Three old and deafening men were hanging out at a bar.
The first says: “Windy isn’t it?” The second says: “Wednesday? Isn’t it Thursday?” The third says: “Thirsty? Let’s order some drinks!”
I’m trying to be a sociopath, but I realized I’m not great in manipulating people.
I’m more of a so-sopath.
“Judge, I want to contest 60% of my parking tickets!”
Judge: Repeat infractions? Man: Fine. I want to contest 3/5 of my parking tickets!
That’s my life in a Nutshell!
I think I’m done buying trash bags.
I always end up throwing them away anyways.
Living up to it’s name
I just found out that my cousin with a stuttering problem died in prison.
He didn’t even finish his sentence.
And this is why you should keep your toddler on a leash.
I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.
I never got a straight answer.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're so good at it.
I used to bang a set of twins…
People always asked how I could tell them apart. I said it's easy, Mary always paints her nails purple and George has a cock.
What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang a picture
Atomic numbers, holy numbers
Positive vibes, everyone
People putting sombreros on pigeons in Reno..
Cursive good. Texting bad
My wife divorced me because I accidentally put it in the wrong hole
Fair enough it was her sister's but still…
I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth on a gram.
I was – like – 0MG.
Have to keep these hoes in check.
Tractor big lol
I was captured by ISIS after Iran away
Now all I’m China do is to survive
Why was the locomotive outstanding in his field?
Personally, I don’t believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.
I can almost hear the trumpets
My Facebook friended boomer keeps up the content.
Wait, what was my line again??
An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I’ve got you a job," says his agent. "That’s great," says the actor, what is it?" "Well," says his agent, "it’s a one-liner" "That’s okay," replies the actor, "I’ve been out of work for so long I’ll take anything. What’s the line?" "Hark, I hear the cannons roar" says the agent. "I love it" says the actor "When’s the audition?" "Wednesday" says the agent. Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts: "Hark, I hear the cannons roar". "Brilliant," says the director, "you’ve got the job. Be here 9 o’clock Saturday evening." The actor is so happy he got the job that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up at 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theatre continually repeating his line; "Hark, I hear the cannons roar, hark, I hear the cannons roar, hark, I hear the cannons roar." He arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath and is stopped by the guard. "Who the hell are you?" asks the guard. "I’m "hark, I hear the cannons roar." "If you’re "hark I hear the cannons roar", you’re late. Get up to makeup right now!" So he runs up to makeup. "Who the hell are you" asks the makeup girl. "I’m "hark I hear the cannons roar."" "If you’re hark I hear the cannons roar", you’re late. Sit down here." And she applies the makeup. "Now quick, get down to the stage, you’re about to go on." He dashes down to the stage. "Who the hell are you?" asks the stage manager. "I’m "hark, I hear the cannons roar."" "You’re "hark, I hear the cannons roar?" Get out there, the curtain’s about to go up." He tears onto the stage. The curtains rise, the house is full. Suddenly there is an almighty bang behind him, and the actor shouts "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?"
Please, don’t do this to your kids
The Duolingo update description gave me a good little chuckle
Next level AI
Oh god. I hope he finds someone to make sandwiches for.
A blind man went to a restaurant.
menu sir? asked the owner. I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order. The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man. The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables. Unbelievable, thought the owner. The blind man ate and left. Two weeks later the blind man returned. The owner, wanting to know how good his smell is, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking and said, do me a favor and rub this fork over your private part which she did. He then goes to the blind man and gives him the fork. The blind man takes it and puts it to his nose and says, oh interesting! I never knew Brenda works here!
Saggy yet structural
Somebody: Excel is a very clever app. Excel:
Just realized this last sunday
I’m running for the United States- … you know, you know the thing!
Just chill a minute
One day left.
My father was ill and the doctor said he had only one day left to live. I was truly sad and was walking outside when I saw a wishing well. Taking my chances I threw in a quarter and wished his life would be extended. A r/jokes mod genie appeared out of the well and said " I hear your wish my son, and for everyday there is a new, fresh joke posted on r/jokes, your father will be granted another full week of life." His funeral is this Saturday.
What is a pirate’s average grade ?
Somewhere in the high c's.
*laughs in photosynthesis*
Any democrat is better and I mean that seriously.
My girlfriend told to me to take the spider out instead of killing it.
We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. He wants to be a web developer.
The computer is connected to watt?
Tech Support: Thanks for calling our repair shop, how may I help you? Customer: I unplugged my space heater and my computer said “no signal” and went black! Tech support: Does the keyboard or mouse make it turn back on? Customer: No, it doesn’t. Tech support: Did the power strip turn off? Sometimes they trip off when something like that gets unplugged. Customer: No, it’s still on, still has the green light. Tech support: Could you follow the cords on your computer and make sure none are frayed? Customer: (rustle rustle) Okay, both cords are fine. They’re good as new. Tech support: (Thinking, both cords? There should be more than 2 on a desktop) Could you tell me where the cords go? Customer: One goes to the wall, and the other one goes to the space heater. Tech support: The cord on your computer goes to the space heater? Customer: Yes. Tech support: (facepalm) Try plugging the “space heater” back in. Customer: Oh! Now the computer is working again.
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me?
I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am. " The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be a programmer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far. " The woman below responded, "You must be a manager." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "You don't know where you are or where you are going" You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow "it's my fault."
A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are disgusting!”
I said, "People who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer!"
Remember to not skip testing!
my dad can’t stop with these
A nice Scottish lad moves to New York.
After 6 months his mom calls him and she asks how he finds the Americans. Horrible, he says. They always yell and scream. He hates how they pound on the walls and stomp the floors. Oh pure! she says, how do you get by? I just relax in bed, playing me bagpipes, says the lad.
Save the Onion
I would tell a time travel joke,
but you didn't like it.
Suicide by Homicide
I never shower before church.
I like to sit in my own pew. Credit to my 7 year old granddaughter.
He’s going to want legal immunity in exchange for leaving after he gets beat.
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?
Gloves. Jk, he hasn’t opened it yet.
I found out the secret to making money…
But first, let me introduce you to todays sponsor Raid Of Shadow Legends.
Gravity sucks ASS (I am stealer dw)
wonder what I can do with this #__DO_NOT_USE__
I’m divorcing my wife…
"I've had enough, I'm going to leave her." "Why?" "She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past mightnight and I'm fed up with it". "What's she doing?" "She's looking for me!"
Living off these short highs
I’m shaking already.
My ex girlfirend
My ex-girlfriend used to give me nicknames whilst giving me head. "The Impaler" was my favourite. Well, at least, that's what I thought she said…. Turns out she's asthmatic and it's my fault she died.
Nvidia RTX 3080 Driver Issues be like…
Woman with headache
I quit my job as a postman on my first day, right after they handed me my first letter to deliver.
I looked at it and said, “This isn’t for me.”
r/coronavirus is officially the fastest-growing community on Reddit
It must be viral.