Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."
"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."
"That'll be me then," said Paddy.
If I’m being subjective, the greatest sci-fi series of all time is Dr. Who.
If I’m being objective, it’s Dr. Whom.
There once was a baby born with no arms. His parents put him on the church’s stairs and vanished.
The local priest took him in and raised him, eventually giving him the job of ringing the bell for evening mass. So, each day, the child lined up from across the room and ran as fast as he could to hit the bell with his head. One day, the priest ate a banana and left the peel lying by the bell. As the child was running running running, he slipped on the banana peel and fell out the window to his death. When the cops came to investigate, the asked the priest for the child’s name. The priest said “I don’t know his name, but his face rings a bell.”
What did one toilet say to the other toilet?
You look a bit flushed.
I asked my wife to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun
I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked, "Babes, Jabba the Hutt is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed, "Fuck you asshole" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"
According to my doctor it should be ok for me to ignore social distancing on Saturdays and Sundays.
He said I have a weekend immune system.
When you have studied too much organic chemistry the past days and get this advertisement email
https://ift.tt/35x0iF1
Why does Waldo wear stripes?
He doesn't like to be spotted.
Why do girls have nipples?
Because without them their tits would be pointless.
A man stumbles upon a lamp on the beach, rubs it, and a genie comes out.
"I shall grant you three wishes- but keep in mind that anything you wish for, your mother-in-law will get the same, two-fold." The man thinks. "OK. For my first wish, I'd like to have a villa with an ocean view." The genie says "OK, but your mother-in-law will have two." "That's fine," the man replies. "For my second wish, I'd like to have $20 million." "Granted, but your mother-in-law will have $40 million." The man nods. "And your final wish?" the genie asks. "For my final wish," the man begins, "I want you to scare me half to death."
How did the butcher introduce his wife?
“Meat Patty.”
When my wife was in labour, I tried to distract her by telling terrible jokes, but it didn’t work.
It must have been the delivery.
I saw a raccoon with a sewing machine, I asked my wife “Does that raccoon know how to sew?”
She said, "That's how it seams"
Found this on my camera roll for some reason
Found this on my camera roll for some reason
I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I just don’t know why.
Trumpets and Guns
n a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?" "What do you mean strange?" "Because you sell only trumpets and guns!" "So?" "Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?" "It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
I have written a book on Penguins
In hindsight, paper would have been better.
I just went to an emotional wedding.
Even the cake was in tiers.
If you could exterminate any race what would you pick?
Personally, I‘d get rid of the 800m. It‘s too long to be considered a sprint and not long enough to really be long distance.
You must be in F**king management!
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude". "You must be a technician." said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk." The man below responded, "You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fucking fault!!!
A 5th grader from Alabama and a 5th grader from New York City got into a fight. Who won?
The 5th grader from Alabama, because he’s 18 years old.
TIL the Reverse Cowgirl position is frowned upon in West Virginia.
It just ain't right turning your back on family.
My girlfriend is a star on pornhub.
And she'll kill me if she finds out.
What did the hat say to the scarf?
You hang around here, I’ll go on ahead.