christ! This tastes like Jack Daniels!" "Yup. Turn it around." "Wow!" He says after taking a bite from the other side of the apple, "This side tastes like coke!" Before the man can ask the barman to explain the apple's mysteries, another patron walks in. "Vodka and tonic please mate" "Here's an apple." "I don't want a fuckin' apple mate, I want a…" "Trust me, try the man's apple. They're incredible!" Interrupts the first customer. He takes the apple and begrudgingly takes a large bite and starts spluttering; "Bloody hell this tastes like neat vodka!" Both the barman and the first customer yell "Turn it around!" in unison. The man obliges and exclaims "Wow! This tastes like tonic water. These apples are fantastic!" A third man saunter's up to the bar; "Pint of IPA please mate". "Hold on!" Says the second customer. "This guy has an apple in any flavour you want, it's incredible!" "Any flavour?" Asks the third man. "Any flavour you want sir." Say the barman. "In that case, gimme an apple that tastes like pussy!" "Um.. alright" says the barman as he hands him an apple. The man takes a bite and immediately spits everything onto the bar. "EEErrrughcchh!!! This apple tastes like shit!!" "TURN IT AROUND!!"
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months…….
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."
The last 4 letters of “queue” aren’t silent
They’re waiting for their turn
What do you do when your mind isn’t exactly working like clockwork?
Change your gears.
The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.
"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!" The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you this before. This is Air Force One…"
I’m bisexual
If i can’t get sex, I bi it
What do we want?
Hearing aids! When do we want them! Hearing aids!
When I buy my wife something made of gold,
she always gazes at me in Au.
A flat-Earther died, and to his surprise found himself standing on a cloud in front of the gates of heaven
A flat-Earther died, and to his surprise found himself standing on a cloud in front of the gates of heaven. God himself was there and told him he would be happy to answer any questions the man might have – about anything across the entirety of Space and Time. So of course the man said – "Was I right? Is the earth actually flat?" and God chuckled and said "Of course not". The man shook his head in disbelief, shaken to his very core, before murmuring "…this goes even higher than I thought…"
What’s the opposite of a waterfall?
A firefly
How does a rock pee?
He Dwaynes his Johnson
NSFW I once got my ex’s name tattooed on my penis…
Her name was Wendy and i had it done when I was hard and now you can only see W and Y when soft. One day I was on holiday in Jamaica, using the restroom I noticed a Jamaican man with the same WY tattoo. I asked if he had Wendy tattooed on his penis aswell. He replied: "nah bro it says, Welcome to Jamaica and have a nice day"
When I was in college, I was rejected by all fraternities because I was circumcised.
Apparently you needed to be a complete dick.
Three brothers were competing to see who was able to give their elderly mother the best birthday gift
The first one bought her a mansion. The second one bought her a Porsche. The third one, knowing how religious their mom is, bought her a remarkable parrot. It took 18 monks 10 years to teach him how to recite the whole Bible. It’s one of a kind, it cost 20 million dollars. After some time, their mother sent out her letters of thanks: "John," she wrote to the first one, "The mansion you bought is too big. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the entire house." "Peter," she wrote to the second one, "I’m too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Porsche." "Dearest Samuel," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. That chicken was absolutely delicious!"
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi (not a rabbit) want to see who’s best at his job.
So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.
I once had a conversation with a dolphin.
We just clicked.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip
The police charged me with hummus-cide
Did you hear the one about Oedipus and Midas?
It was motherfucking gold.
As the nurse is making the rounds at the old folks home…
She stops by Carl's room and sees him putting black shoe polish all over his penis. Dismayed, she exclaims "no, no, no Carl, you misunderstood. I said remember to turn your clock back."
“Did you take a shower, Dad?”
“Why, is there one missing?”
My second wife left me because I have “revenge issues”
We'll see about that…
Husband says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.
Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf." Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do together." The husband begrudgingly accepts his wife request and they go to the golf course. On the first tee the husband drives it 300 yards, dead center. The wife tries it and slices it right into a huge window of a huge house on the side of the course. Husband says "ah shit. Ok let's go pay for this window The couple arrives at the front door of the broken window house and rings the doorbell. A very well dressed man answers the door, "Can I help you?" Husband: "Hi we're the ones that broke the window, are you the owner of the house?" Well dressed man: "oh no I am only the butler. Master is in the other room, follow me. The couple follows the butler through the massive entry and into a wondrous library. In the center of which sits the master, staring intently at a vase that was broken, quite clearly by the golf ball. Husband: "oh I am so sorry. My wife, you see, is learning golf. She didn't mean to.." The master interrupts in an understanding tone "haha oh its alright. You see I'm a genie and I was trapped in that vase for the last several hundred years. But you released me by breaking it. As you know genies grant 3 wishes. But since you did break the window I will save the third for myself, leave 1 each for you both. Madame would you like to go first?" Wife: "uh I want lots of money…." "Done." Interrupts the master, " I'll also make it theft proof, fire proof, and infinite. Anytime you need money no matter the amount, it will be in your account." Wife: "oh my goodness thank you so much!" "You're turn", says the the master looking at the husband. Husband: "I'd like a beautiful home in ever country." Master: "and you shall have it. Complete with protection from all the elements and a staff to maintain it and look after you when you stay." Husband: " Jesus! thank you so much!" Master: "not a problem. As for my wish, well I have been trapped in that vase for so long and all the while without a woman. I am sorry but my wish is to have sex with your beautiful wife." Husband to wife: "I don't know honey. I mean he did give us all of those houses and an unlimited amount of money. You know how I feel about cheating but this seems different." Wife: "yeah I agree. I'm not thrilled about it but I get where he is coming from. Okay I'll do it" The Master is thrilled and wisks the wife upstairs where they have loud, wall banging sex for hours on end. Finally after all that time the master comes down in only his underwear and his unbuttoned dress shirt. He grabs a cup of water and drinks the whole thing. The master then asks the nearby husband, " if you don't mind me asking how old are you and your wife?" Husband: " well I'm 32 and she is 34, why do you ask?" Master: "just curious as to how you guys still believe in genies…..
Where are all these great dad jokes stored?
The dadabase
Are you aware of how to avoid clickbait?
Guess not
A meme I made. Pay no attention to my partner in the otter room with Paint open.
A meme I made. Pay no attention to my partner in the otter room with Paint open.
My dad’s so cheap
That when he dies he'll walk toward the light and switch it off.
I don’t know if this qualifies but I laughed when I first saw it and now it makes me sad…
https://ift.tt/2SRCrwy
Instead of going to the beach, many mathematicians are dividing the opposite side of a right triangle over the adjacent side
They say it's a better way to get a tan.