Outta the way
Australians don’t have sex
Australians mate
What is Pac-Man’s favorite cooking utensil?
A wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok…
A Catholic priest, a Baptist preacher, and a rabbit walk into a bar.
There rabbit takes a look around the joint and says, "I'm beginning to think I'm a typo."
A furniture store keeps calling me…
All I wanted was one night stand.
nooo you cant just increase released energy exponentially! Haha neutron printer go brrrr
https://ift.tt/36N0wJG
Gandhi
Did you know that Gandhi used to have hot young women sleep naked in his bed with him? The idea was that he could conquer his baser desires and prove his self-control by abstaining from sex with them. I tried a similar thing by leaving half a box of Double Stuff Oreos on my counter, and I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m pretty sure Gandhi banged every single one of those chicks.
I made a graph for my past relationships.
It has an ex-axis and a why-axis.
Did you know you can tell if an ant is a boy or a girl by dropping it in water?
If it sinks it's a girl ant If it floats it's boy ant
For Halloween I’ve got a job making plastic Draculas
There's only two of us working here so I have to make every second count.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
My Friend Told Me He Identifies As A Broadcasting Radio Station
I told him “You can’t be Sirius”
[NSFW] Hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents’ house to comfort her 95-year old grandmother.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied: ”He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.” Horrified, Katie told her that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. ”Oh no, my dear” replies granny. ”Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring”. ”It was just the right rythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.” She pauses to wipe away a tear, and continued, ”He’d still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn’t come along.”
I used to know a guy who did circumcision [NSFW]
The money wasn't great, but he got to keep the tips
I ordered a vault and a speaker off amazon
They arrived safe and sound
My Dad really messed up his wrists dragging his car from England to France.
He got car-pull-tunnel syndrome.
I saw 2 men in matching outfits I asked them if they were gay
They arrested me
My wife is doing a sponsored parachute jump tomorrow and I am genuinely terrified that the chute won’t open.
Last time something that big hit the earth, the fucking dinosaurs got wiped out.
I guarantee they will all start price gouging too. Likely individually and discreetly so nobody notices.
I guarantee they will all start price gouging too. Likely individually and discreetly so nobody notices.
Dad joke warning ⚠
Knock, knock… Who's there? Cargo. Cargo who? Nope. Owl go who. Car go beep beep. I warned you.
My friend and I just started a business where we weigh tiny objects.
It’s a small scale operation.
[OC] Why did the man have a whirring noise in his ears?
Because he was genetically engine-eared.
So a German, an Englishman and an Irishman…
…were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to appeal their sentences down to 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: “As it is my first wife’s birthday today, she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.” The German was first in line; after thinking for a bit he said, “Please tie a pillow to my back.” This was done, but after only 10 lashes the whip had shredded the pillow. When the punishment was done the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying in pain. The Englishman was next up. After watching the German in horror he asked, “Please tie two pillows to my back.” This time it took 15 lashes, but once again the pillows were shredded, and the Englishman was led away bleeding and whimpering in pain. The Irishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: “You are from the most beautiful part of the world I have ever seen. Because of this, you may have two wishes!” “Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness,” the Irishman replied. “In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes.” “Not only are you an honorable man from a beautiful island, you are also very brave,” the Sheikh said with admiration. “If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish?” And the Irishman said, “Tie the Englishman to my back.”
My GF left me once I stopped taking her to seafood restaurants
Turns out she was only with me for my mussels
This deaf girl used to flirt with me constantly, but I was oblivious to it.
I wish I could have read the signs.
A lot of people were confused at the grand opening ceremony…
…of my ribbon-repair business yesterday…
A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building…
He yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
Time zones are very confusing. Like it’s may 2 in australia, may 1 in europe
and 1954 in america Edit: *june not may
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
A blonde, brunette, and redhead mom go to a cafe….
They had each stolen their daughters purses to see what their girls did in their free time. The redhead mom opens her daughters purse first and finds a pack of cigarettes. “Oh my God, Debbie smokes! I am going to kill her!” The brunette mom opens her daughter’s purse second, holding up a half-smoked joint. “Lindsay smokes pot?! How could she?!” The blonde mom rifles through her daughter’s purse next and pulls out an empty condom wrapper. The other moms stare at her for a few moments before she puts her hand over her mouth. “Holy shit… Cindy has a dick.”
The doctor told me my voice box is damaged and I may never speak again…
I can't tell you how upset I am!
My friend told me I have no idea what irony is
Which is ironic, because we were both waiting for the bus.
My marriage just ended because I didn’t open the door for my wife.
I swam for the surface instead
When does a joke become a “dad joke”?
When it becomes apparent
A weekly newsletter of unhinged email chains sourced from thousands of real boomers
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Teacher: Use a sentence that starts with “I”
Bobby: I is… Teacher: No, Bobby. You should say "I am", never "I is". Bobby: I am the 9th letter of the alphabet.