I can’t even
The internet connection at my farm is really sketchy, so I moved the modem to the barn.
Now I have stable wifi.
The Sunday funny paper is a gold mine for boomer humor. Also, what is it with the big noses?
Big Brain Time
Yikes! There’s a lot going on here
Where did the Swedish cross country race end?
The Finnish line
Its just to hold on to the buzzword
This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!” My eyes lit up and I thought, “This is my lucky day!
Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table! Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove. More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."
I want to die like my grandpa did, in his sleep.
Not screaming like the people in the back seat of his car.
Everything hurts and I’m dying
I don’t know why they haven’t put any advertisements on the hulk
He is essentially a giant banner
Can I get a venti mocha frappe almond soy lattecino
The total miss
A work friend just sent me this. Not sure how to cope
It’s called Dementia Trumpidis
Mathematics is ❤️
Low effort meme
Chillin’ w/ my homies
How I lost my virginity
If you run in front of a car
You will get tired. And if you run behind a car, you will get exhausted.
“Ya I wrote this module myself…”
Patriotic toilet paper.
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
y favorite new mug come in yesterday
Asian mom be like —-
They are both 13!
Nice try CNN
If you boil a funnybone…
You get a laughingstock. Which is humerus.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight Professor X: that's not going to help us Me: yes I see that now
Everybody gangsta till the eucaryote enslaved you
21 year old me too
How come shrimp on Broadway don’t share?
Their silence is deafening
If having a big dick was a crime
I would be a felon. Not because I have a big dick, but because I ran over several children on purpose.
Aw poor guy
The jokers of pseudoscience = conspiracy theorists
Whats my age again?
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”. ‘About 32,’ is the reply.’ ‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’ Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question. The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’ Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’ While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’ They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’ He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay…..How old am I?’ He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’ Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’ ‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.
What did one Italian say to another when fighting?
‘You wanna pizza me?’
a b s o l u t e genius
I would have kept pressing the UP arrow till eternity.
What’s the difference between a hot potato and a flying pig?
Ones a heated yam, and the other’s a yeeted ham.
Falcon 9 landings in a nutshell
The Middle East in a nut shell
This sounds like common sense …
Why did the man work in a barn for hus whole life?
Because is was a stable career
“But they don’t speak ‘murican!”
This guy id a gold mine
A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police.
He's now a seasoned veteran.
This one includes fred flintstone
People who don’t eat gluten…
… are really going against the grain.
What does Yoda say when he is drunk?
Dear me it appears I have imbibed alcohol in sufficient quantitiy to impair my speech
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.
To encourage students to stand up to bullies
Mom asked me why I deposited a pair of shoes into my bank account.
Me: "Well, you said my account should have a new balance. ;)"
Where do cyclops’ party?
An American biker decides to travel the world
Once upon a time there lived an American biker named Rick. Now, Rick loved to ride his motorcycle, but was tired of driving up and down the same roads, day after day. One morning, he woke up, and decided to travel the world. So he saved up some money, got on a plane, along with his trusty Harley, and set out to explore the globe. For the next few weeks, Rick spent his days riding to and through some of the most popular European cities like Paris, London, and Rome. After seeing all Europe had to offer, he moved on to explore the rest of the world. Over the next few months, he rode through the African savannas, the deserts of Egypt, and even made it to the top of Mount Everest. He was having the time of his life until he reached a small town in China. Unexpectedly, and out of nowhere, a beautiful Chinese maiden crossed his path, causing him to fly off and crash his motorcycle. Apologizing, the maiden offered Rick to pay for the repairs and a place to stay while they fixed his bike. “My name is Yu! It’s an honor to meet you!” the beautiful maiden introduced herself to Rick. It turned out she was the daughter of a rich magistrate, so he spent the night in a small palace in the center of town. However, due to the scarcity of motorcycle parts, Rick had to spend several days in the palace, in the presence of Yu. Over the next few days, she took a liking to him and his strange American ways. As expected, Rick took a liking to her, too. The two quickly became inseparable, but Yu’s father did not approve, for Rick was an outsider. By the time the motorcycle was finally up and running, Rick had fallen madly in love with Yu and refused to leave. Yu begged her father to let him stay, but instead, the Magistrate had Rick banished from the town. He warned him if he ever came back, he would have him beheaded. Rick was devastated, he had no motivation to continue on the rest of his journey. It seemed as though there was nothing left for him in the world, if he didn’t have his beloved Chinese maiden. So he did the only thing any other sane guy would do…. Rick rolled back into town screaming, “I’m never gonna give Yu up!”
You’ve been Ginsberged
It be like that sometimes
A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
The woman seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the flustered bartender managed to stammer. "Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
I like to disassociate myself from the word ‘Xenophobia’
It's a bit too foreign-sounding for my liking.
Found this unironically in r/funny
Found on a news article about the best self-isolation memes
I went to the doctors wanting a brain transplant
They changed my mind
Gotta one those libs
The people at the bottom are the economy
Ironically found on iPhone
What if I lifted a pack of Coca-Cola over my head for twenty minutes a day every day?
That would be soda pressing.
Boomer Humor in my school’s library
i feel like this belongs here
A young man named Joe bought a horse from a farmer for £250.
The farmer agreed to deliver the horse within the next few days. A couple of days later, the farmer drove up to Joe’s house and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.’ Joe replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’ The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I’ve spent it already.’ Joe said, ‘Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.’ The farmer asked, ‘What ya gonna do with it? Joe said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’ The farmer said, ‘You can’t flog a dead horse!’ Joe said, ‘Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’ A month Later, the farmer met up with Joe and asked, ‘What happened with that dead horse?’ Joe said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £5 apiece and made a profit of £2495.’ The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’ Joe said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £5 back.’