P-awwwww
I’m going to miss Stan Lee
He was a marvel
A man killed his lifelong friend
He was charged with homiecide
I saw a raccoon with a sewing machine, I asked my wife “Does that raccoon know how to sew?”
She said, "That's how it seams"
I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely…
…if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
Why do women seem so surprising?
Because everyone exclaims "woah man" when they see them
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
Mom, I’m dating a man.
-Whom, sweetheart? -Dante the mailman. -Dante the mailman? But he could be your father! -But mom, age is just a number. -Sweetheart, I don't think you understood.
Dad jokes meet dog jokes
Do you know why redwood is the favorite tree species of every dog? It has the thickest bark.
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?
If you boil a funnybone…
You get a laughingstock. Which is humerus.
What’s the difference between a school bus and a cactus?
A cactus keeps the little pricks on the outside.
Got my dick wet for the first time today
Just learned about this shower thing, pretty cool
A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. “How much is that Barbie in the window?” he asks the shop assistant.
In a manner, she responds, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie for $395.00." The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others?" "That's obvious!" the assistant states. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture…"
Why do Navy ships have barcodes on them?
So you can Scandinavian.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too. And a Czech one too.
Putin visits Estonia
Immigration officer says: "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin". "Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia". "Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".
I used to think it was strange working at the planet’s largest mint.
Now, it makes all the cents in the world.
Harry Potter and Ron Weasley are talking. Harry says, “Ron, I’m gay.”
"Are you fucking serious?!" asks Ron. "Yeah…that too," says Harry.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot
Those dudes are royal AF
There are two reasons you shouldn’t drink toilet water
Number one, and number two
While most puns make me feel numb,
mathematics puns make me feel number.
If I had a dime for every time I didn’t understand what’s going on, I’d be like…
"Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"
For me, the urge to sing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is always just a whim away…
…a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away…
I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican
I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican who, after years of auditions for various instruments, got a gig in the local orchestra playing the triangle- not his first choice. One day he came in super stressed looking. I said “What’s up…can't handle the pressure of performing on stage?” He says, "You have no idea mon, I be responsible for every ting."
How do you get a guitar player to stop playing?
Put a piece of sheet music in front of him.
Apparently someone in my town has been stealing the wheels off police cars
They’ve been working tirelessly to find him
I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing
this is as close as I could get.
Thermoelectric generator
How does these four concepts (thermodynamics, thermal radiation, evaporation, and radiation cooling) works together?
An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Australian, are hiking through the South American jungle
When all of sudden, they see a crystal clear pool at the foot of a mountain. They're all hot and tired, so naturally, they strip off and jump in, and to their surprise, that are captured by natives. They are brought in front of the chief and told that the pool is sacred. He tells them that they are to be killed and skinned, and that their skins will be made into canoes to float on the pool as a permanent reminder, but in one last act of mercy, he will grant them one last request, so the Frenchman pipes up, "I would like a knife, Si vous plait", so he is brought a knife and he plunges it into his chest, "you savages will never kill me! Vive la France!" and he dies. The Englishman is asked what he wants and also requests a knife, and also plunges it into his chest, "you will never kill me! God save the Queen!". The natives then turn to the Australian, and surprisingly he requests a fork, they oblige and hand him on, and he starts stabbing himself all over, the natives are looking in surprise and he looks at them and says, "well there goes your fuckin' canoe"
Me: This is my horse, Mayo!
Acquaintance: Why the hell is he called Mayo? He’s not even white! Mayo: [neighs]
Why does Waldo wear stripes?
He didn't want to be spotted
When the first poop of the year is the first poop in my new bed since i got it
https://ift.tt/2thvPN8
What did the zero say to the 8?
Nice belt
A lawyer gets pulled up for overspeeding in Chicago.
Lawyer: Is there a problem, officer? Officer: Sir, you were overspeeding. Lawyer: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see ur license please? Lawyer: I would have given it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Lawyer: Lost it four years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see… Can I see your vehicle registration papers then. Lawyer: I can't do that either. Officer: Why not? Lawyer: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Lawyer: Yes, and I killed the owner. Officer: WHAT? Lawyer: Killed the owner, I had to self defend, otherwise he would have called the police and I would have landed in jail. The Officer looks at the Lawyer and slowly retreats to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes five police cars encircle the Lawyer's car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Senior Officer: Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please! The lawyer steps out of the vehicle. Lawyer: Is there a problem sir? Senior Officer: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and killed the owner. Lawyer: Killed the owner? Senior Officer: Is this your car, sir? Lawyer: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. Senior Officer: One of my officers claims that you don't have a driving license. The lawyer digs into his pocket takes out his license and hands it over to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Senior Officer: Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you killed the owner. Lawyer: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
