My son asked me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?” I said, “Go on, then.” He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” I laughed, “That’s Superman.”
He said, “Thanks dad, I’ve been practicing a lot.”
So I walked into a weight loss clinic once and spilled an entire box of milk duds all over the floor…
It was the best game of hungry hungry hippos that I had ever seen!
The waterbed salesman called out to me: “NOW WITH SHIATSU MASSAGE!!!”
"Really?" I asked. "Sure!" he said. "Just fill it with tap water."
I was mugged by 6 dwarves last night
Not Happy
What happened when the butcher backed into his meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
As a spanish speaking dude I really appreciate when people approach me and say “mucho”.
It means a lot to me.
Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I’m sorry but your wife didn’t make it
Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made
Wife and I got a flat tire driving back from the farmer’s market
I should have bought asparagus
Some strange person dumped a bunch of legos on my front door step this morning.
I don’t know what to make of it.
What is the sheeps favorite movie?
Baaaaaack to the future
Put some desks and a blackboard in my living room today…
To make it more classy…
Donald Trump was asked what the J in Donald J Trump stood for
He said “Genius”
What do you get when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence?
An udder disaster
What’s green and doesn’t weigh much?
Light green
When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.
This phenomenon is known as many paws
Two lawyers walk into a pub
They order a couple of drinks and take subs out of their brief cases. They begin to eat. Seeing this, the angry publican exclaims, " Excuse me but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!" The two look at each other, shrug, then exchange sandwiches.
Two medieval instruments are having a conversation
"I'm a harpsichord." Says the first. "I'm a lute." Says the second. "No you're not!" Says the harpsichord. "You're that other string instrument!" The second looks at him, shocked, and says, "Sir, are you calling me a lyre?!"
Doctor: Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news?
Patient: Good news please. Doctor: we're naming a disease after you.
What do you call a line of rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hare line
A naked man arrives at a costume party with a girl on his back.
"I'm a turtle", he says. "Oh… who's on your back?" "That's Michelle", he replies.
I’m pleased with my new fridge magnet
So far I've got 12 fridges
A man is sitting at a bar, staring at his drink
A man is sitting at a bar, staring at his drink, not moving. After about 20 minutes of this another man notices and walks over and grabs the drink from the man and gulps it down. He sets the glass down and looks at the man he just stole from, waiting for a reaction. The man who had his drink stolen slowly turns to the man who took his drink and says, "I've had a really bad day. My alarm clock didn't go off this morning so I was late to work, which got me fired. When I went to drive home I found my car had been stolen. In the cab I took to get home my wallet fell out and I lost it. When I get home I find my wife in bed with the neighbor. And now, when I finally get the courage to kill myself, somebody drinks my poison. "
Why did the nearsighted woman fall into a well?
Because she couldn't see that well.
My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila.
“You’re coming home now!” she screamed. “No, I’m not,” I laughed. She said, “I’m talking to the kids.”
My grandfather died and I inherited some of his clothes.
He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens. For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them. After a few decades of this, my grandfather had amassed several dozen neckties, each one with cartoonish images of chickens flying around, laying eggs, and doing other chicken things. I always complimented him on the newest addition to his collection. When he died a couple of years ago, he bequeathed them to me in his will. When my grandmother handed me the bag full of them, my eyes welled with tears and I smiled thinking about my grandfather looking in the mirror and straightening his tie. Why am I telling you all of this back story? Because the last time I tried to tell this to someone and I didn't give context, they thought it was weird that I was so excited about inheriting my dead grandfather's hen tie collection.
My son asked me “Dad, what are condoms used for?”
Me: Usually to avoid answering questions like these.
What’s blue and not heavy
Light blue
What did the big traffic light say to the little traffic light?
Don’t look while I’m changing!
A man killed his lifelong friend
He was charged with homiecide